i am so angry, frustrated,misunderstood and cannot calm down.
meand my mother cannot get along, we just do not connect. its not your typical teenage mother aguments, we are at each others throats every single day, and i have really bad anger issues, and she cries but then still blames me.
i dont need anyone to say she still loves me or whatever, i know she does but i cannot continue thisway and its pushing me over the edge. Because of my parents divorce i try to act as normal as possible with both of them, but they both minipulate and use me, i dont know whats right and wrong to say or do; therefore i say nothing or everything.
my parents are selfish, they are makingmy doctor/therapy issues into their own problem, when im trying so hard to help myself they just have to go and makeit about them. its not about them. its about me,i need insparation/motivation to continue, becausei feel like im going crazy.
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Robyn_xy
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Hi Robyn
Ok 2 things.
The 1st one is that I think lots of teenage girls & mothers don't get along as well as they used to once the girl reaches 16 - until the girl moves out. That's not to say it's the girl's fault. My own inner pop psychologist thinks it's because the relationship is changing as the girl is growing up & becoming a woman. She wants to be treated as such, while sometimes perhaps still acting young, & the mum doesn't yet see her growing into womanhood because she is still her little girl & doesn't want to lose that. Sorry if any of that comes over as patronising - it's not intended to, perhaps some others (particularly the women on here) can explain it better. I'm sure you half expect to hear about being young & puberty or emotions running high, but as much as you may sigh or roll your eyes about that sort of stuff it is true. Hell even now I can get angry when my emotions get the better of me, the only difference between me & you (or me & the 16yr old me) is that through experience I've learned to bite my tongue a little more because sometimes when you say something hurtful or nasty you can't take it back because some people will always remember it.
Right now the 2nd thing (divorced parents putting the ex down to you) is something I have experience with & not just down to observation. When I was I guess 13 or 14, after years of hearing the snide little remarks & put downs about my dad, my brother & I decided to have a word with our mum. We didn't want to upset her or have her feel like we were picking his side or anything but we didn't want her to continue with the put downs or trying to cloud/influence our minds about the type of man/father he was. now this is verbatim but is the sort of thing we said to her - we said that while we love her we didn't like the put downs or complaints about him, however justified she was, for good or bad he was our only dad & we had to make our own minds up about him. All she'd accomplish in continuing to do it would be to change how we saw her & push us towards him more. To her credit she listened & although a little defensive at the time & probably a little upset she agreed & mostly stopped.
I have no idea if any of this makes any sense. I'm tired & finding it a little difficult to concentrate.
Robyn! I have been there and sympathy is not what you need. Empathy (someone to understand you!) To relate to you! Parents are (being a parent myself to five children) Selfish and do not always take the time to realise that they are ' being selfish!' A therapist can help you or just talking it out with a close relative or friend. I can help you and have helped many in your position. I see this arguement and problem from both points of view because i have experienced this myself and as a parent 'I have also been Judgemental and selfish too!' When we as Parents need to step back and take time out to realise that 'our children; no matter how old are PRECIOUS to us!' You seek help for yourself; as this can sometimes develope into Depression and Stress. No Mental Health Drugs help; so take care when seeking Help from a Doctor and Seek sensible Therapy tailored for your needs.
I take it you didn't find that any mental health drugs worked for you? I feel it's a little dangerous/unhelpful to say that none work or help. Robyn should find that out for herself with the help of her GP.
NOT HELPFUL! How dare you have a go at someone for expressing problems they are having!! Now I don't know if you are simply having a bad day or are just a spiteful person. If you are done with "self pitying people" then stop coming onto a depression forum because guess what? It's a bloody big part of depression!
Robyn - Ignore this spiteful, vindictive foolish person
I am not having a go at. Anyone, simply expressing a point of view that the person might have if their mother isn't there. Why are you being so touchy about this?
I'm touchy about someone having a go & saying they are done with self pitying people on a depression forum. It doesn't help someone suffering from depression as self pity comes with the territory. You wouldn't go on a weight watchers website & say you're fed up with fat people, would you?
I am sorry if my reply was not helpful but I can only go on experience.. You have to think of yourself here. Counselling will lead you down a path where you will keep thinking it is your fault. It isn't. They have got themselves into this mess and let them get themselves out of it. YOU ARE BLAMELESS!!
I'm sorry you're having problems with your Mum. I've had difficulties with my own in the past where I've felt really misunderstood and it's not nice. I want to let you know, even though it might sound obvious, it's ok to be angry. In fact it's probably a good thing that you're angry because it shows that you recognise your needs aren't being listened to and that you're worth it. I really don't know enough about this to analyse this Robyn, in anyway - I don't know what the arguments are about and I don't know yourself or your family. All any of us can do is give you practical advice, say what has helped them. First of all Robyn if I ever feel tensions in the air, then I try to stay out of the person's way to stop an argument from beginning.
Hard as it is, if there's something irritating that someone has done that you want to express, you should ask yourself, is it really worth pursuing? Or better to let go of it? What I also mean is it is better to live with a small amount of irritation at say, a habit you dislike (that you may have continually asked them to stop), or risk the devastating consequences of an argument. Some do serve a purpose, for example, they can lead people to work out the underlying issue(s), and come to a compromise. But many times they go around in circles.
These are first my few points. I have about 3 more that I want to talk about in detail. But I'll leave it here for now and come back in a bit as I need to dash.
What does the doc say? Or is it one of those sessions where you do all the talking and then nod sagely.
I don't really know but I think your rights of passage have got intertwined with their divorce of passage.
You say it isn't a teenage thing but I don't think that's fair on you. When you're a teenager, all the chemicals in your body and brain go a bit haywire and your still growing believe it or not. So cut yourself some slack, some of this is about you growing up and asserting your independence which is important if you are to form your own personality and some of it is your body giving you a roller coaster ride, what a mess!
All I can suggest is to start searching out coping skills, you're not the only one who has been through this, coping skills like changing the subject mid sentence, when your about to erupt or have erupted and gone too far go to the toilet and count down from 10. None of this will solve your problems but you need some breathing space, slowly, slowly the momentum of you getting angrier and angrier will slow down.
On your parents side they are trying to cope with the immanent idea of their little girl growing up and leaving home, right in the middle of a relationship breakup, what a nightmare.
So here's the thing Robyn (cute name by the way), what about a CUNNING PLAN to leave home one day, have you thought about college?
Could you delve into what you would like to do for yourself, something that might make you happy. That way while they are playing silly games with you, you have a card up your sleeve.
Fact is parents are manipulative goes with the territory, but you know what you're young enough for the good stuff to happen. So hang in there, know its temporary (though it may go on for sometime) and look after yourself as much as possible.
I hope unlike my mother your's is not violent, violence is a nightmare not because it's physical and hurts but because you can take on as your own coping skill (not a good idea).
You have soooo much a head of you, so much that could go your way, try not (though I know its in your face) to get wrapped up in the here and now. You've obviously got big and eventually good changes coming up, let the storm pass and weather it as best you can.
Silly parents...tsk, honestly.
You could religate them to my imaginary naugthy corner, its free and the steps got nails in it...grrrr.
Ask your therpist, say I want coping skills or I'm leaving!
Good Luck Robyn, you can do this and you are MUCH smarter and more resourceful than you think.
Oh and keep talking to this lot they are UBER helpful.
KEEEEEP GOING and DONT LET ANYONE or ANYTHING stand in your way!!!
I'm back. I can see that Caroline has replied, and I'm not sure if there are going to be some similarities but I haven't read it because I feel I can't concentrate on reading a lot at the moment, and I want to just carry on with what I was saying in my own way, will probably read Caroline's after.
So to elaborate on my last point (this sounds awfully formal doesn't it? ), if you're going to confront anyone you have to think about how you go about it. So as I said, start off by asking yourself if it's worth it, and if it is, you have to catch the other person at the right moment, and pick one topic you want to discuss, don't make it about anything else. Use I - as my counsellor always told me to do. 'When you do this... I feel...' etc. Or, 'I find what you say about this unfair... because...' and then suggest how you can resolve it. Saying I is said to work because the individual you're talking to can't dispute your own, personal feelings, and what you say isn't directed straight at them.
The other things I wanted to say was that if you're doing everything you've been asked of, and you know in you're heart that you're honestly making all of the effort you can, then your Mum - or anyone else, can't be justified. The one thing we have to remember is that we can't control anyone's else's behaviour, we can only control our own.
So taking the example of your parents talking about each other to you in an unkind way, you can choose not to get involved, and calmly tell them this. Maybe it's not for me to say as my parents are together still - but I think that's the best way. I know it must be difficult to hear what each parent is saying about the other, but it's important to remember that it's between them and not you, it's not for either them to decide what relationship to have with the other. The best thing you can do is take anything they say with a pinch of salt - know that what each one is saying may not be credible, even distorted, because there is unresolved anger in their relationship - and make up your own mind about each parent based on your own experiences, and try to stay logical. I was just using them as an example for this particular point, I'll come back your parents.
Walking away can take a lot of strength, especially if we feel there is something we need to say, argue our point against, or defend ourselves for, but it's often the best option. The anger will subside eventually, but don't be afraid to take it out on the pillow or even have your own little cry if it's too much. It's just anger in that quantity may not be best directed an individual, even if it's the individual causing us the anger, as it may cause us to say something in the heat of the moment for example, or it may cloud our judgement and prevent the problem being solved faster.
Later on, you may be able to go back and say what is what you were going say, in a more coherent manner, having thought it through and calmed down. We may also want to reflect on our own behaviour. It's important to for us to do this and recognise if and when we've make a mistake, however uncomfortable this sits with us to begin with. Remember the truth sets us free, and you will often be respected more for apologising first.
Have you tried keeping a diary? It can be great for many things, such as taking note of behaviour or getting something you want to say written down before you forget. Or with the occasional chance that you may not get the opportunity to say you're bit, your diary would be a great way for getting it out there somewhere and for you to release your feelings. Also if it's really difficult to reason with your Mum, you may find it helpful to write a letter - and a diary could aid this. Perhaps say how much you love your Mum and how hurtful you find it to hear about her talking about your Dad in that way.
Your parents may not love each other, but they both love you - that's the one thing left they have in common, and I suspect that they don't even realise the affect their behaviour towards on another is having on you - because they're so wrapped up in their own anger. I'm sure once they realise they'll make an effort to stop doing it. But remember what I said before, about not being able to control others. If you can't stop them, you'll eventually master controlling your own reaction towards it. To begin with you can make the conscious decision not to repeat what they say, but you don't have the carry the burden of it yourself (in fact you shouldn't! as it isn't fair on you) you can discuss it privately with a counsellor or someone you trust. Or in the absence of that, you can write it down somewhere for you to put aside and discuss at later date with someone when you're ready.
Whichever option you choose in terms of expressing how you feel, I'm wondering if it would be helpful suggest having family counselling with Relate. As the situation you're in isn't going to be helping your mental health, and it isn't doing anyone any good. Some guidance from someone professional and objective may help you to get a better understanding of the other's point of view. Much of the stigma against depression, for example, is down to ignorance about the condition. Perhaps (remember this is speculation) your Mum could be struggling to understand that you're ill because she doesn't understand much about depression.
If you ever want to talk about this I'm just a pm away.
I think you should record what you hear from your mum or whoever is making the comments, I realised once how I talk to my kids sometimes, and when you hear it played back to yourself, you realise more what your saying, and how you sound, a lot of the time when my kids answer back, they are repeating what they have heard before, I know your not a child, as your becoming a young woman, but when the comments are being made, it's as if your mum wants you to see your dad as she does, but that will never happen, because you only see him as dad, and your mum as mum, and as much as your mum or dad would like you to see who is right and wrong, and maybe make you against the other parent, and that is not fair on you, because your not their partner or husband and wife, your their child, and to me it's like they are trying to make you against the other for power, maybe you could do the recordings and write a letter, it's easy to ignore someone talking, but when you get a letter, most people always read them, and after you've done that, if you hear them starting to do it again, walk out the room, or say, I don't want to hear it, I hope you find some way to deal with this, it's never easy when parents break up, they never seem to realise, that with all that's going on, your hurting too,
I was reading your post and wondered how you are getting along.
The Royal College of Psychiatrists have been advocating for years that GP's in addition to looking after the physical health of families should also be looking after their mental health needs as well and that many of the mental health issues that affect people in later life have their foundations laid before the age of 14.
You may think that your relationship with your mum is worse than others because you are comparing it to those you know but the reality is there are loads of young people out there who seem to be at loggerheads
with one or both of their parents.
Lets face it , your family does sound like you all have issues but the truth is at this stage you need to be your own priority. I think Mental Health is about understanding why you are having issues, what impact that is doing to you scientifically and medically and doing whatever you have to to take back control. The anger, frustration and not being able to calm down are all symptoms of a loss of control. They will be generating an excess of chemicals in your brain and that chemical imbalance will impact you in many different ways.
Arguments as you are experiencing are not by nature constructive because no-one is listening to each other.
Can I suggest you write your mum a letter. If you place blame on her she will naturally want to try to explain and feel sad. When you are explaining your situation with her try to put yourself in her position.
For example you feel manipulated . Whilst she may feel differently, guilty or whatever that is not your intention. Your feelings are what they are and you need to get help and support to understand and deal with them for yourself. Your mum in turn may have issues which she needs to understand and get some support for. Eventually there will issues for each to sort out alone or on a 1-2-1 basis or all together but
until everyone understands their own issues communication might be difficult.
You might also suggest when you are both calm to have a day where the touchy issues are not discussed. You could agree things that are non sensitive and interesting to have a discussion on. The music your mum liked, the friends she had, what activities were available to her when she was your age. Your earliest memories, your favourite colour or your favourite band anything. As you said you know your mum loves you and I expect your dad too. These are relationships worth try to fix and not run from just make sure you have space of your own when you need it.
What is motivational or inspirational to you is going to be very personal. There's quite a lot of information help and support out there for young entrepreneurs. There was a schoolgirl who won a marketing award last year. She started one of these flash mob dance groups then wrote to loads of celebrities to find someone to mentor her. The guy that played Snape in Harry Potter wrote back and agreed to help
Decide what it is you want that will inspire and motivate you then get someone out there who is already doing it to help. Lots or organisations out there to help young people. eg The Princes Trust
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), if you're going to confront anyone you have to think about how you go about it. So as I said, start off by asking yourself if it's worth it, and if it is, you have to catch the other person at the right moment, and pick one topic you want to discuss, don't make it about anything else. Use I - as my counsellor always told me to do. 'When you do this... I feel...' etc. Or, 'I find what you say about this unfair... because...' and then suggest how you can resolve it. Saying I is said to work because the individual you're talking to can't dispute your own, personal feelings, and what you say isn't directed straight at them. 
What is left to be done?
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