And here we are...

[shetech]

Well, I've never tried this sort of thing, so here we go....

I seem to be stuck in a whirlpool of self doubt and self criticism. Most days, I feel like a waste of a human being. I always did well in school and at university, but since then I feel like I don't know what I'm working for. In school it was "get good grades to go to a good university," then at university, it was "get good grades to get a good job" but now there are no more grades, and more importantly, no job. I was lucky enough to finish university with no student loans to pay back, and that should have given me a leg up. I interned at a good theatre company, and looked to have a job lined up there once I finished my internship.

However, I also lost my step mother to cancer that same year, and the tug of familial obligation pulled me back home to be there for my father, instead of focusing on my career. After all, family is everything right? returned home, began looking for work locally. Found employment, in my career field, within two months. wasn't making a lot but it felt good. things were going ok.

Got promoted at work. that should be a good sign. suddenly, I start taking on more and more responsibilities at work, but am not being compensated. so, working more, not making more. try and stick it out. slight raise, feel a little better. still part time but better. then, boss stops coming in regularly. so now, department is mainly my responsibility, but he gets his salaried income, they increase me again. a little happier, but ask for full time status. denied full time because over time hours aren't calculated into average hours worked every week. barely scraping by, living expenses increase, health expenses increase. pay not increasing. forgo needed health expenses. I;m not dying, it can wait.

Meet someone. makes me feel important. makes me feel wanted. loves me without "having to". feel great. he has financial issues. trying to help him. i'm doing ok. then, car wreck. no vehicle. have to rely on father for help. feels bad. I'm an adult I should be able to support myself. still neglecting health. still not dead, it can wait. things at work getting worse. more work, not fairly compensated. see colleagues leave and find success. they seem happy. i am not happy. I want to be happy. decide to leave. get car back, yay! square away debt. quit.

get job on weekends. not lots of money, but easy work. nice break from before. decide i shouldn't neglect my health anymore. go to doctors. LOTS of doctors. some stuff I knew, other i didn't. several auto-immune diseases. Body likes to attack itself. interesting, and slightly ironic. lots of doctor BILLS. NO JOB. SHIT.

and here we are...no job, lots of bills. no independence. living with boyfriend and his family.not sure about boyfriend. has some mental issues of his own. not sure what to do. dying seems nice. no more bills, no more doctors. don;t have family asking about my employment anymore. she did well in school, why isn't she doing well professionally? i can sell my car. cover existing bills. leave debt free. friends and family will be sad, i know. but i will no longer be a worry on their mind. they can concentrate on themselves. no more stress for me. no more pain. no more trying to make everyone happy.

Boyfriend knows i"m suicidal. has talked me out of some dark holes. but the ground is cracking, and he has his own issues to fix. Am i another burden he doesn't need. probably. Is he with me out of love or guilt? Does he stay to keep me from killing myself. maybe.

Don;t know how to talk to people about this. not an easy thing to bring up in polite conversation. and any extensive talk starts feeling like a whining session. boohoo. get over it. everyone has problems, learn to deal with your own shit.

so what do you do? what do you do when you feel so lost and alone, but talking about it to anyone just makes you feel like more of a burden? What do you do when recognizing a problem just makes a bigger problem? What do you do when you've been given plenty of opportunities to succeed, but fail. What do you do when you feel the cost of living outweighs the benefit of living. what do you do when you don;t know what to do?

[Hidden]

When I read what you have written I felt overwhelmingly burdened which is I guess how you feel. It sounds as though everything was so full of hope and optimism and now you are left wondering about it all, what's it about, will it ever change, will you get anywhere and perhaps more importantly what you want.

There seem to have been so many expectations upon you, from others and more importantly from yourself, and you lived up to them all but circumstances outside your control (the job market and then circumstances with your father) seemed to make it impossible for you to move forwards. But still you persisted, got work, enjoyed it, but were again were burdened by other people not making things easier for you. Now you wonder whether you are a burden for your boyfriend... it seems life is one long burden, with you wondering whether you are a burden for others although to me it sounds as if they are a burden for you as you constantly adapt to external demands. It sounds very hard to cope with, no wonder you find things difficult.

You say when you begin to talk about it all you feel you are whining but it's not whining to moan about how difficult things have been! It sounds as if you are still quite young yet stuck in terms of work, with your boyfriend and his parents when you doubt whether the relationship is good for him - and perhaps whether it is what you really want? You seem to feel he has rescued you over and over again and that you can't go on expecting more from him.

You talk about having lost your mum and I am wondering when that was. You say nothing about whether you grieved her loss, more importantly whether you were supported through the grief process. You talk about going back home to support your father. I wonder whether your parents supported you when you were young or whether inadvertently they set expectations for you to live up to which may have left you feeling that being who you really are - someone who yes is bright but also imperfect and in need of support - it sounds as if you always managed to 'come up with the goods' and in doing so that will have placed an enormous burden upon you.

The situation regarding your work is difficult - it sounds as if you are in theatre and that is a difficult area in which to get work even in the best of financial circumstances. I wonder whether you need to talk through with someone what your options are and whether you can move sideways or perhaps go on to further study? However the relationship with your boyfriend seems a priority. You say he has his own issues to fix and it's good that you do not seem to be feeling burdened by them but it is sad that you are feeling a burden to him as he is choosing to be with you.

You say you feel talking about it all is burdening the other (whining) as if you have no right to complain, but I do think you need an opportunity to talk things through with a professional because by doing that you can perhaps be helped to get some distance from the situation you are in. By talking through firstly the relationship - why you are in it and what you want from it - and then talking through what you would like your life to be like - may begin to think about how to move things in the direction you want.

Suex

[Hidden]

Hi again

I hope you are feeling a bit better as I can hear you felt quite desperate. I notice you haven't responded to my reply and wonder whether I got it wrong and misunderstood your situation? If you think it might be helpful do write again.

Suex

[shetech in reply to Hidden]

Hi suex, I just got back on, been trying to figure things out. Been talking with my boyfriend some, been thinking about options on work. Not all days are easy but I'm still here.

I appreciated your reply. In truth, I wrote just out of sheer desperation, like I needed to get it out. A journal in which no one I knew would find, but I could still get feedback from.

You initial assessment helps in that I don't feel guilty for having feelings now, which I supposed I never felt like I had the right to. Sort of a, if everyone else is crying I shouldn't, type of scenario. I know part of my current issue is that I've always been able to find a solution before, and now that one hasn't surfaced quickly, I find myself treading water. In my heart I know that all is not lost, and that there are still options open to me, but it is just frustrating not seeing the immediate solution.

In either case, thank you for taking the time to read, and genuinely try and help with your reply. Its nice to know that people can still look out for people, even if they're complete strangers.

Have a great day! I'll be on here and there.