My life has never been easy. Soon as things looking up, or normal things happen to push me back down making me further depressed than I ever thought possible.
in 1989 My nan died. The same day she died my mum had a heart attack and died 2 days later. Bad? - obviously. Within a week my eldest brother demanded that I move out of the house, even though it was left to me as my father had died 2 years before. He tried to take me to court. Result didn't really talk until last year.
This is typical of my life. I live alone and it has been 25 years since I had a relationship. Over the last 10 years my life and depression have been descending in to darkness.
Last January, 2015 I started having a pain behind my eye 6 months later I had permanently lost the vision in that eye. In October I had an operation on my other eye. I have about 60% vision in that eye. I was told at Christmas time that my eyesight is too bad for me to drive. I am self-employed and relied on my car to get to my various jobs.
I have been relying on my bike to get me around. I enjoy it as it gives me freedom, and I enjoy going out on cycle rides and meeting people. It also is helping me lose weight.
Yesterday was the day from hell. As I can't drive to my Wednesday job I cycle to the train station, lock my bike up, catch the train then a member of staff picks me up in her car and drives me 20 minutes to the school where we work. The journey is then reversed. When I got back to the station yesterday I couldn't find my keys anywhere. I thought I'd put them in my pocket when I left home but then I became unsure when I thought about it. Tried phoning some locksmiths but no luck getting through. I walked for 30 minutes to a lock shop where they called a locksmith out for me. Had to wait an hour for him to come. When I got home had to wait outside in the cold. My next door neighbour came home, saw me and ignored me. I had to pay £65 for 30 seconds of work to get me in. Gave him my credit card and it was declined. He took me to the ATM and I paid him in cash. By now it was getting late and I had to work at 5.30. Got a taxi and just about made it. Finished at 7.30 and walked back to the station where I found that my bike had been stolen. The bike is worth £500 and it wasn't insured.
At this point I broke down. The station gave me the number for the British Transport police. When I got home I couldn't find the spare key, I'd lost that as well. I ended up climbing over the wall of the nice neighbour. And falling down as I couldn't see how high their step into their garden was.
I am now stuck in doors. I obviously can't go out as I wouldn't be able to get back in. I can't get another locksmith out as I can't afford it. Just stuck metaphorically and physically. I just can't stop crying, that is apart form when I took a few tablets to help me sleep.
Can't stand my life.
Written by
trachet
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Ohhhh poor you ! I really feel for you what a bad hand you've been delt. The problem I find is when your low you seem to get kicked a little more and feel your being pooped on from a great height! When your low your sensitive so everything seems so much more upsetting and bigger. When I feel like that I have to break it down into little chunks and work through it. Nothing is irreplaceable and anything can be fixed. I bet if you ask someone from cycling will have a bike you can borrow. Keep looking for that key and maybe give the locksmith a call to explain the situation you never know he might help you out. Times like this don't be afraid to ask for help ! One thing at a time. Good luck keep your chin up its all fixable x
Hi trachet, my heart goes out to you, I wish I could offer some positive words but all I want to do is give you a big hug and say your not alone, we are all here in cyber space sending you as much love as we all can muster xxx
I agree you have had some horrible bad luck both in the past and the present and have found the strength needed to fight on. I don't know if it helps, but when I have a good cry it's a great release and when the sobs finally cry themselves out I make sure I say to myself, that feels better and consciously try to let go of the pain with that release. It can't seem to completely go just as circumstances don't change in an instant, but any kind of release helps to move the mind away from dwelling on what happened that is just out of your control.
Any family and friends you can ask to be with you for short periods, don't be afraid to call them, being alone is so very difficult when everything seems to conspire against you, it seems that life is always a struggle, which I think maybe it is but in that struggle there has been laughter and joy, but those memories are well hidden at the moment.
Hang on in there hun, you can find just a little more strength to move back into the sunshine. Buy that lottery ticket as well and tell yourself there really is no reason you can't win! Stranger things have happened.
I hope they find your bike. Do you ahve a friend who come over to see you? If not, you should phone your GP and get an urgent appointment. It's hard to tell someone all these things face to face but once you make the first move it will help and things surely will be put in place to try to help.
What rotten luck , I,m so sorry for all the problems , how do you carry on well because you do and you have before . It's so difficult to try and scape and sort of positivity at times like this , keep talking on here and sharing as it helps me ...in the past month my sons arm got broken by carers at his care home , had to move him , then my partner of four years just abandoned me ! Had a car accident , car was ransacked as I left it unlocked , sons home had no water and now the ceiling is leaking ! I can't imagine how exhausted you feel like everything is against you . Just sending strength and hugs ..to you right now x
I got a phone call yesterday to say that the police have found my bike! I had it security marked so that's how they found me. The only problem is that it is part of a case. They found quite a few stolen bikes ready to be shipped off. This means that it could be a while before I get it back.
I'm waiting for the locksmith who promises me it is only going to cost £65. I am then on a cheap bike hunt. Looking for a bike that works ok but looks battered (like me).
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I feel like I don't even know myself. Lost and pathetic 
I dont know how to cope.
I Don't Know What To Do.
