A strange "high", resembling bipolar disorder: musings of a person on the up...

[Sapphire3]

Just thinking about how dark things are right now. I'm so far from where I want to be, I'm so different from the person I want to be - I'm in the same rut I was three years ago, same fecking problems, keep taking on the same type of bloody people - and I wonder why I seem to be in some crappy abyss. From now, I will be breaking patterns, not making the same mistakes. This time next year I will be back to the Saf people used to know 8 years ago - the happy-go-lucky, chill, smiley, kinda girl. My aims are not difficult to reach with a year, it's just I've been too broken to get off my ass and change anything. I'm worth so much more than what my life is right now.

My goals for the year:-

Lose 5 stone

Do my uni work and do it well

Get a job

Get up before midday EVERY DAY

Make sure I'm doing something productive with my every waking hour*

Get ambitious and follow my ambitions

Take back the strong sense of identity I used to have

*whether that be uni work, going to a job, working on a project such as creative writing, or even socialising and developing social skills and friendships again

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I wrote this earlier, in the early hours of the morning. I thought I was just having a positive mood. Oh, no. This is one of my highs, that can sometimes cause more trouble than the lows. At least now I'm starting to recognise my patterns. But how do I know what's right and what's wrong? Because I can't justify stopping myself from being productive just for fear of making rash decisions or doing silly things.

I know this is more than just a positive mood because I'm still awake, despite being so tired I can see the curtains moving in the corner of my eye, only to turn around and see that they're not moving at all. I've tidied my room for the first time in weeks, I've got all my make-up and stuff out, I have a massive schedule for the day, I'm considering breaking up with my boyfriend in order to get myself together and get ambitious. I feel like I don't need him, or anyone. This is out of character for me, since I have such a dependent personality. But it does happen now and again, and when it does, I probably do things for the best, but it only ends up being damaging when I go back to my normal, down, dependent self, that needs the person they've now thrown away.

I needed to write, because this doesn't happen very often but when it does it's bittersweet because I always do something in these periods that leaves me lost later on. Also, they never last very long, so I never complete anything

Oh my days, I'm absolutely buzzing, I'm even typing really fast.

Part of me's like "I need me more of this", the other part of me's like "this is far too good to last".

[Hidden]

Hello

Just be yourself, you do not need to change especially the good things. Look at your life as a challenge, when you are young the whole thing of living seems cluttered by actions you would prefer not to take.

The problem with that is we need to take time with decisions that will effect us later on through life

Believe me when we get older many things seem to fall into place, although life will always throw the odd Googley.that will hit us in the face

Just get through your studies as soon as you can, relationships are best put on a back burner as both problems are counter productive, try and simplify your life. You have plenty of time to plan after Uni. with personal life choices.

You need to have at least one night a week to go out with friends, remember do not take that time to serious, that is time to enjoy, and have time to relax the brain.

You do not need to complicate matters

All the best

BOB

[wallflower_fairy]

Hi Sapphire

Wow. From the few posts I've seen of you it looks like we're in a really similar position. I'm going back to uni tonight, and I'm quite apprehensive about it. I feel like I too, am set apart from the person I want to be and, at uni, people don't really know the real 'me' for all the problems getting in the way. I wish I was 5 stone lighter - maybe then I wouldn't feel so self conscious about cooking or eating in front of my flatmates (which I avoid doing at most costs). And a lot of the time I'm pretty lonely there and feel quite dependent and vulnerable. I often ring my mum over the phone, but the walls are thin in my room so I don't get much privacy. I don't have a boyfriend and the few friends I have, I feel, have people who they consider are better friends than me.

But anyway, enough about me. Firstly, it's good that you're starting to understand the signs and pattern of a high. Try to pay attention to what intensifies this high, and what calms you down.

Do the people at uni know about your bi polar disorder? They should be able to assist in helping you find ways of managing it. Secondly, you say you're stuck in a rut and you don't feel you're where you want to be, but (and I should probably take my own advice), be proud of the fact that you're at university - it's quite an achievement you know!

Finally, your goals. I think it's great that you've got some aims in mind. But, perhaps you could alter or break them down to make them easier to achieve. Maybe it's not feasible to follow them all verbatim.

For example, what's the state of you're sleeping pattern at the moment? If you're getting up far beyond the afternoon - you might find it a shock to the system if start getting up too early everyday - it's a better idea to do it gradually, go to bed 15 mins earlier, and get up 15 mins earlier - than the day before. Until you find yourself at a suitable sleeping pattern. To begin with, your limit could be, not getting up later than 12. Similarly, you can't just get a job like that (clicks fingers), so you might feel yourself getting inpatient if you're looking to have this straight away - maybe, instead you should say 'I hope to have a job by the summer'. Don't take using time productively too literally either. Sometimes, we can't function so well (meaning we're not as productive), and need a break, remember we are animals.

Message me whenever.

(((hugs)))

wanderingwallflower xx

[gardengnome]

gosh sounds so familiar, i had so much energy on sunday, making lots of plans for getting things done during the week, but that evaporated by monday.

I think on sunday i was going at a frantic pace because i knew i was due for a dip, the high times can give me a great feeling, but i would give anything to be ''middle -of -the-road, and know i could stay level headed, and trust myself, and not have the miseries either,

I have an amarican indian relaxation c.d, in one slot it has the narrator talk about waiting a day, and then another day before undertaking a journey , which really speaks to me, a different way of saying--- act in haste--- regret at leisure. A good approach to take when high.

[bananabread]

Hi Sapphire, I know this probably sounds silly but when I feel like i should be productive I get really panicky and i feel like my brain just gives up and shuts off, so now when that happens I just try to call it a 'write off' day. Everyone has them, and if you can find a way of keeping your mind active (I read or bake or crochet) without feeling guilty then that is an achievement (sometimes the pattern will go wrong or ill make a horrible dense loaf but at least i feel ive tried). Im 27 and have always struggled with guilt and feeling like im behind on everything, and have tried various medications for depression and anxiety. For me, I stopped taking them over christmas and it was hard but i feel much clearer now, like im the one controlling this for a change. You should do whatever it is that makes you feel a little bit happy or relaxed, and dont feel bad about it. Even 10 minutes of peace will make a difference, for me it helps cos when i get wound up i remember that i can feel peaceful but i dont right now. I dont think i get extreme highs but i do have inspired days and apathetic days, i think thats just human nature and as people who think and worry we assume this is out of place and try to fix it. I agree with gardengnome tho, there are very few things you can change instantly that will have any positive impact on your life and taking a day or so to think about it (for me) helps me put it in place with other emotions rather than just excitement. I dont know if that helps at all, but as always we are always here and always interested.