I was a normal girl until I got married.

[charulata1]

I belong to very consevative family where girls are not allowed to speak their mind. I was normal and was doing good in school and college then my parents decided to get me married and I was just 21 to a guy they thought was good for me . And now my life has become misreble I cry every night and day its been 2 months and I am hating every bit of my marriage I hate my husband also and when I tell my parents they start crying, abuse me blackmails me emoyionaly that I brought shame on my family. Now I have nowhere to go I am not even independant wtfff. Why can't my mother just support me instead of creating more problems for me. It is my life so why can't I decide whom to spend it with. she dsnt love me because when I cry she gets irritated and never consols me. Please somebody help.

[Suzie40]

The downside of arranged marriages is that they don't always work out. I'm treading carefully here because I respect that it's an expectancy in many religions that parents will choose a husband for their daughters, but I can't help wondering how it can be successful.

You haven't said exactly how your life has become miserable, but if you are being hurt or abused, there are options you can take.

With respect, I don't think think it's right or fair that your parents are making you feel guilty by crying or trying to blackmail you. They are not the people who have to spend the next 50 years with him.

[charulata1 in reply to Suzie40]

After my marriage I moved in with him and his parents and now my work in this house is to look after everybody cook food and produce kids. This is what I am expected to do and when I refuse to have sex with my husband he gets angry and complains to his mom who then makes me work more in the kitchen. I am an educted girl and when I see myself doing all this and too for a guy who just wants to sleep with me and traets me like an object I lose it completely. I think I am going to lose my mind as well. Since I am all alone in this.

[Hidden in reply to charulata1]

What would happen if you were to leave?

[jolive10]

I know leaving might mean that your family disowns you, but you need to think about you right now. To put it bluntly, you are supposed to be a maid/servant/sex object. They do not respect you, and unfortunately this happens far too often. Im not sure if this will help, but think about the children they want you to produce. Do you want your daughter being treated the same way you have been, or your son to learn that it is ok to treat women this way? Children usually seem to put things into perspective.

[Hidden]

Hi

It sounds like you had an arranged marriage and although sometimes they can work really well for you it sounds as though for you it hasn't. You are in a difficult position in that although you are unhappy your family will not support you. Sadly there is little anyone can do about that because your family have their cultural views, they will think what they did was right for you and expect you to agree. It is unlikely that you will be able to change their views which are part of their cultural values.

That leaves you with a difficult choice. If you decide to leave your husband you will have to find a way without help from your family and at the same time you risk losing them for good.

You do not say whether your husband has done particular things to make you hate him or whether you hate him because he is not someone you would have chosen for yourself. I wonder whether there is someone you might talk with apart from your parents but within your community as a first step? Sometimes it is possible to alter our feelings about someone when we see things differently so if you feel that is a possibility then do try that first. However if you feel your husband is someone you simply do not ever want to be married to then you need to come to terms with either staying in that situation of leaving the marriage and perhaps also your community.

Leaving without the support of your family and community will not be easy. The practicalities of finding somewhere to go will be difficult and it will continue to be difficult to be without your family. Do you have anyone you could go to? I don't know whether there may be any organisations within the area where you live, the city or town, which might support you in leaving as although there are organisations that help women who are unhappy in arranged marriages I do not know specific ones. There may be a risk of harm coming to you either from your family or from someone in your extended family or community, as sometimes going against an arranged marriage can trigger that kind of response.

You do not say whether you have any children, or work. If you work then would you be able to support yourself financially? If not then could you get further qualifications and work towards being able to do that in the future? I spent many years in an unhappy marriage knowing I would be leaving eventually and meanwhile getting qualified as a teacher so I could take out a mortgage in my own name. If you were earning reasonably well you would have financial independence. I see in your later post that you are educated but expected to be a skivvy for your in-laws and husband. Are you sufficiently educated to earn enough to provide for yourself?

Try not to find a way out by becoming involved in another relationship if you can - that seldom works out and is likely to raise antagonism from your family and community which could be more difficult for you. Also remember to be careful about who you speak with about your situation as you need to protect yourself from harm. I agree with Lucy that if you are being hurt or abused - being forced to have sex with someone may be abusive depending upon the degree of force - then you might seek help from one of the organisations aimed at supporting women in situations of domestic violence - but take care that it is outside your own immediate culture otherwise things may escalate into violence which can happen sometimes in situations such as yours.

I am sorry that I cannot be of more help. Leaving an arranged marriage is a complex situation and it is sad that you are enlightened but part of a culture that has different norms to your own.

Suex