At a loss...

[Young_mom_of2]

Hi there everyone,

I realized about 8 months ago that I have suffered from depression since I was a child. I think I never allowed myself to realize/admit I have depression before for fear of others looking down on me. there are mental illnesses and depression that run in my mom's side of the family and those suffering individuals were always treated poorly and looked down on.

But now I've come to terms with admitting I suffer from depression and that it doesn't make me a failure as a person. I used to think it did. But I think I have met so many wonderful people who suffer from depression, and I know it doesn't diminish their worth. Anyway, I was able to find some routines and things that helped me to combat my depression. But I've recently moved and my life is quite different. I am unable to have those same routines that helped combat my depression. I try so SO SO hard to be healthy and happy for the sake of my hubby and 2 beautiful daughters. I try to be happy and functional so I can give them the best of me. But lateky I feel like a failure. My depression does affect my ability to parent well, as it makes me angry and short fused and it affects my relationship with my husband.. I've told my husband I suffer from depression several months ago. But he does not understand depression one bit and offers little support. He had a very hard upbringing that has made him pretty hard emotionally. He seems to feel very little emotion and has little sympathy for others and their problems because he is the kind of person who asks for no help and solves his own problems. He expects others to do the same. Don't get me wrong, I love him dearly. But because of his emotional hardness and lack of sympathy, I feel so distant from him when I experience depressive episodes. He gets so frustrated with me. So tonight I said I wished he would try to understand my depression, so that I can feel like I can come to him and talk. But he's not currently willing to learn/have sympathy. What do I do?? How can I help us understand each other, for this causes problems in our marriage. What can I say to help him realize how much I need HIM to be there as support. Sorry to rant on and on. I just don't know how to make this better. Currently we can not afford therapy for me or couples therapy.

Thanks for listening.

Mary

[Hidden]

Hi Mary, as I am not sure where you are living I don’t understand the financial aspect of therapy? Have you investigated if there is any that you can get without paying? Perhaps the voluntary sector in your area has something.

It’s very difficult when one wants to try and the other is reluctant, men tend to be more of having to see themselves as strong and not needing outside help! I have a boss like that but he still likes using me as his sounding board regarding his family! Which is why it would help so much for you to have a mediator listening to you both and helping both sides.

If that’s impossible you could try the library or internet for books on what you could try to get him to listen?

It must be so difficult for you trying to cope and hold everything together if you don’t feel like you have a support structure around you to help.

Is there anyway you can get any time away for just the two of you, if only for just the odd evening, just where you can focus on something enjoyable to do together.

When my girls were small I was in a babysitting circle that worked on a token system as we were always penniless, and sometimes would just go off on a picnic by ourselves for some quiet time together?

Depression and having the blues are very different from one another, and we usually get both, so you must think about the severity of the depression and not just try to cope without having your doctor or other health practitioner being there to help you. Once you are in a downward spiral it can be just too difficult to try and get yourself out of it and in those cases you need help from wherever you can get it.

One silly little thing that used to help me years ago when the family was young was looking at my Biorhythm cycle (free on the internet) usually I would discover I was on an emotional low when I felt it! so could then see things were going to get better in a few days and plan around that when I would do things. This of course could have been all in my mind! But just saying I felt it helped looking forward like that.

Take care, lots of hugs

Moni xxxxx

[Young_mom_of2 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for replying Monib. It hadn't occurred to me that there could be free therapy? Where would I even look for that? I live in Hawaii. So pretty much everything is super expensive.

Yes, maybe I can find some resources for ideas on how to help my husband understand. Or help him decide to cooperate. I agree that it's important to have a support group when dealing with depression. Luckily I only have mild/moderate depression. Some times are worse. But usually I can manage my depression with exercise, etc. Which is lucky. But sometimes despite trying to keep depression away , it still comes. And it affects me in every way. So I definitely need my spouse on board as a help.

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

[Hidden in reply to Young_mom_of2]

Hi Mary,

Sadly I think it is one of those things that once you have suffered depression it can come and go always. As life itself can never be fully controlled I guess niether can depression? but the good thing is we can lesson the blow sometimes but having stratagies in place when things start to go downhill.

At the moment I am following Paul Gilberts books and finding them very helpful, I no longer have my husband around and in one way that's a lot easier as it means I don't have any guilt feelings that I am not fullfilling my role as wife and mother. sadly it sometimes can mean I get odd times when loneliness can strike, but luckily that's only when feeling depressed.

I used to be more of a manic depressive, so it did sometimes also have advantages with the manic phases, as long as they didn't go too hyper! no one ever complained about those though, but it's easy to loose support when you spiral down and can't comunicate, so not a very good place to be

I am amazed hope much can now be found on youtube that can be so helpful, I think it has opened a whole new world for self help, and well worth the time to investigate.

I hope you feel a little better very soon and find ways of getting a little more understanding from your hubby xxx