A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, ‘Have you seen my brother?’ The barman says, ‘I don’t know. What does he look like?’
Man, to barman, ‘Do you serve women in this place?’ Barman, ‘No. You have to bring your own.’
Now the question is does anyone know any.....Light Bulbs!?!... 
x
Well if you must know Tuna Fish and Salad, I actually forgot to have lunch...doh xx
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Thats my alll time favourite
Q.How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They won't touch it - its a hardware problem
Ha Ha love that
This is me:
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
ha ha x
Recognise yourself?
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II
How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.
How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.
How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.
How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.
How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.
How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.
How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.
How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?
How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Lol. Well written. Astrology always winds me up (because I feel it to be a bit insulting of one's intelligence) while at the same time I enjoy indulging in it. How does that work eh?
lol loved it. i read it and thought of all the star signs my family are and it matches up exactly. so funny x
Sooo true so come on Kevlar which one are you, or are you the elusive 13th Star! X
im a little virgo thanks x
Waaah the Virgos are coming to get me heee hooo hooo ha ha Hope you get the quote X
lol not sure. is it not meant to be the clowns??? 
x
It's a very NON PC comedy song about going crazy
'And They're coming to take me away Ha Ha
They're coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
to the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time, and I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats
and they're coming to take me away ha ha'
- They're Coming To Take Me Away - Lyrics
x
lol thats right. i remember now
I know classy right
my dad used to sing it to my mum lol
but did they Kevlar...did they take your Dad away :-)...lol.
I post this on another post but I thought you might like it too.....
Mr Chumley Warner and Grayson
Association Football - Harry Enfield - Mr Cholmondley-Warner
youtube.com/watch?v=y4CXY6T...
Women: Know Your Limits! Harry Enfield - BBC comedy
youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNY...
x
lol no they never took him away, it was my dad suggesting they should do that to my mum lol
i should have asked if you liked little kittens, and do you think they are soft and furry? lol
Wait ..don't all WOMEN?!?
There was a reeeaaallly good clip with Mr Grayson called 'Women ..Know your limits...For pities sake DONT drive!' ...lol. However they've taken that one off Youtube.
Anyway basically she backs into a wall and blames the fact that her head is full of fluffy kittens and sewing...lol.
Umm FWUFFY KITTENS .....
lol thats so funny. i read a comment on utube saying that it is still like that in the usa. i cant comment on the truth of that, but its shocking
I'm missing the point here Kevlar are you saying a head full of kittens and knitting is BAAAD?!
We all know boys heads are fullll of cars and football
Unless you're gay and then it's PINK cars and football.
Dont you just looove stereotypes!
Samantha (Im sorry I havent a clue - radio 4) ...Bring in the the stereotypes
x
yes you have got it spot on lmao.
thatll be me a ginger haired kilt wearing scotsman. except ive got dark hair and i wear denims mostly lol
x
So what are you really saying Kevlar that actually you are only posing as a Scotsman! Wait a minute the man on the porridge oats box has dark hair!
Jeans, Jeans, Hoots man, you'll be calling your self Hamish next and wanting yourrr tea!
I know this sounds an odd question but what on earth did we wear before Jeans were invented?!!!
And how did anyone fix their car before YouTube? !!?
So much to learn and so little time...theres ALWAYS...MORE QUESTIONS!!!!???? Arrrrgggg
x
before youtube we went to the garage lol
im a true scotsman, just dont wear my kilt all the time. and yes they are jeans, but you engerlish are too posh and thats why i was trying to be polite lol
So are you a Campbell , a Stuart or a Morrisons?
Ooooh Im going to get into sooo much trouble...lol
X
lol none im a jones
x
You're Welsh! I knew it, there was a hint in the accent, at first I thought you were from Dundoon but now as I listen to the lilt, I realise you must have spent time in Dundoon but you're actually from Cardiff....I know glaringly obvious when you think about it.
Leek Soup anyone
lol oh your so not funny
Funny, What like a Clown...do I look like a Clown to you
Gotta love 'Good Fellas'
x
lol yes exactly like a clown
No No you cant say that to me in this scenerio Im Joe Pesci you're supposed to be frightened of me!!! Unless you're Robert De Niro...tsk ...and you lot want devolution...dear me X
lol we don t follow the script, thats why we want independence lol
Smart aint you...Wasskly Waskel
That's hillarious
You're a Libran like me right...ha ha Cant make our minds up NO NEVER.....lol
X
Sagittarius....seen any bloody Virgos? They're never around when you need them! 
Probably all went to bed early.
Indeed I did
Loved the one for Sagittarius, my husband is one and I'm the Virgo
Silke
What a Wheeze
wheeze (wiːz)
vb
1. (Physiology) to breathe or utter (something) with a rasping or whistling sound
2. (intr) to make or move with a noise suggestive of wheezy breathing
n3. a husky, rasping, or whistling sound or breathing
4. Brit a trick, idea, or plan (esp in the phrase good wheeze)
5. a hackneyed joke or anecdote
They use what a jolly wheeze in books like Jeeves and Wooster by PG Woodhouse, if you want to learn old English terms that are useless now, you should read one of those they are hilarious.
My plan of corrupting your English Silke is going well :-). Blimey a Virgo, I bet he's neat and tidy
XX
im a virgo lol
Another Virgo?! Im surrounded, I better clean up my room quick AND brush my hair....And Polish my shoes
My friend always used to say Sagittarius were hot, so we will take it as read your good looking, but much like Virgo's cannot be found because you keep shooting off into the distance ...lol.
Either way I trump you by being a Libran its just the way things are
X
Thanks for that humour helps
Its not me it's the Penguuuinnns BIG KISS XX
LIBLOL!
I'm a classic Leo, it would be me changing the bulb though, as I live alone and have to do most things around here for myself 
I don't believe in Astrology , load of twaddle, but it's a bit of fun and why not?
My eyes glaze over if anyone asks me what star sign I am ! Argggg ? Grrrrr,
Hannah xx
Ah Ha so maybe YOU are the fabled 13th sign! ...lol. x
How many sound technicans does it take to change a light bulb? One two two one two two. x
Ha Ha that's a good one X
Feel like am on the verge of a nervous breakdown
Burst into tears & cried all day
"A weird thought came into my mind"
What a FOOL I am....
My first post, a bit (a lot) about me and my long term depression... 
