Every year I think this new year is going to be so much better than the last one and every year it is so much worse. This year is a good example. I was going to do so much this year, cycle my first sportive, get fitter on my bike and start to be more organised. (OK the last one was definitely a dream).
It all started in January when I was diagnosed with neovascular glaucoma and despite having injections, laser treatment and 2 operations I lost the sight in my right eye. Then in October they had to do more laser work on my left eye. I feel I have spent so many hours at the hospital I might as well moved there. Today I went to an optician as I can't see whilst wearing my glasses and I can't see without them. The long and short of it is that my eyesight is too poor for me to drive. I live alone and I am self-employed and rely on driving for my career.
All I keep thinking is that last year I had no idea that I would be half blind. Also that in the last month a visit from the bailiffs. Fortunately I will be spending Christmas alone. I don't want to spend anytime pretending that I am coping and that everything is ok.
Written by
trachet
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Yes, you have been through a rotten time this year and no-one can really walk in your footsteps, all we can do is try and encourage you to carry on and see if you can change the quality of your life by new activities and then opening up new pathways that you did not know existed.
When I was at work in my mid thirties I came down with a medical condition that caused me to loose my job and be medically retired, that started a new life for me where I wrote a travel book, did voluntary work and helped those with Depressive illness. My condition is an overactive immune system and i never really worked again because I was always and still am in pain. This year I had my sixty fifth birthday and now retired.
Now I still do Voluntary Work and I am on various Task Groups and Working Parties on in the NHS. I still have my disabilities, I still have my Reactive Depression. That does not stop me living my life to its full extent.
In my past before I became disabled I was dancing Latin, Ballroom three nights a week. I also was a qualified Youth Leader who had his own club, I took the kids walking in the hills and would instruct them in playing table tennis to County level. I would also swim thirty five lengths three times a week after a heavy day at work.
All I can really suggest is that you consider what life has given to you, life shoves many goolies at us especially when we become older. Yes we cannot do what the able bodied can do, we can of course consider what we can do and experiment until we find something we can do and enjoy.
When I was at work I had to travel about an hour morning and night, On the bus was a blind man, He also travelled the same distance, catching a bus at 6.40 in the morning and walk about a half a mile to get to His Office, He would return same at night and His Wife would pick Him up at the bus station.
Yes you have disabilities, yes life will be harder and more of a trail, however that does not stop us finding a slot in society that we can still undertake.
When I was retired my life seemed that it had hit the pits, the pits eventually lead to a very interesting life that is still giving me challenges. I have tests in the New Year to check for dementia, I will have to accept my lot and consider what I can do to keep me active.
We all feel sorry for ourselves at first, we all need to be brave and continue on
If you need to talk I am always around. I am always in chronic pain although I try and get around, even when I am suffering arthritis in my hands when typing
Thankyou for your reply. My whole life has been a battle and I am so sick and tired of it. My dad died when I was 20 and my mum died 2 years later, 2 days after my nan died. 1 week later my eldest brother wanted me to move out of the house immediately. He threatened to take me to court but the house was left to me. The problem was that I was at music college in London. Well 20+ years I'm still living in the house. I've been living alone ever since and the constant battles I am having with my health and depression is so awful. 2 months ago my GP increased my Metformin to the top dose. I still feel awful though.
All I can suggest is in the first instance talk to your GP there may be something that they can help you come to terms with your condition and begin to use those talents you really do have. I remember when I retired I was like a cat standing in the middle of the road, being dazzled in the headlights of a car, unable to move.
I understand although I do not know what you could play they may be able for you to be trained to feel the instrument, Have you tried the NRIB they may be able to assist. Just a suggestion, are you working at this time and playing music, as I would imagine music will be one of your main loves.
When family die so quickly it can leave everyone with a terrible hole in the heart and if we are not well in ourselves that can really knock the wind out of our sails.
Life is one big journey and when we are depressed we become impatient and frustrated with ourselves, you need time to let yourself move on. Have you any family left that you can talk to.
It is important to grieve then move on and continue your life as best you can
The medication will need about six weeks to work properly so be patient.
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What else 
Feel like ending things, really had enough
So Bad It's Funny, almost
Need good wishes.
I’m not gonna just give up 
