So today I had to go to University. I had no choice, my attendance level is so low, and after I spoke to my personal tutor last week about the problems I'm having that didn't go too well, so I'm basically trying to convince her I'm okay so she doesn't kick me out of the course. I have two seminars today, I've been to the first which was 10-11, I found it really hard and couldn't concentrate on anything. I was watching the clock all the time to wait for it to finish.
I'm now in the library waiting for my next class at 1. Its 1.5 hours, I really don;t think I can sit through it. I'm trying so hard not to just go home. I feel completely stuck in this library; I know I NEED to go to this next class, but my head is fuzzy and I just want to run away. I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep and not wake up.
I have to carry my supply of 150 paracetamol with me just so that I know I have a way out, and have some control at all times, even if I don't plan on doing anything right away. Last night I had to sleep with the tablet bottle in my hand, otherwise I couldn't sleep at all.
I'm so stuck. Basically trapped. I have another hour and 15 minutes until class, stuck on this campus, unable to do anything, its actual hell. Once I get to class, I could leave after 20 minutes because of 'illness', as long as I get my attendance mark. At the moment that's what I plan to do, but I'm finding staying here so hard. If I run away I'll be in trouble. But that sounds like heaven at the moment.
Hi, Firstly have you seen your GP? You will not be kicked off the course if you have medical evidence that you are unwell. Secondly have you contacted the student services counselling service? They tend to be good at supporting students through difficult times. Suexx
Not today, no. I really don't think my GP can help, I've been passed onto home treatment team now, who are my first port of call. I am with student counselling services, but since my situations got more severe they are ow 'taking a step back' and monitoring the situation until it improves, rather than actively helping. I'd phone my home team, but the number is at home, not here with me! And my phone just ran out of charge, so I can't even meet up with a housemate on campus for a bit. I feel so stuck.
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From your comment about not even having your phone with you at Uni it sounds as though you feel panicky about how awful you are feeling and that it feels too much to be struggling with being at Uni but that you feel the conflict of fearing you will be kicked off the course if you don't go in. You say you have the home care team involved which suggests you have quite a serious mental health issue right now and I wonder whether by trying to continue on the course when you are finding it so impossible you may be avoiding becoming worse mentally? You do not say whether you have had a diagnosis nor whether your difficult mental state is the result of specific circumstances or has built up over time, nor whether student counselling have said they are taking a step back for the reasons you think or whether that's just your opinion. Usually they would either support you fully or suggest it was beyond their scope, so I wonder what they have actually said to you.
I do think that if you are not finding the home care team's involvement sufficient support you should explain that to your GP. He may not be in a position to offer further help but it is important that he knows the situation. It sounds as if you are frightened of breaking down and are trying to hold things together but finding that increasingly difficult. You may be frightened that if you let yourself feel as bad as you fear you would then you would not be able to pick up again and that is a common fear although ironically fighting feelings usually does more harm than good - easy to say I know, but you may need to accept that at this point you are not well enough to attend Uni and that you need time out and more support for your mental health problem.
I wonder whether it would also be a good idea to ask the course tutor if you can defer until next year, that would give you time to get your head together with help. I know it sounds drastic but if your attendance is already very low then unless you are proactive in taking some control of the situation the Uni may suggest that anyway.
hi guess I can understand needing the tablet bottle as a kind of comfort blanket. Won't tell you to chuck them because there is always more at another chemist. But on the other hand it is just as good a reason to get rid of the bottle for now, as they are easy enough to get more..Why decide on the number 150? Guess my comfort blankets are my old fashioned herb books which helpfully say which ones lead on to coma etc.. Though don't expect to draw on that knowledge for many years to come, perhaps when I've done all the things i wanted to do in life and when my body won't die off when i get to be ancient, and i expect when it comes to it, i will find another reason to keep ploughing on through life.
Right now if a flippin great jumbo jet were about to obliterate me i would just be really really really cross, quite annoyed at the trivial stuff --- like missing the next series of doctor who, or thinking that everyone would see the state of my messy house. or not ever seeing my young nieces playing again.
For so called ''normals'' it is also those everyday things that they would miss that mean normals drive safely, or don't take other life-threatening risks.
You mentioned in your other posting about not having a purpose in life? You plan to do a medicine related degree, would that lead on to carrying out research, or going into clinical practise? it might seem an impossible goal now, though if your aim when you choose to go down the academic path was to help other people, there are less academic ways to do that.
well I'm going to be good to myself and get a better nights sleep, so goodnight, guess taking care of ourselves is made up of those little things like a few extra minutes sleep, taking a shower or eating some veg.
Be patient with yourself, take care of the little things that make life that little bit better.
Ooh hunny i really do feel for you I can understand exactly what your going through .. Have you been to the doctors ? Those thoughts what you are having I get them all the time ,. I so hard to deal with please go to the gp they might be able to help the thoughts x
Hi there Lilly, as someone who went through a similar phase at university fairly recently, I can definitely sympathise with your situation. I can't decipher what the cause of your anxiety is from your statement, perhaps just the overwhelming nature of university in general? It can be hard if you're living away from home and not fortunate enough to have a good support circle around you in a new place. You may feel isolated and demotivated to work hard. But ultimately. In my opinion - at this point, your mental well being is what should come first, then your degree. It sucks that your options for professional help seem to be a little unethusiastic about your situation, perhaps switch to another GP?
Maybe also try and join some clubs and societies like I did at uni. That really helped release the feeling of loneliness for me when I was at uni. Really hope I helped somehow, feel free to contact me if u need anything else.
Hi Lilly, I have posted on your "hospitalisation" thread as that is sort of the start of your story on here.
I know you have home treatment at the moment.
Just to repeat what I put on there (please read it), I agree with the post above, extreme anxiety can definately cause depression and yes suicidal thoughts. Your college cause may be indeed the "icing on the cake" in terms of your anxiety and the very high expectations you have of yourself. The thoughts you have about yourself at the moment are INCORRECT, not because you are stupid, anything but, but because the anxiety that part of you is feeling is causing you to come to these conclusions as you are not getting the love you need. That does not mean you will never get it or that you don't deserve it or that you are a mistake. That is your mind doing the best it can to work things out but coming to the incorrect conclusion.
As i said on the other post A baby is not born bad. I believed I was bad for more than 40 years due to the same thought processes you are experiencing, but I now know that to be a lie. Yes genetically you are half your mum and half your dad but every combination of sperm and egg produces a new unique individual so you are not actually "Damned" as i thought I was as you are really both of them but neither of them. Nobody can be you but you.
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