I have suffered from anxiety and depression to varying degrees pretty much from my early teenage years.
It has been worse over the last few years since my 2nd marriage ended. I always feel like it was my fault that he went off with someone else and at Christmas to boot. I have brought up my child since the age of 6. Now a young adult aged 17 doing A levels. I am very proud how he has turned out; fantastic manners and high moral values.
Up until 2011 I had a full time job then was made redundant. My brother died that year and my sister was diagnosed with cancer (thank Heavens she is in remission).
I feel so selfish for feeling like this; even when I was working when Friday came and everyone was talking about what they were doing at the week-end I was just dreading how I would get through it.
I keep battering myself for what my sister endured and the fact my brother has passed away; what right have I to be so miserable?
My friends are all partnered up; my sister has a family of her own including Grandchildren and a happy marriage so I am lost as to what to do. (My parents passed away 21 and 18 years ago.)
It's Saturday again and I can't wait until bedtime; although I am tired I toss and turn and wake up very early to endure more hours of feeling like trash. I have jobs in the house I should be doing but have no wherewithall to do them.
I look out the window and see people passing by getting on with their lives and I feel like I have no part in society.
I keep applying for jobs but keep getting knocked back and my self esteem is at an all time low.
This can't be right to feel like this when life is so precious?
Written by
Lois1959
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I no the feeling. My ex and I split up two yrs ago and hes with someone else
I have a son but he only stays two nights a week
I dread the weekends I have 2 beautiful dogs who I walk, but would love to be part of a group of friends I see regularly
I have no partner and get very depressed and lonely
I find myself drinking wine at night to overcome the feelings of anxiety not the best thing I know
I had to give up a job recently because I was having panic attacks and dreaded going in
Im still looking for work
I should be happy the house is a bit untidy but I lack motivation wouldnt it be nice to be taken out for a meal or a walk with the dogs, then a pub lunch.
I used to be athletic now I need to lose 2 stone put on through drinking, comfort eating and I now suffer with migraine and dizzyness
I love my son and my dogs but could do with a little more
Bless You...it is horrible. I too started drinking too much and it actually became a problem that I sought help for it; like you it just took away that empty feeling for a while and not fitting in anywhere.
I too have put weight on; I think because I am comfort eating rather than drinking so it's a vicious circle, you replace one thing for something else.
Of course you love your son; I do mine but I would like some adult company and be able to do things.
I feel like life is something that is for others to enjoy and I just go through the motions.
Please do not go through this alone; I am always here if you want to pen a few lines and we can support each other through the hard times.
Take Care x
Please, first of all, stop beating yourself up. You haven't chosen to be like this...it's an illness and an extremely disabling one at that.
I too stand at the window and have been like this for so long begin to wonder if I'd know 'normal' if it smacked me in the face like a wet fish!
All the people you see have their own problem too - just different ones to us.
I do have a partner/hubby but he has just had a disabling stroke...not what I needed as I have recently been diagnosed with emphysema too. He has just been sent home and it is breaking my heart to watch him try to move round like a toddler learning to walk all over again.
I am terrified that he will die before me and leave me to cope alone.
Depression etc is a terrible burden to have to bear and so few people even try to understand.
You are what you are and do what you can - no more and no less.
I am so sorry that both you and your husband are not in the best of health at the moment.
Having read your response I feel humbled; you do have a lot to cope with and depression on top is just the pits. You are right; people don't understand and even with the publicity it gets nowadays (still not enough) others still tell you to "snap out of it" or "pull yourself together". If it was that simple we all would and we wouldn't wish the condition on our worst enemy.
Well said! I too have stood at that window...and on the varandah/porch and wondered....shy can't I be (happy) like those other people. I too have to stop beating up myself. Thanks for telling it like it is! I have a dream for all of us...I dream that one day we will stop looking out and dreaming...We will find ourselves in that non-depressed state of mind, and just be happy...so that we can use our energy, strenght and motivation to fight the other battles in our lives.
You are in my thoughts, I know its very hard for you at the moment, just take it day by day, and look after yourself too. You are not well either. Anyway mail me if you want, I am always here for you. Hope your husband is making progress too, it must be a terrible worry, on top of Depression that is a heavy load.
DaisyFlowerz, that would be so wonderful wouldn't it. To be 'normal' again doesn't seem much to ask but is so difficult to get there. I look at people going about their lives and wish I could be like that. there is so much you have to hide and people think you are just fine when you are feeling so very anxious.
You have beeen through a lot Lois. I am reading a book at the moment and the psychologist talks about a fatigued mind and how it is supersensitised and so vulnerable to anxiety/ depression. This seems to make sense to me and I hope that time and rest will make my fatigued mind better. All the very best to all of you. xx
Sounds like good old depression to me, how can you feel hopeful feeling like this??
Go see your doctor,,, depression has no ryme or reason, it just is. I remember blubbering on the phone to my gp years ago,,, saying all that was right with my life, but felt, miserable and couldnt shake it off.
Your ill, your brain isnt producing the right chemicals for your body and brain to function properly. Counselling will help to off load your feeling , and talk about the stuff thats making you feel yuck at the moment. Having a outsider to look at things objectivly, in a different light might help too. (At least you dont have to tell family how bad youve been feeling) Just say your ill at the mo,, and leave it there. Just tell them you need to sleep when you need too, migraines, sleepless nights is all part and parcel of it. So what I used to do, is watch tv, or read a book, ive been meaning to read for decades, or cooking if you feel like it. But dont hit yourself so hard,,, your doing your best, and thats all we can hope for. Your ill, take care of yourself ,, pamper yourself, like you would do if you had flu, get your hair, nails, whatever makes you feel better x
go with the flow,,, and take care
Linda x were all here for you.
I am with you on this! I can't get myself out of a trough of depression that is spoiling my life. I do want to do so much but I have no energy to do it. I came home yesterday and couldn't wait to get into bed and here I am at 4.22 the next day...still in my bed! I am comfort eating and oversleeping. All I can do is take things a day at a time and try and make some small changes and efforts. This usually works but it is not easy. I really feel for you today. I hope you feel some comfort soon and that the help you need is there.
Dont beat yourself up, You have an illness, if you had a broken leg, you would not expect yourself to jog a mile, you would be resting etc. Now you have been through a v.hard time and when we get depressed we just see the pain in our lives. We don't see our lovely son, and the good mother you are. Talk to your Doctor, and don't compare yourselves to others, I used often look at couples in the supermarket and think " Poor me, I wish I had a partner" blah blah, and thinking everyone else is happy. Really we don't know whats going on in anyones life, that pretty girl walking down the road, could be dealing with any problem, No one in life is free of problems. So realise this is a stage, it will finish, and your life will go on.
Concentrate on making small changes, and don't feel its your fault your partner left. You are not responsible for any one else actions. Please look after yourself and keep in touch here, you will get a lot of sense, and everyone here has their problems, but we all still try and help each other out.
I concur that we don't know what's going on in people's lives-depression I suppose makes you believe that your life is rubbish and everyone elses is hunky dory. Of course that's not the case-but depression gives you "tunnel vision" and you only consider how you yourself feel; that's part of it I suppose.
I am on medication and have been for some time now but it doesn't appear to be helping...perhaps a trip back (again) to the GP's woud help to see if my medication could be changed.
I know I have to try and keep myself occupied; I am applying for jobs after being made redundant but I have not been successful so far which is not helping my self esteem. I had a wide circle of friends there but now I have gone it's like I never existed. I have made efforts to keep in touch but no-one has responded. I suppose I have to accept that part of my life is over (hurtful after 34 years.) I am also looking into volunteer work but it's hard to make someone else try to feel better when you feel so low; worse because I am a sociable person and at present my home has become my prison instead of a place of sanctuary.
I know I should try and get out at least in the daytime but I lack motivation even to do that...I have put a bit of weight on and none of my clothes seem to fit which lowers my confidence even more....one thing in my life that was always a constant was my weight; I never had to worry about it...now it's just something else that's wrong.
Thank You for letting me have a rant...please feel free to rant back if you want to. x
Thanks for writing back, I totally understand how low you feel, its very hard when the constants in life such as a job etc. come to an end. I retired myself last year and it was a huge change, I felt so isolated and hardly ever went out, I too felt I was in a prison. Sounds strange but it all kinda just happened to me. I had to make a real big effort to push myself to meet up with people for drinks and coffees, I can imagine, if I had a weight issue too, I would have gone totally down.
Number one, tackle the weight, a friend of mine lost a good bit of weight with Slimming World, they are all good, and at least you would feel you are doing something positive to help yourself. Its a domino effect, when you do one little positive thing for yourself, that itself will give you a lift. At least thats how I am.
Talk to the Doctor and see what he says, but from reading your post, I would say your whole self esteem has taken a battering. So make a little list of a few little things for next week and see do you feel a bit better. I think I got so fed up with doing nothing and feeling bad that I knew I had to change my ways and start helping myself. I would not put myself up for voluntary work until you feel better yourself. ( only what I think) You need to be well yourself to help anyone else. Its your time now, you need to concentrate on you, you are worth it and sound like a really intelligent bright woman. Hope this is of some help. Please rant to me anytime.
Thank you again for your kind email. I hope you are feeling well today?
Your suggestions make lots of sense and I know you are right and here follows the "but"
I got up this morning (early as usual as I can't sleep beyond 4.30-4.45) and decided I was going to clean and tidy the house-it's not dirty but hasn't been done for a couple of weeks properly.
I saw my son off to school (bless him he has his first mock A level exam today) and again have lost my motivation. The house isn't big; it would only take 3 hours max so why can't I be bothered?
I am so angry at myself! I am sure I would feel better for doing it but am already tired and it's not even 8.45 am.
In terms of the weight issue; I went through the menopause around 4 years ago so would have expected post menopausal weight gain before now (I am assuming that may be one explanation). I am usually between a size 6 and 8. Many people would say "they should be so lucky"; but I don't think I could fit in size 10/12 now and this has all happened in the last 6 weeks!!! I am only 4 feet 11 inches tall so any weight gain is more noticeable..I don't need to weigh myself to know when I am uncomfortable. I have also thought have I got an underactive thyroid or is it ovarian cancer? (worst case scenario.) as it's all round my lower and upper abdomen. Most likely is I am not active enough.
My son keps asking me if I am ok; I think he knows that all is not as it should be. I gave birth to him when I was 36 and am now 54...most of his friends have younger Mums. I can't burden him with the "depressed" thing, it's just not fair to do so as he has enough with exams.
It's the typical thing "if I only had a job"; if only I had a partner", if only I had a purpose for "me" that would be good wouldn't it?
I apologise I appear really selfish (I'm not); it's just a fair description of my mindset at the moment.
There is so much more to my story going back many years and I know it is indicative of my ongoing condition.
I have seen counsellors, a psychiatrist (who told me to go away and write a book)and CBT but there is still things gnawing away at me that no-one can seem to help me with.
Lois I had typed a reply to you but it disappeared, now I am too fed up myself to do it again.
Dont beat yourself up, I constantly struggle with lack of motivation, and now I don't wait to feel motivated, I just do one thing. Clean kitchen, or bathroom, about 15mins slot is all I can do. Once I get into it , I dont feel too bad, but starting to do it is like hell.
Try and get out for a tiny walk, and treat yourself to coffee. where do you live? I live in Dublin,
I am sorry you are feeling fed up. I hope it wasn't me.
Thank You for sending the reply you have; it was a very kind gesture especially appreciated as you are having life tough today.
In my "head rules heart" mode I know you are right and I know it's a "baby steps" progress but I can't get motivated to even start that!!
I do try and get out when I can; and have done the coffee bit (on my own; everyone else is too busy). It would be nice to have coffee and conversation though; even coffee places seem to be full of "twosomes" being friends or partners usually on their lunch breaks.
I live in Lincoln England, a place where apparently not may people have heard of....they usually say "where is that?" I usually reply by saying it has a nice Cathedral!!
I searched for a site like this and I found it. I have so many of the same problems as the people posting here. I have felt hopeless my entire life. All of our lives are a bit different but I have all the same side effects. I finally did find a great guy to be married to but inside myself I still have the negative feelings, anxiety, depression. I think all of us have to be selfish to help ourselves go from one day to the next. Life is such a struggle, I don't understand why people have so many children, knowing they cannot afford it or just don't have the energy to go through with it. I intentionally decided not to have children because I knew I couldn't deal with it. Life is such a struggle for me every day I can't imagine focusing on children. I have trouble with every day issues. One day at a time is the only way to go. For the person whose father died, visit the grave, maybe, after the funeral. It is best not to be around people who make you feel worse. I didn't even know my parents were dead, since my brother kidnapped them and had them cremated with no funeral. He wanted their savings account.
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Don't know what to do about my mum!
I just don't get it
Sometimes I just want to cry
I don't know what else to do...
Just want to get off this rollercoaster....
