And I'm back from Swindon, and the lovely Magic Roundabout...
Weekend away was good, on the whole. Saturday morning when I had to go in and register for the convention I was at and find my team for the weekend, I froze up, and it took me an age to get through the anxiety and go in, but I did. I didn't go to all the events and activities, but I was pleased with myself for the amount that I did go to. Also contributed and talked to people more than I thought I would - when we had to put together a two minute play using a bunch of pre-set criteria, I wrote our team's one. I'm normally far too shy to do that.
Then, as I was waiting around the lobby to go home, I had a strange moment. I was booked on a specific train so was just killing time until I had to leave for the station, and thinking back over the weekend. And suddenly out of nowhere I just felt tired of being alive. Just utterly fed up of every day becoming a mission to force myself to do things, of constantly telling my brain to shut up, and of constantly feeling like everything I do has no worth to it. I felt like I wanted to just get up and walk out the lobby, but I didn't want to go home either...I just wanted to be somewhere, anywhere where I didn't have to deal with this every day. It wasn't suicidal, because I didn't want to die, it just felt like this was going to be my life forever and I felt exhausted at the thought of it and didn't want to go through with it.
And from that, today I've crashed massively, I felt worse than I have in a long time. Until 4 this afternoon I'd only been out of my bedroom to shower. I hadn't had anything to drink, I'd eaten a box of muffins only because they were in my room, and was huddled in bed reading because the plot distracted my mind from feeling awful. At 4 I did summon the will to go outdoors and down to the shops though. Felt horrible being out of my room, but I think it helped, I have felt gradually better this evening.
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ThemysciraDrive
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Hi There, First of all WOW!!!!!! the roundabout looks un-real, that would have been enough to send me flying home I can tell you.
Well done for doing all you did at the convention must have took some courage to stick at it.
Sorry you felt the way you did after, it's a strange feeling not wanting to be here there or any where, and sometimes the best place to be is in bed.
Glad you managed to get to the shops and I hope you got something to eat and drink.
glad you are starting to feel better, hope the night has been okay.
Thanks for the kind words Gardener, today has been better - looks like just a one-off crash thankfully. The roundabout is mad, the traffic actually goes round the central bit the wrong way!
I know that feeling exactly as you describe it. And it's happening to me more and more lately. I'm on a fairly high dose of anti depressant and for the most part it controls my depression pretty well. However, at any given moment I can suddenly plummet. In the morning I can be ok, the day goes as planned and then suddenly I crash and feel awful. And I never know what has caused if. I plan to chat to my GP about it tomorrow x
Well I talked to her about it, and I don't think she really knew what to say. She doesn't claim to be an expert on depression, but she's very efficient in seeking advice from the right people. She said it would be interesting to explore whether there are similarities in circumstances around the times where I plummet for no reason. She is going to speak to the Psych Nurse tomorrow and I'm seeing her again in a couple of weeks x
I find that I'm prone to a plunge in mood after a good time. What was your convention? In had four days on Digital Imaging last week. I remember that roundabout when I was on a coach trip!
It was the Fforde Ffiesta! A weekend of generally doing stupid and pointless things themed around the novels of Jasper Fforde. Just for the fun of it. How was the Digital Imaging?
Aw hen, you sound like you're in a deep dark hole of depression.. I really hope you've managed to climb your way back out it a wee bit, coz that sounds just about as bad as it gets..
Well done for having the shower and going to the shop though!!
I know they're only small simple things to most people, but I know how much effort and time to work yourself up to actually go and do it it takes, so be proud of yourself for achieving that!
Aw thanks for the kind words Holly, it's really not that bad! Just a very low day. I know a bit more about depression these days, a while ago I would have beaten myself up over laying in bed all day, but I know not to now
I know what you mean about small simple things - so hard to explain to other people that sometimes those things can feel like a major achievement.
It sounded like one of those days that are pretty bad... The only good thing is, you always know it will get better again, and you'll just have to take the good with the bad..
But I really felt it for you when I read that post, coz I know how it feels and its not the most pleasant feeling in the world!
I'd rather have a severe chestinfection or a really bad case of the flu!!
Hi sorry you are feeling bad. I have often been like that, in bed, miserable and feeling bad about lying in bed. At least you went at weekend Nd did something . Praise yourself for going. We are very hard o. Ourselves, we forget weare. Suffering from Depression. Tomorrow is a new day so sleep well and don't beat yourself up
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