I really dont know what to do...

[emms]

I dont even know what else to say....

[Hidden]

Aww Emms, are you ok hun? xxx

[Suzie40]

What are your plans for today? X

[Hidden]

Hi emms am thinking of you take care hon. Hugs ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((emms)))))))))))))))))))))))) xxxx

[manu29]

take a deep breath hun and give it a try, just try to write down everything you are feeling, even if its feeling of numbness - trust me that helps

[SLSL]

Same here Emms - was almost positive last night, now hiding in bed again, why is it so hard

We deserve so much more. Please write more, try, perhaps it does help a little x

[emms in reply to SLSL]

yes all I seem to be doing is hiding in bed

[Stilltrying_]

Emms, I understand you are reaching out and I just want to say I can get like this when I really can't express myself but I feel so terrible and I know I need help. So just to say some thoughts which I try which are "The very worst of this will pass and I may have some clarity over how I am feeling in a few days time".

" I have managed to survive up till now and I can still carry on surviving. There is help out there and I am determined to get it".

Emms if I could make you feel better then I would.

Try anything you can which has worked for you even slightly in the past, even if that is just "holding on" but do also try and make that the most positive way that you know of coping and try and avoid anything going down too dangerous a road. I know i can't prescribe but what I am saying is use the best possible coping method that you have which will damage you the least. This is important.

We are all individual so I would not prescribe anything but I would also say that tranquillers ie diazepam helps me "in extremis".My doctor prescribes them to be used "as and when" and for me they can make the ultimate terror of things calm down a little. This is a very personal thing and not necessarily the answer for you but just thought I would mention it. Always go with what your doctors advise medication wise though and never self prescribe.

[emms in reply to Stilltrying_]

I do have diazepam - 15mg at night and 5mg in the morning. And take it with mirtazapine, zopiclone, and venlafaxine, as well as levothyroxine. The only thing that seems to get me through each night is the cutting, as I feel so stupid and need to punish myself. Im running out of meds now and terrified of contacting GP, as they want me to go away, im terrified of going outside even though the sun is out. I cant do anything without Neil. Ive been thinking of ways to die before it gets too late....I wont be able to cope with another xmas. It is too much. I am a waste of time as much qualifications are useless, since I lost my job (or am losing it...).

[Stilltrying_]

Oh Emma I am glad you are expressing yourself even though you are feeling desperate. I know you've been like this for a long time and I do understand those feelings of desperation as I have them myself.

Doctors can be very fallible I know and cannot provide what you truly need which is probably a feeling of security and real care ; I can assure you that no-one would wish it upon you to go away though so please don't be scared of seeing your doctor as getting your meds right is a part of it.

Try and get through each hour at a time. Keep as safe as you know how. Try not to think of dates in the future as that is too scary. Just take it moment by moment.

Try and refocus on anything at all which can take you out of how you are feeling if only for a short time. If you can't manage to go outside don't beat yourself up and it you can't refocus then you can't but just get through it the least harmful way to yourself. That is the advice I give to myself.

Gemma X