Worlds getting heavy on my shoulders...

[Leo142]

1. so i still have a eating disorder ive been eating alot more since my mum found out and not just because she been making sure i eat but because i could see it was making her upset and last thing i wanted was to have my mum upset with me... little did i know eating this much again makes me feel 10x worse again i feel fatter and ive started to try not look when i stand in front of a mirror and i cry when ever i think about it so yeah im making my mum and family happier eating more but slowly dying inside myself.

2. My exams are coming up and since ive already kinda dropped out of school for medical reasons the doctors said that my health was priority number one so ive not been in properly for ages and now i have my exams i have to go into school and put up with everyone assuming ive been at home having the time of my life because my mum doesn't care or that i want to live off benefits or various other rumors that are going around my school about me when the matter of the fact is im now too shy to go and deal with that whole environment as being with that many people now makes me feel psychically sick

3. this ones abit of a old issue that keeps coming round and i guess i just need to deal with. my dad left my mum before i was born but no he didnt leave us alone end of he popped back in every year to be the dad that gives presents that stopped when i was like 13 and then my sister lost her son Marley x and he came down for a week or so ive seen my father less then 16 times in my life and i cant help but hate him so much when i see people with there dads or even think about me having kids and them not even knowing my age as i dont know his it makes me sick and he has like 15+ children 6 of are my real brothers and sisters the rest i dont know but im the one he has to believe isnt his

4. im sick to death of having happy days where i could shout to everyone and then crashing so far i want to die its so exhausting feeling like this everyday i could have a 80/20% chance of being happy thats the 20 and the 70 is the unhappy 10% is suicidal but i could never do that as it ties back into hurting my family -_-

5. Hey i like guys

6. coming out to my family was really hard as they wanted to know details and since i try not to lie to people i told them everything and lets just say ive had some bad experiences they will be lower but yeah my family dont care im into guys but they think im stupid as ...

7. so last year i met the first ever guy from my city online and i was excited as he was 17 and i was 15 so it wasnt a old guy and he liked me turns out i wasnt very attracted to him so i just told him lets be friends instead he was like sure after months of talking i met him and we were gonna take his dog out for a walk so we were in the park and his hand goes on my pants il let you guess where i told him no were just friends and he let go we went down this part of the park like a wooded area or something and he tied the dog up to a tree and i stood there awkwardly like ok and he tried to kiss me again i told him no and so he insulted me started off with "your so boring" and then he tried again and i said no and he got a little worse until i just gave up with stopping him trying to put his hand in my pants and let him he was touching me for abit and told me to warn him when anything might happen it wasnt going to as it was forced on me so he had to go because it was getting late and i was really happy i went and i could smell him on so i got in the shower and didnt talk to him for the day i then continued to talk to him because i thought id give him a second chance and we talked for a couple more months me making a excuse every time to not see him again but finally he started arguing with me like we were in a relationship and i just told him to go away in a harsh term so he wouldnt message me again.

8. a couple weeks ago i was stupid enough to get into a guys car and he wasnt the guy in the pictures that i was talking to he locked his car doors and drove us somewhere quiet where he sucked on something he tried to make me return but i said no adamantly i did not enjoy the experience and at points i thought he was going to kidnap me but no he left me near my house and i thought nothing more i cried myself to sleep which isnt new for me and i tried to forget about him

9. i met this really wonderful couple of guys and i started falling in love for one of them they were a real couple so i knew like inside he would never be mine but i liked having him as my friend he introduced me to another guy around my age and i fell instantly smitten for him but like the couple has done things with this guy and i dont like thinking about that it sounds stupid that he is now my bf and im starting to fall for him alot but its like i feel bad for thinking too much of the past when i didnt even know he existed then i just dont know how to maintain my relationship with the couple as friends because i really like them and be with my bf .

10. My bf im starting to fall for him alot and he makes me happy we havent been together long but not even a week yet but its getting hard for me to see myself with him now like i cant think of a reason he would even want to be my bf ive got alot of baggage and he doesnt know most of it and im also scared if i open up to him he will break up with me ive been reassured he is nice and i know he is but i still cant help but feel like im not good enough.

11.

the doctors im actually scared of going there again not just for the fact they want to take blood from me but im scared of getting better what ever better may be i dont know if im ready to get better ive got alot of things going on in my head what if there is no better for me most of the time i wish i had the strength to kill myself but i just cant put that before everyone else i know its not right but i cant stop caring what people think of me and it makes me hurt inside knowing that im hurting someone else when i think about killing myself so im getting worse because i shouldn't be thinking about that and then i think about what it would do to my family and i feel even worse anyway i just had to get alot off my chest if dont have to read it all im just posting for my own benefit anyway...

[Iluvhorses]

First of all, please don't commit suicide because I want you here even though I don't know you. Secondly, I'm very concerned about the guy who touched you without your permission because that's sexual harrassment and you need to report it. Thirdly, I can relate to you because I too care way too much about what other people think. I'm a Christian so whenever I feel offended, I always leave it on God's doorstep. After all He is God so He can handle anything. It's a coping mechanism that helps me so much, but if you don't share my faith that's fine. Fourthly, my Dad left me before I was born too. Please find it in your heart to forgive him because you're only holding yourself down by holding grudges. Heck he might not even care that you're mad at him so there really is no point. Anyway I hope you'll feel better

[Stilltrying_]

Hi there, have read your story. You are a young man with a lot going on ; I'm happy you've found a nice guy and hopefully it will continue for you. No please don't think about doing away with yourself; you are far too young and will so much to look forward to. Take advantage of life's rich opportunities. Gemma xx

[teemarie]

You are a young man with a whole life ahead. Please dont commit suicide, it is not the answer. In response to your post:

1. I had a eating disorder at your age. Society makes you think you should look or feel a certain way. Dont feed into it. Im sure you are handsome!

2. Exams! Oh how I loathed. Dont pay no mind to what others say. I feed into all the time and it did nothing but hurt me. You have to learn to love yourself. Only you know you and your situation. You could do 1000000 things right and it still be 0 to someone else. Thats fine. Forget them!

3. I grew up without either of my parents. I know the long term affect not having your dad around will leave on you. Especially having other children after the fact. It makes you question alot. But the question should never be your worth. Use that as an example on what not to do later in life. My son is dealing with this with his biological father and it kills me inside because I know that its just hurting my kid.

4. Everyone has good and bad days. Trust me my anxiety has been so horrible I have been the LOWEST of lows the past two days.

5. I think its beautiful that you like guys! Love is love! It has no gender, color, belief, or standard. If anyone tries to make you bad for that YOU are in control of YOUR HAPPINESS. My family does not believe in interacial relationships. My fiancee is mixed. They had the biggest issue with it and I had to keep my pregnancy a secret from them for four months. They got over it.

6. IT IS NEVER OKAY FOR SOMEONE TO TOUCH YOU IN A UNWANTED MANNER. This is something that I am such a preacher of. When I was fourteen I went to the carnival with my best friend and her family. Well her cousin asked if I could walk with him to his car and I of course said yeah. We were sitting in there talking and out of nowhere he put his hands down my pants and when I tried pushing him away he took things further. I never told anyone. Until just now. It will eat you alive forever. I thought everyone would judge me or not believe me or think I was a whore. You are never at fault you are a victim.

7. Dont get in cars with strangers (thats the mom in me)

8. I feel the same way about my boyfriend. Im sure he thinks Im crazy. But he loves me. We have a family together and he has raised my oldest son for the past five years as his own. I have doubts everyday that Im not good enough or he will find someone else. I pray to God that he doesnt because I literally want to marry him and I have never felt this way about anyone else ever. You are not your baggage. You are not your eating disorder. You are not your depression. You are you. And thats fine.

[Findingme]

If you go to the doctors they cannot make you give a blood sample, and to be honest I cannot see why they would need to if you go about your mental health, rather than about an eating disorder. Explain you have a fear of needles, and ask to talk to someone instead. It does sound to me as if you could do with some support.