Hi all I'm quite new to this site, this is actually my first post. A little bit about myself. I'm 35. I must admit I've always been very happy and buoyant the life and soul of any situation I was a firm believer that everyone who works hard gets what they deserve. I've been an arborist (tree surgeon) for 19 years now I started straight out of school when I was 16. I've been at the top end of my game in this profession, and have gained many qualifications in all aspects of the industry.
I also have a passion which is sidecar racing, which I shared with whom only can be described as the most wonderful women in the world. My partner Nancy. She has been my everything for the last 4 years. It's on one of these race meets that I met her.
Unfortunately about 5 years back I had a fairly big crash on a circuit. The result I had to have a nerve reattached too my left bicep, a fractured wrist sorted. I was left with what can only be described as a numb stiff spine and especially neck.
When we had the really cold winter I couldn't move. I had little to no flexibility in my spine or neck. My hands were so cold they just weren't able to do what I called upon them too. There was whiteness and numbing of fingers, when heat eventually got back into them you'd get that throbbing sensation that's really uncomfortable. I thought I was starting to experience hand arm vibration from all the years using vibrating tools (chainsaws). So went to the doctors who referred me to a neurologist. Who did an MRI of the neck that showed between 5-6 there was a broken disc. I could see the large spinal cord and I thought the broken bit looks like its impeding it. The neurologist said that's nothing to worry about it's not fouling the cord. My neck constantly cricks and bangs though and can make you feel faint if you turn too much one way or the other. She sent me off for some nerve induction tests, and blood tests, both wrists come back with mild/slow left worst than right and a stretched nerve over the left elbow. Blood tests didn't show anything untoward at this point. Wrists splints to wear in bed and an elbow support to keep the left arm straight in bed were prescribed. She then refereed me to a rheumatologist for medicine for the Raynaud's. During all this time I was feeling really fatigued if I had a really really physical day at work which is pretty much everyday in our line of work. I would be hopeless during the evening it was as much as I could do to eat and shower.
I started to get myself really down. I believed that everyone was talking about me, at work I'd try and shy away from the bigger tree stick knowing I'll be a zombie for the rest of the week should I carry out the work exerting the physical energy needed to undertake the task. When I did climb just stepping around the tree was becoming really difficult. My hips were hurting my neck constantly stiff. Every time it rained or was cold I'd get really stiff.
The rheumatologist sent me for some more blood tests. They found HLAB27 present. During this time my eye sight has been getting worse. I had glasses in Jan but I feel they need lens adjustments already.
After finding the HLAB27 gene the rheumatologist sent me for an x ray on my Sacrollic joints apparently they came back ok. He's since sent me for another MRI on the same points to check for AS. This is as far as I've got in the last couple of years. I only see the rheumatologist every 4 months I'm at my wits end.
My partner has had enough of me being down, the doctor can't put me on any meds for depression as the medicines reacts with the anti inflammatory I'm taking for the inflammation of the spine. I hit rock bottom two Fridays ago when my partner had finally had enough.
I moved back to my parents to give her some time and space. I'm just hurting myself as she's away this weekend with all my friends and racing team members at a race meet .I'm just left alone with a feeling if impending doom and anxiety.
I've never been so low. I love her so much. I just wish I'd had the help earlier before it came to this. Every time I talk to any NHS staff they say that is how it is nowadays expect long waits between appointments and shorter appointment times due to new government changes. Thank you all for listening. I need to vent.
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Karlosthesurgeon
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Wow you must have had to put up with some pain. No wonder you've had depression, most people would in your position I imagine. It's not over though. Don't give up & let it end like that. Fight. Get up & fight. Start some therapy to help with your mind set. You've had to do some sort of physical therapy to help mend your body, right? Well now do some to help your mind. Don't wait for the NHS. Google & find some therapists near you that could help & arrange an appointment. You may not find the right one straight away so keep looking. Book it, go to it, do the exercising the therapist/counsellor recommends. Tell your partner you are going to do this because you have neglected your mind but most importantly you have neglected her. Tell her you will fight for the relationship & fight to become the man you were, have been & could be again.
Don't you dare let her go without fighting with everything you have left in you. If you ever get to a point where you have nothing left, then bloody get & keep fighting anyway.
Thank you James. Mate I'm struggling with everything I can't stop crying. I have had an assessment by the as one team for my anxiety which is due to start soon I've never been anxious until all if this. I can't stop thinking the worst. Since I've been depressed I'd stepped up my alcohol in take to the point of either a bottle of wine or 4 odd beers a day. I've had a go at her when she's approached me over it. She's the only one constantly around, so I'm ashamed to say she has bore the brunt of some hurtful comments from me when I'm having a bad day. I'm so sick of clenching my jaw constantly wincing in uncomfort. My wages have gone down because I can't turn over near the amount I used to physically. I feel trapped with nothing to look forward to. I can't climb like I used to, I can't race sidecars anymore. I still have no painkillers. I feel so trapped. I want her back more than anything and currently find myself bombarding her with texts and turning myself into a pest. I hate what I have become..
Hi Karlos welcome to the site, Jimdon and Ava have given you great advice
And stuff to think about .
Cut out the booze and stop texting her. Start working on yourself and
Just take it day by day.
This is a very supportive Forum and we will tell it as it is, so maybe stick
Around here for a bit of support.
Hannah
Hi bud, then stop. Stop with all the texts. Don't think you must win her back by finding the right words in a text. You won't win her back today but you can make a start today so that you can win her back on some (not-to-distant) future date. The booze ain't your friend & will not help in getting her back so do yourself a favour & tell it to do one & f**k off.
Would you do anything to get her back? If you do the things you need to do to strengthen yourself & it hurts, the pain is justification that you are doing the right thing & the price you have to pay to get her back. Use the pain. Get angry, get motivated, get strong. You WILL NOT give in to this depression anymore. You WILL NOT give in to despair & keep texting her saying sorry all the time. You WILL NOT drink alcohol every day. You WILL get organised. You WILL contact a therapist by the end of the day. You WILL do any & all physical & mental exercises you need to do. Then you WILL have a chance of winning her back. The only way she will give you a chance is if she knows things will be different & not how they have been for the last few months/years. If you cannot show her that then you will lose her completely.
It is easy for me to sit here & try to motivate you & help you because I am not in the physical pain you are in. But I have been in the emotional/mental pain you are in. I know what it's like to give up & lose that best friend & lover in one go. I know what it's like to see her happy with someone else & get married to them. If you ever go through that I'd bet all the money in the world that pain would hurt you more than the physical pain.
By all means send her a text saying sorry for being a fool by taking your pain & frustration out on her, that you have booked a therapy session, and that you haven't given up on the relationship & you'll show her you will fight for it.
I hope I'm right in thinking that you needed a kick up the arse when you posted on here. I know I needed it a few years ago. I may not have initially listened or may have responded with anger (which is fine if you wish to) but it might have struck a chord if I was in the right frame of mind to listen. Which I am hoping you are in as you posted.
Hi karlos it's Ava. Gosh I really really feel for you listen I'm the same but my ex cheated on me so I don't want him back. But the depression has made it a 100times worse with meds etc it's horrendous. Trust me I ended up in hospital trying to end things and writing good bye letters to an unsupportive family a selfish sister and controlling dad and a mother who has been under dad's spell for 40years. I think you must stop texting her ok that's the first thing. Then it's about you and it's about small tiny steps ok. Ok the situation is what it is I say and we and we can change our way of thinking. If you have a bad day or many bad days so what. I've had 9 weeks of sheer hell trust me it's guard couldn't get out if bed leave the house. I'm on education but feel worse for it but hanging in there, I'm so tired but hanging in there. I know it all seems too much but take each day and hour slowly don't put pressure on yourself. What we are in we are in so why pressurise ourselves. Small steps sorry I'm not much help but I feel your pain.,..Ava x
Hi Ava, I just casted a net of anguish this morning and feel like I've wound in 3 friends already. Thanks all. I'll try to act on your words of wisdom. It's hard. I'm only 35, and have been really really active up until now. I've been a mountaineering instructor and rock climbing instructor. I used to climb to a very respectable grade on both rock and ice. I've trained many a good competent person within my industry and have worked hard to gain respect from those people. I used to enjoy long runs. I even used to be a great lover. But having such low self esteem. I'm struggling so. I'm frustrated with this body, which really compared to others isn't that bad. I'm just used to calling more from it than I get nowadays.
This'll make you all laugh.
During the week I was given the horn by an elderly disabled gent in his mobility scooter as I was walking too slow in front of him on the pavement. I turned round and smiled he was beaming from ear to ear. I'm but a shadow of my former self. They can't give me anything for depression or anxiety except increase my dosage of amitriptyline at night as all meds will effect the anti-inflammatories ( I think that's spelt right). I kind of question my doctor sometimes as quite often he's googling for ideas on meds. Once again just a small chat with you lot I'm quite uplifted. Thank you x
Hey that's fine. Your doctor googles ideas that doesn't sound very promising. That is funny about the mobility scooter. If your doctor cannot give any medication due to its interference how about counselling CBT( cognitive behavioural therapy) I had it last year and my work are paying privately for me. It's very very useful, as they actually try and change the way you think if that makes sense. You sound very versatile in what you do and don't be disheartened that your in this place, people say it will pass, only my journey seems a long one. I really recommend the counselling as an immediate aid. I've been on this forum about 2 weeks and have met some great people. Sometimes it just nice to know your not alone and your not honestly Ava x
I'm due to start CBD, I can't wait to turn round this mindset. That said I feel lighter on my feet today, I haven't started the day in tears. Maybe just maybe I might be on the way to a better place already.
I'd recommend being completely open & honest with the therapist. It can be difficult for us guys to do this especially with someone we've only just met. I was only able to do it because I felt that I had nothing to lose in doing so & that I only saw this person once a week for an hour & didn't see them at any other time in my life. So I could open up & then get the hell out of there if I felt embarrassed or bad. After a few sessions with the therapists help I realised I had subconsciously been doing the things she had suggested & more. It really helped for the penny to drop that I could & was working at getting better. No doubt you will have some difficult sessions but do stick with it. You know yourself that when exercising a muscle that at first it will hurt because the muscle has not been used in that way but over time it will become much stronger. It's the same with the mind. Exercise your mind in the session (at the gym, as it were) & then exercise it at home.
Don't be a stranger, if you need to vent or rant & rave or just chat we'll be here for you buddy.
Hi Karlos
That all sounds very difficult for you! You did well in developing your tree surgeon career and to have it damaged by an injury must have been disappointing and frustrating for you. I can understand how you struggled with pain and found that increasingly difficult to manage but it sounds as though you have felt let down by the medics in terms of getting the kind of rehabilitation that would have enabled you to get back into working without so much pain. I guess it has been difficult for you to contemplate a change in career although given your still young age that may be a necessary move, but you will not be ready for that while you are coping with so much.
Adjusting to an alteration in health is always difficult and when it involves coping with pain it is doubly difficult. It sounds as though Nancy also struggled to cope with the stress of that change. You say you are living apart at the moment - does that mean the relationship is over? I do think you should talk with her about how you have been feeling and how you still want to find a way to work things out with her. You might see a relationship counsellor together as that would enable you both to process your feelings about your health as well as about the relationship - Relate offer counselling and charge according to income. If you and she are able to work together and support each other then you are likely to feel less stressed and that may reduce your tiredness and aching.
The rheumatologist should be able to adapt your meds so that you can be on anti-depressants at the same time, I know several people who take both. You need to be referred back to them for a more urgent appointment especially as you feel your sight is deteriorating quickly, the rheumatologist should be able to check whether that is linked to inflammation and if so to advise or treat you appropriately. You might also ask your GP to refer you for a specialist physiotherapy assessment where they can look at how you might help reduce your pain levels and advise you about what is causing the different areas of pain. You should also be able to take painkillers that make the pain more manageable once a specialist has re-assessed you.
It sounds as though as a result of the injury your usually confident personality has been knocked back and that you have perhaps become more passive in relation to your medical care. Yes of course there are waiting times but that does not mean you should be left in pain in the meantime! I wonder whether you have explained clearly enough the extent of the physical pain you are in. Sadly whenever we mention depression GPs tend to assume we are exaggerating the level of pain we experience in relation to physical problems and while it is true that your state of mind will be making it more difficult for you to cope with pain that does not make the pain any less real.
You might ask the GP to refer you for counselling in order to help you to adjust to the change in your physical health and how you have felt about that. Talking things through with an experienced counsellor can be helpful in enabling us to move on from being stuck. CBT should help you to get more control over your emotions but you also need help in coming to terms with the physical changes in order that you can think about how to alter your life, particularly your working life, to take account of them - that is likely to be difficult for you to do alone as you made so much of your career and letting it go will be a loss and involve grief but may be necessary.
When you have begun working in CBT do write down the various issues briefly and see your GP to have them sorted out - you may not be able to leave all the pain behind but you should be able to get help to make it more manageable.
I think the other replies have addressed most issues, but I picked up on the medication. I'm not sure what anti inflammatory you're on, mine is Diclofenac (150mg daily), I also take 150mg of Sertraline - an anti depressant.
Maybe you can check if these would be suitable with your GP or surgeon. The best advice I've had from professionals over the last 2 years is: take care of yourself first - because if you don't - you can't care for anyone else. I mean that in the sense of you loving and sharing life with your partner. Hope the suggestions help. Take care.
Hi all I'm on 1000mg naproxen. 35mg amitriptyline per day. I've been to the physiotherapist for my hips. I'm due to start the CBT. But they want to be sure I can refrain from indulging before I undertake the sessions. So I've been referred to SPECTRA?. For alcohol and recreational drug (cannabis) abuse. I read the website it seems a bit harsh for me I've always drunk the same amount. I don't hide drinking, I don't keep a small hip flask or bottle of spirits about my person. I just like real ale and fine wine. I could go a couple of days without either. I just chose not too. I've been abusing alcohol rather than becoming an alcoholic.I had a eureka moment last night. After reading James post. I admit I was angry with myself. I phoned a good friend last night the guy I used to race with. He also angered me. No he pissed me off, told me how I need to get out and build bridges with me mates as I haven't seen much of them socially over the past four years blah blah blah and how unsupportive I was when he split from his partner last year. He didn't even let me know until 3 months after, but the truth is he lived a bit of a distance and it was always us that generally went to him. He called me today said sorry and asked me to come along to the next race meet with him stand tall. Told me I'm a great bloke.
I finished work early proceeded to the house I shared with my partner and started packing up all her stuff into boxes. I felt I'd empowered myself. Kicked myself into touch.
Yesterday she had an accident racing. And is in plaster waiting for an operation. I thought its gonna be 6 weeks. She's currently staying with her niece. My business partner is in a relationship with her niece. So he can put the boxes in his car each day at work and I'll keep going back each evening and filling the car, keeping the plants alive until the house is emptied and the keys handed back to the rental agent for the deadline of the 1st August. My folks have been brilliant throughout.
I'm in pain, very stiff down my spine. But today I felt I'd had the edge over it. I must continue to get out of this cycle. Be strong or it's gonna be painful and damaging. I haven't tried to make contact today. I haven't deleted her Facebook as advised
Hi Karlos
Well done on going to the docs & sorting out therapy, good man! Today was the first day in reclaiming your life back. You know you'll have good days & bad days but don't let the bad days win & put you back to how you were the other day. It's good that you got angry with yourself. I've found that when angry I can be very motivated & if I use it correctly I can sort things out.
If I could offer a little piece of advice? Be careful how you deal with sending your gf stuff to her. She'll be in pain & upset because of the racing accident. You know how that is, and although her injury isn't anyway near as bad or as serious as yours, she'll feel a little down. If you send her stuff round it could upset her more & it could make it difficult for you to reconcile later on. I would suggest taking the first few boxes personally & seeing how she is, perhaps take her a small gift as a gesture that your thinking of her. After she's told you about what's happened to her you can tell her about the meds/therapy & knocking the drinking on the head. She'll see you excitement in wanting to get better & she'll see over the next few weeks & months that your taking it serious
Hi karlos, your post has been really touching, take on day at a time, write down a list of all the blessings you have in your life and live for every moment. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but honestly you have the rest of your life, you must have such an interesting life and I can't begin to understand the pain you must be feeling, but I can only imagine! Be strong and think positively Nancy must love you and she will understand some day. My husband has only just come to terms that I have severe depression and it upsets him that he can't make me happy, even though he does. But you have to do it for yourself and I will try too!
Thanks Michele. I'll try to do just that. I don't feel I'm really inundated with blessings at the moment. I have a bit of a feeling of impending doom, like Eyor the donkey. A dark cloud of thoughts follows me wherever I go. I think yesterday was quite possibly the first day I've had without any tears. I just can't seem to clear my mind of negative thoughts. I wore Nancy down with this.
I'm trying to take each day as it comes now, bite size chunks, trying not to overwhelm myself with setting unattainable daily goals, which in turn leads me to become downhearted when I haven't achieved them all.
Well pleased to say I stopped my regular drinking. Replaced now with herbal tea and water.
After months, years of do you think you've has enough?. Are you going to finish that bottle?. Calm down with your drinking. I ignored it all. It was my way of dealing with the difficult decisions I may have to come to terms with in a few years to come. I feel low today. I miss my Nancy but it's all too soon for a reconciliation. I let both her and myself down.X
You are being brave and honest in facing up to things, so well done you! I'm not sure if you did it but I did try and use alcohol (though only small amounts) lto try and kill the pain as it is more instant than a tablet so that maybe why it got out of control for you when you had the injury?
However it lessens inhibitions unlike tablets and with some people can make them a bit gripey; so i'm pleased you've come off it and just stick to the tablets and the CBT and you'll have a clearer head.
Physical pain especially when your career is based on being active will have a massive impact. It will be a case of slowly coming to terms with the slightly different "you" which can be painful to accept when we have new limitations and at such a young age. However it will by no means be the end it will be just a slightly different turn on the road and quite often when our circumstances are changed we find new parts of ourselves which can sometimes come as a sort of blessing though one we would never have wished for.
I would go all out to improve your physical health as even with these problems it is possible to attain a level which you can cope with though you may need to change occupation and interests somewhat.
I have long term physical health problem which limits everything that I do and it is very frustrating as it is one of those ones that people can't see and I sometimes think that they think I'm exaggerating or something. However I have learned what my limits are and what I need to do. For me it is yoga and pilates everyday and not too much sitting or else my back seizes. Me too I have very stiff spine and cricky and cracky neck, hurts when I turn my neck. Have had this since about your age and now 56; I will never be the same as I was (not to say that you won't as we are all different) but I have attained most times a sort of "base level" of pain which I can normally cope with and when it flares up I go and see a physio for ultrasound and spinal mobility which seems to help too.
Best of luck and keep posting let us know how you're doing.
Hi Gemmalouise. I was told not to do Pilates as it's a bit of an impact session. I used to use the Osteopaths for many years until I was diagnosed. (I wouldn't be surprised if the damage to the disc in my neck was caused by a session trying to free a locked neck).
When I had my accident I was fortunate enough to have cover, so I was referred to a specialist Neurologist. A BUPA hospital overlooking Lords cricket ground in London. I was sent for all sorts of tests to ascertain where the nerve was actually severed before they went in and reattached, it was only surpossed to be a small L shaped 4" long incision just up from the inside of the elbow, I awoke with 38 staples from my arm pit to the inside of my elbow, my left arm resembling a pasty. I was mortified. I was told that where the nerve was severed and not feeding the bicep it had died back so they had to use some other nerves from the arm to re-attach.
There was no evidence of damage to the neck when I had an MRI to ascertain where the nerve was severed. Prior to the op.
The industry I work in is extremely manly, heavy, physical, dangerous work. It's nice to find this site. As really I can't talk to my colleagues about this sort of stuff, they just don't really understand how different I can be from one day to the next. It's good to have a vent and so far every bodies comments have been brilliant.
I have recently been considering Yoga. My X took some sessions last winter with a friend. Theytasked if I wanted to go but at the time. It was too cold and wet to even contemplate exposing myself to any more cold in the evening as I'd had to endure enough of it all day at work.
I'm contemplating the hot Yoga. Have you tried it and is it any good.
I'm looking forward to starting the CBT forthwith, but I've been referred to SPECTRUM in the mean time. I'm awaiting a letter any day now.
I have so many things buzzing around my head need to do's.
I am an honest person. I have no qualms with discussing anything. I look forward to the future with trepidation. But the whole picture and what I might have in store to look forward too scares me half to death.
Yes I have heard of "hot yoga" but not tried it as I find it very hard to exercise when I'm hot but I can see sort of how it could work. I don't find there is any impact in Pilates as it is very similar to yoga (if anything yoga is tougher) Pilates focusses more on strengthening the core to protect the back whereas yoga can tend to focus more on the hips I find. My hips are ok it is my back and neck which is the problem but I do both yoga and pilates and find the mixture very good. I avoid some exercises or do the very minimum. For example I find that back extensions do not help me and can cause further pain so I don't do them. It has been a case of trial and error with me. The instructor is used to be doing my own thing when the set exercises don't quite do it for me; there are others in the group the same and so we just work with knowing what our bodies can do. Instructors will vary of course; some yoga instructors can do stuff which is too intensive for me (eg "sun salutations" (again the bending backwards does not suit my back and can set off an acute attack) so I just avoid doing those things.
I have found exercising in water very beneficial. We have physio type of class in warm water at our local pool and I attend that also.
You are lucky to find Pilates suits you. The physio recommended it but with fibromyalgia I found just getting into the positions before doing any exercises ie lying on my side - was excrutiating and set off another bout of inflammation. I wrote about it on a support website for people with fibromyalgia and they all said it was agony for them. I think it's a matter of trying and seeing what helps as you said. I find the most useful thing is walking with other people because then I am distracted from pain and find I can go through it, then afterwards not be in pain which surprised me. x
Jim I wish I hadn't been so hasty in moving her stuff out, but I really have had little choice. We have to be out of the house by the 1st of next month. She's in plaster right wrist and right foot. And will continue to be once she's had her operation to plate her wrist for about 6 weeks. It's terribly testing packing her stuff. I'm struggling to feel happy and motivated today. Thanks for your advise
Don't view it as long term. It's a short term solution to a temporary fix. If she hasn't got room for all her stuff & you do you could always keep hold of some of it. That way she'll see you're not just throwing everything away & moving on from her? As I said it might be best if you took the first lot of boxes to her & explained the situation, otherwise it may come over as kicking her while she's down.
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Ava x
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