A very constrained and overdue introduction amidst the ills of an insidious introspection...

[Seumas7]

Greetings folks, I finally feel faintly triumphant enough to type something that could be at least comprehended by my nihilistic noggin alone - whether you shall feel triumphant enough to trade in your time for such a turgid self-indulgent testimony - I shall let you be the judge of that!

I've been in my own relative depths of an ailment that seems rather difficult to determine or treat but still appears to pose many limitations on my otherwise functioning body.

I have found myself without a job for the last two years due to alternating issues of anxiety and depression and have basically tried to not think of this pressing reality but it has encompassed almost every aspect of my life. I have very little interest in doing anything or going anywhere despite the realisation that this mode of behaviour could be a primary factor in exacerbating my problems.

I have never been the most social of people but now in my thirties it feels overwhelming how solitary an existence I have lived.

I was always dubious about whether I had depression or not and was generally quite skeptical about the over-medicalisation of the condition but recently I feel like I have come up against an insurmountable wall whereby exercise, meditation and diet do not seem to have the incentive they once had.

I tried two SSRIs in the past - fluoxetine and citalopram at 20mg for six weeks but did not notice any discernible difference though many speak of the placebo effect and since I had my doubts about pharmaceuticals that may have had some bearing on the results.

I did self-medicalise with amphetamine-like recreational drugs earlier last year that worked up to a point but in the long run they probably just made matters worse.

I am pretty much losing the confidence in any drugs but I really only needed something as a catalyst or gateway into a healthy routine as doubts, lack of energy and motivation have put the brakes on an active approach.

Most days I sleep poorly, wake up feeling foggy and lethargic and have issues with concentration, problem solving and motivation.

When I am at my worst I barely move, eat and cannot think coherently nor talk at length - the thought of suicide then flickers every so often, particularly just wandering off to the hills and leaving myself to perish slowly by hypothermia.

A compounding factor in my dilemma seems that whenever I see a doctor I appear very articulate and insightful thus I pretty much explain myself away and end up in a Catch-22 situation (too rational to be mentally unwell) - I think that may be partly due to the fact I think the doctor may be in disbelief about the gravity of my situation and that I am probably not comfortable with the prospect of having an unsound mind.

Since this has been a means for me to let out and exercise some language butchery to an anonymous or non-existent audience I shall stop abruptly like the whims of my mood!

[ruby4me]

Hi Seumas how very articulate you are in describing your feelings! I was in the very same place as you for six months last year and it was hell. I too felt like giving up and contemplated suicide, I put my faith in medication and combined with a few other changes in my life I managed to get through it. It wasn't easy though and although I've suffered all my adult life with depression the last bout was my worst ever and has made me even more determined never to let myself get so low again I feel it has made me stronger as a person, what I'm really trying to say is don't give up as I know you will recover! Good luck and big hugs xx

Ruby

[Hidden]

Hi

I can identify with so much of what you write although I do also have some different feelings, in that because I had a breakdown as a child I also have always had overwhelming emotion to cope with. A long period of therapy has enabled some degree of integration between my head and heart.

I think you are accurate in your own assessment of how you cope, in that being over-rational has been your way of coping and one you have experienced for so long that it's part of your personality. However you do also have the part of you that feels and is struggling, and ironically that may be the healthiest part of you!

I wonder whether you have any emotional support from anyone? You say you have been lonely most of your life and I can identify so strongly with that - when I look back on how isolated I have felt and actually been emotionally for much of my life - how few friends I have had at any time - I wonder how I coped with becoming a relatively normal and relatively healthy human being, but we are resilient and I did survive as you have.

It sounds as though things are catching up for you in that your usual ways of coping with feelings are no longer working as well as they did and that can be really scary. I imagine you need a supportive relationship with someone who you can learn to trust and with whom you can allow yourself to stay with the really difficult feelings without escaping into rationalising about them. If you seek professional help within the NHS the likelihood is that you will be offered 6 weeks of CBT or similar and although in the immediate short term that may enable you to feel better the irony is that in the long term it is likely to make things worse in that it will not actually deal with the underlying feelings.

My guess is that you have felt despair for long periods of your life due to the social isolation you have experienced but that in the past you were able to deal with the feelings rationally but that now you are not. If I am right then it may be that the best thing for you is to simply allow yourself to feel the extent of your despair and share those feelings. Doing that will in time ease them, the more you share how you have felt, your life story, the more you will connect emotionally with other people, and although it will not be easy and not result in any miracle cure it will give you the potential for making your future different from your past. We all need relationships and being isolated is painful and is depressing, so what you feel is a natural response. Perhaps that's why meds only provide a short term solution. I wonder whether you can ask your GP to refer you for some psychotherapy so that you have a chance to talk about how lonely you have felt for much of your life? Also you might join the local branch of Mind, our local branch has an allotment where people help out and has some social activities. You might volunteer to be-friend someone which help you emotionally too. There are no easy answers, it's a matter of coming to terms with your life as it has been and asking yourself whether you want it to be different and if so in what ways, then making some kind of moves towards changing things. Do you want more relationships and if so what might you do to find them? Do you want a job, if so what kind and what might you do to help you to move towards that kind of work? You could use the website to explore your ideas, and we will all support you as best we can.

Suexx

[Hidden]

Hi again

An afterthought - how about taking to your GP what you have written on the website and explaining that's why you need to talk to someone about the way you cope.

Suexx

[Hidden]

Hello BOB here

Depression acts as a large circle that you travel round and round, unable to break through to a life that you see on the other side, The secret is looking towards a weakness in that repetition. Like here you are talking to people who experience the problems you are suffering from.

Now you need to make that dash and expand that this crack in the circle and prise it open even more. Look for that interest that you would love to do.Make little chips and the opening bigger.so you can control that negativity.

The main problem that many have is beating ourselves over the head on what is going on around us, your negative feelings make these problems self fulfilling.

Have you had a CPN who can assist you on that opening, have words with your doctor, He should be able to make this appointment.

You seem to be lacking in confidence so you need someone to fight with you in your corner.so you will. take on these

and lighten the load that you are feeling now

In our 30/40 Many suffer negative thoughts, I went through the same and it is all so counterproductive, we need positive, sometimes it takes a while to open up that parcel

All the best, good hunting

BOB .