In my last post, I was wondering how I could find the strength to push myself to my feet again after the last knock, and whether it was worth it, or would be less painful to just stay down. I got some lovely replies from some of you, thank you. I also made my decision. Well, in fact, my heart made it for me, without reference to my head much - some things are so integral to you that you just can't change them!
I've decided to keep fighting, put the past behind me, apart from the lessons it's set me to learn, and not let myself be defeated. I've also decided to try and let go of some old, very old, values and habits, because I know that they're part of the net which was holding me down.
Firstly, at the beginning of this week I joined a slimming group. I've been overweight since childhood, and I want to finally get free from that. The time has to be right, nothing can force you to take that step unless you really feel it's time, and I'm hoping this is it. 15 months ago I gave up my 18 year smoking habit. This will be much harder, I have 8 stone to lose, and I'll have to lose some weight before I can do many of the physical activities I used to (ironic that!), but I hope I can keep motivated and see it through. It occurred to me that I don't even know what I look like slim, and I'd like to find out!
I'm also trying to go out and be more active, and I was amazed to find that, from dreading to set foot outside the door, I've gone to either walking every day, or staying in and following dance classes on YouTube! That's very encouraging, it gives me that feeling of, 'Hey, I can DO this!'. The best thing is, it's helped with my depression. I feel that I'm actually doing something positive and constructive, instead of just sitting and existing.
Anyway, fingers crossed, if this works it could be life-changing. I'll keep you posted, and if anyone else is doing something similar, I hope it's encouraging to know that you're not alone!
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Aleisis
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It's great to hear that you have set yourself goals I believe you will get there. I found giving up smoking really hard to do I gave up three times and was eventually successful on my third attempt. It's the body craving the nicotine that will be difficult. Trust me when I say that after a year of not smoking you will feel totally different, your sense of smell and taste will improve and you will never go back to smoking again. Wish you luck with your slimming group hopefully you find people there who will inspire and support you. Setting goals is a sign of recovery and if you face setbacks learn to forgive yourself and get back on the track again. My goals this year are to change my mindset as I am my own worse enemy and from now on I will try hard to worry less, and try to spend more time making myself feel happy.
Thanks Maria, good advice. Yes, I'd tried giving up a couple of times and failed, the last time it just felt right, I quit cold turkey, more or less. I still get the odd craving even now, but I tried a cigarette a few weeks after I gave up, and it tasted so horrible I had to throw it away, so if I feel like having one now I just remind myself that I wouldn't like it of I did!
Good for you with the changes you're making yourself! Those are the tricky ones, the changes that come from inside, but it can be done, and it gets easier. I'm sure you'll do it!
I have some major changes in mindset to make myself - four in fact, I didn't go into them in my post, it would have taken too long, but in a nutshell:
1. I need to stop hiding from things which I find unpleasant or stressful (ie. paperwork, which gives me panic attacks).
2. I need to get organised and stop procrastinating.
3. I, like you, need to be more forgiving towards myself and not beat myself up over little things, and
4. I need to let go of the idea that I need to be in a relationship to have value as a person (I know that last one sounds obvious, but it's ruled my life since school, when the other girls told me I'd never be loved or have a boyfriend because I was too ugly/fat/weird/poor/bad at sport/wore the wrong clothes/listened to the wrong music etc...). Bullying at school gets brushed under the carpet a lot, but it's really shaped my life for 25 years, I wish people would be more aware of the effect they can have on others! It only dawned on me a few month ago that that's what was what had been going on in my head all these years!
You sound so strong it's really good to hear. Yes we all carry our scars from years long gone by. I hated my time at school not many happy memories for me there either it is where I started to feel like a victim and that there were certain situations where I could not defend myself, which can be pretty scary for most people. To feel physically vulnerable is as bad as feeling mentally vulnerable. Bullies are everywhere and when I left school I thought I would be able to leave the bullies behind, if only. The person I am now has been shaped mainly by my history and I recognise this and I am trying to change the way I feel and perceive the world around me, it's hard work.
We will get there together I'm always here if you need me.
Love Maria xxx
Great news that you have given up the evil weed as I call it. You are going to be sooooo much better now that you've stopped. Regarding the weight just do it a bit at a time. Eat as healthily as you can and try to get a little exercise everyday. After a while you will notice your clothing will be looser and you will have more energy.
Oh and continue to write those lovely poems (after a brisk walk!!!)
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Up and down
Feeling up and down
Home from Mexico and feeling very low
am I maybe depressed? what do I do 
What do I do?
