First time on a site like this, but I needed to know I wasnt alone

[Saddoglover]

Hi, im 25 years old, I have suffered on off for as long as I can remember from depression, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, and self harm. It was only recently around may time that this time around i was feeling it all just so much more intense and I realised I needed to go to the dr and get help. Ii had got to the point where I was completely isolating myself, at the time I was working and living on a farm, I had been there 7years, but had been going up there since I was 12, so my emplyer was more a friend than a boss, and I was never pressured about time, which is why I was able to hide my problems for so long, but at the time I went for help, she was starting to see it...I had actually truthfully been isolating myself for a long time...I had become very ocd, washing my hands alot, nbeing weird about contamination, not eating with people and only eating things I had made myself...and had started to punch walls again, something I did when I was younger, but she noticed my knuckles and asked about it, so after the confrontation I started to hurt myself in other ways in places not so noticable.i have very low self esteem and confidance, this has been a problem my whole life. I also only get between1-3 hours sleep a night and thats broken, not in a block...some nights I dont get any, which I know wont help how im feeling, my dr wont change the dose of medicaton wich Initially helped me sleep. And at times when I just feel so much pain inside that I can't deal with and have thoughts that the only way out of it, the dark place im in, would be to end my life, I feel the medication isnt working. But I dont have quite so many racing thoughts like before, although I have no concentration just now. I am no longer at the farm as they couldnt deal with me and my issues. ..she thought I was over my past and was happy. To be honest I have very rarly felt happy. I dont fit in anywhere...I was abused as a child which is a bit part of my problem.

Sorry this has turned out to be so long, once I started I found I needed to keep going, I dont have anyone to talk to about this, that would actually understand.

[Satsuma]

Saddoglover Isolation tends to come naturally to us and even more so when we have been abused. The feeling you don't fit in anywhere - I have that too. Like I am an outsider to the world. I, too was abused. We tend to attract the wrong people too. You are definatley not alone my friend

[Goldfish_]

It sounds like you should be under care of a doctor/ psychiatrist to try and help with this, but no you are not alone and your symptoms are familiar to many of us here

[Saddoglover in reply to Goldfish_]

Thankyou both for your replys. I do go see a psychiatrist and was put on medication but I only see her every three months. And I do go to the community metal heath place and have a keyworker there, who I see every three weeks, but so far they havnt said anything that helps when im having a particular bad day or week, they just say to me, the groups will teach me how to deal with my emotions and feelings but non of the groups have started as im on a waiting list, and I feel like the medication doesnt work anymore, it started off helping me sleep for about 4 hours a night but then stopped working and my medication got incresed, but now my psychiatrist wont increse it again but wont give me anything else for the sleep, the other problem I have with my sleep is when I do sleep I have very vivid Disturbing dreams so im actually scared of sleeping. I also think I didnt write I struggle with anxiety too.

[Angep]

Hello saddoglover, I'm glad you've found somewere you can come and talk about how you feel.some people have their own ideas about why we have to suffer so much in this life and it's so hard to try figure it out. Such cruelty and sadness in this world a lot of the time. I don't understand why people have to suffer so much in such terrible ways!! As you have done along with so many others.you are having some help which is reasuring but as usual waiting lists get longer as resources get shorter, do you have a contact number for the crisis team? If not if you feel really bad then you should take yourself off to the local hospital and ask to see someone.that gets things moving a bit quicker. All I can say to you is don't give up!! Life's hard most of the time😏But it can be wonderful too!! There are good times to be had. It's so easy to let your mind take control and your on a massive downward spiral. I deal with things by saying NO!!! You've had your pound of flesh and youl not have anymore. Why should something or someone continue to have the power over you to continue to ruin your life. I know you can never forget, but whoever did that to you are just worthless and pointless human beings. You are worth so much, you are important and you deserve to have a life that's as good as it can be. I can't say perfect because no one ever gets that.dont give up, look for a positive everyday no matter how small it may seem.keep going to your sessions but tell them it's not enough. Try every day to set a goal for yourself, something you like to do that makes you smile. Good luck to you always 🙏🏻