I'm struggling in my battle with Severe Depression. I'm losing this fight. I'm tired...God Knows...I'm so tired.

[DaisyFlowerz]

The kids are away on vacation. They have gone to be with their grandmother and the rest of our family in California. I miss them terribly already. I let them go although I know my condition will worsen when they are not around. Did I make a mistake? I am not a selfish person; even through my depression. I want my kids to be happy too...and they miss the family terribly while we are away from the States. My husband is at work for 9 hours...but breaks halfway though on most days, and comes home to have lunch with me.

Being home alone gives me too much time to think. Why have I been thinking about the entire course of my life...as if these will be my last days? I can't stop reflecting....but I will discuss this later....as I don't feel I fully understand my own feelings concerning the issue at this time.

The house is quiet, except for the sound of the TV, and one of my three neighbours mowing their lawns. Lunch...which we call dinner, is prepared as the biggest meal of the day at noon time. It makes sense to eat that way...since we have another 8 to 10 hours to burn it off...depending on what time one goes to bed. Today we had Rice covered with Red Kidney beans, fried chicken, and cold slaw. I was having a good day. He loves the way I cook. I prepare meals from scratch...99% of the times. However, my husband never complains no matter what I cook, but is concerned about my sadness.

For dinner its something simple...a cup of tea or coffee....and the last meal of the day here is called "TEA". For tea we have things like bread/bun and cheese, maybe some salami or eggs. I sometimes work up an appetite for lunch, and I want nothing more than to go back to bed. When late evening comes he comes home sometimes in a good mood, but usually with a story to tell about work. He has worked hard, and worked up an appetite. I have no appetite and would rather stay in bed, but he forces me to have "Tea" with him. I prepare it, and we used to all sit at the table and have great conversations about government, religion, LGBT community and what new law is being passed, and what celebrity did what. Now, he does all the talking and I just listen. The children are gone and I don't have much to say.

Tonight at Tea slapped him. I didn't do it out of anger or rage. I was in a playful mood. He snapped and yelled at me. I apologized. He asked me to never do it again...I snapped...and told him I realize now that he didn't like it and I wouldn't do it ever again. A part of the reason I did it is because when we wrestle or have foreplay he doesn't seem to mind...he actually likes it. So, that was a sudden change for me...and now, I'm just sitting up wondering what to do with these feelings that has developed inside me.

I feel lost, sometimes I feel as if I don't really know him. I got up from the table and he gently grabbed me by my arm...and asked me not to do the "quiet thing". Yes, the quiet thing is horrible, especially since the kids are not here with us. I told him I was fine, and I was just trying to hear the TV from the bedroom. I made up that excuse, but he wasn't buying. I proceeded to the kitchen sink and begun to do the dishes. He asked me if I could please speak to him. I told him I'm ok, and that he knows how 'weird' I am. He chuckled at that, but I was very serious. I cannot manage my emotions, and he knows I have no control over them. I have been off my meds for over 9 months now...and he knows this is 'me'. I'm over-emotional, anxious, no middle moods....just very low and somewhat high.

Also, what I haven't been telling him is about the mini panic attacks, my racing heart rate, my sleeplessness, my anxieties, my insecurities from being alone, and my deep desire to just die. And I rather die than to go back on Anti-Depressants. Perhaps, he is the one that doesn't really know me. He said he wanted his sparkly, bubbly Desi back, and that he would give me some time. I don't know how to have a simple disagreement without falling into an even deeper, darker pit of depression. I don't know how to bounce back. I don't know how to tell him I'm falling apart. The thing is, we never fight, we never argue...but when we do...once in a blue moon....I don't know how to handle it.

He is counting on me to be well, without the meds. We have been trying to have a baby... I will not conceive if I have those stupid, aggravating, anti-depressants in me so that the baby can be born addicted to them. Maybe I'm not the one to give him a child. My two girls are not his biologically, but no one can tell him other wise. And for them...he is daddy! They are his girls and nothing will ever change that...but he wants more....starting with a son....and then as many as we can have. I want that too....but I'm so messed up...all I want to do is die some days. I have Sleep Apnea, Severe Depression and Anxiety, Prehypertension and I'm Hypoglycaemic. What the hell am I good for? He deserves better. Perhaps, I should leave before he leaves me!!

He is laying down in bed, and I love to watch him sleep. His face is so beautiful for a man's. His eyes are gently like his nature. He sleeps without a shirt and with just his boxers...and no matter how hot it is...he pulls a cover over us both...and he holds me thru the night. He kisses me when he wakes up in the morning.... every morning....on the lips...and I pull the cover over my own lips and say good morning. It doesn't matter to him that I haven't brushed my teeth yet. He tells me that I wake up beautiful so I should never wear make-up. He says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. He sends me a text message and tells me he loves me....at least once a day. And I think to myself... "What a Blessing....What a Loving man.... How did I end up with this one...He is a protector and a provider....so charming, handsome, honest and devoted?"

When the children are gone...perhaps to college I should leave. The younger one is 11...maybe we won't have any more...and I can just leave him....so he can find the happiness he deserves with someone else. I am sucking the life out of him. It's not fair....he deserves better!!! Much better....I'm tired...so tired of feeling and fighting this. I'm so tired. Can't do it any more.

[knowles8586]

You are so lucky to have a kind man, antidepressants may help, I think there is one you can take even if you get pregnant

Do you feel lonely because that is what is making my depression hell at the moment. Im dreading the winter months as it gets worse.

I think I need some therapy but that is never easy to find

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to knowles8586]

Knowles,

Thank you for your show of concern. I was on anti-depressants...and I hated what it did to me...all the side effects....of the few I used over the years. I will never take another. Hence, the reason I am losing this battle.

I don't feel lonely with a husband like mine. I do feel lonely in my daily struggles with depression. My husband is pretty mentally stable, and says he doesn't recalls ever feeling even a bit depressed, except for when his dear Aunt died. I am glad you mentioned to me there is something I can take. I was told by a doctor in the US, in Southern California, to be more specific, that there was nothing for me to be on that would cause any type of negative effect on the baby while I'm pregnant or breastfeeding. Perhaps, its time to seek a second opinion. thanks for that info.

My depression roots back to my childhood, I believe, and established from psycho therapy. I was sexually abused, as far back as I can remember. My earliest memory is as young 4 years old. This carried on until I was 16 years old. I've virtually been depressed all my life. It's safe to safe I don't know what it's like to not be depressed. I am hoping for that day I can feel "normal" inside my own head and body.

You mentioned the winter months get worse. I can sympathize with you there. Dark, gloomy days are painted with a depression brush....and there is no escape. I sometimes sleep with the light on. As soon as the day turns into dusk a deeper sadness descends upon me. I sometimes have to sleep with the light on. Thank God, nothing keeps my husband up....not even a bright light flashing in his eye thru the night.

What are some of the things you do to take away some of that sadness during the winter months?

I will not have a winter in the country where we are located...but it does affect me when I'm in the States. However, just the darkness anytime of the year affects me. He use to come to my bed, and did things to me...while I slept unaware. He used to find ways of seeing me while I was nude...thru a crack in the side panels in the walls....thru an open window...that one wouldn't suspect a peeping Tom to be at. When I would awaken he would tell me or ask me if I knew what happened to me last night. Sometimes, I was totally unaware...sometimes I was too afraid to respond....and then he would say things to me like "you liked it, you enjoyed it". So, that resulted in many years of guilt. The worse times were night times....and that's also lead to my irregular sleep habits....and years of depression.

Therapy is almost impossible at this time for me in this country. I don't want to go out to see a specialist. They don't come out to the house. I haven't been leaving the house lately. I leave only when I have to...and that's maybe once per month. I realize I have fallen into a pattern...but I just can't get myself to get up and get out there. I dread going out and seeing anyone. I don't want anyone to know what I'm going through. I think it shows on my face. I don't want anyone questioning me or feeling sorry for me. Relationships that are important to me are dying as I sit in the house...but there is nothing I can do at this time. I don't have a choice if I don't want my anxiety and nervousness to kick in at 100 mph and just totally freak out in public.

[Photogeek]

There are a few issues here, you did the right thing letting the children go to the States, it sounds to me that now you have nothing of your own to fall back on. Go out, do you have a hobby or interest? if not get one soon, you need to have something else in your life other than your children or husband, He sounds a good man, but I am sure he is not perfect, maybe you need to concentrate on getting well and stop being unrealistic and saying you want a boy, what if you have a girl?

He probably snapped cause he was tired from work, do you friends outside your relationship, it seems to me that he is your only contact, if so you need other people too. So stop ruminating about things and go out of your house even for a swim or a bit of shopping even. You will get there but take it easy. x

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Photogeek]

Photogeek,

Thank you for understanding and supporting my decision on sending the children away. No, I have nothing to fall back on at this time. I am a teacher and school has ended as well. I'm sorry, I don't go out any more. There is nothing for me out there. Nothing but fear and anxiety, and people noticing how much of a freak I am. I leave the house very randomly, maybe once a month...if that. My husband is suffering through this too because he loves for us to go out on the weekends when he is off...but this prison of depression is keeping a tight leash on me. I can barely function at home...I turn into a complete mess...a freak....when I'm out in public...people stare and talk about my shyness and weirdness...I'm sorry, I just can't go anywhere....and I'm afraid I don't know how to stop or reverse this.

Yes, he is a good man, but a far stretch from perfection. He is bull-headed and very intelligent, and sometimes comes off as a "know-it-all". I can deal with that, but he and my daughter bump heads when it comes to that because she loves to debate. Another imperfection is his OCD, ironically. His daily patterns are not extreme...like placing the can goods in the pantry in alphabetical order or any thing like that....but things like the way he gets dressed every morning for work in the same exact order. If I go in the bathroom or allows for his routine to get out of order he gets a little weird. However, I married him knowing this so I try my best to deal with it. It's not an issue until I or the kids uses something of his and we don't return it and place it in the exact same place and position we found it.

I thought I had friends here in this country. None of them have proven over time to be true friends. Not like the few good ones I have in the States. I can't stand being around flaky people. I avoid those types and negativity. So, yeah, since school ended for summer and with the kids gone, he is really my only physical contact...

I do wait for the end of the day to speak with my mother when she gets off work in the States. When we do get on the phone we speak for about 5 minutes, making sure each one of us had a good day, and that everything is ok. My mother knows I battle with depression, but she doesn't know how worse its become. If I tell her she will only worry about me and make a big fuss. I call my BFF and she calls me...but I just don't let them on about what's going on. What good will it do? I am in a whole different country.

And yes, I need to be realistic. I may not ever have a baby or have a baby girl. I know if I could get out the house I could do better...my mood and all, but It's getting harder and harder to leave the house. I have to find a way to get through these two summer months when I'm not working. Perhaps, I should consider a trip to my mother in the States, but I know my husband and I hate being apart. I think a seed have been planted...now I have something to think about. If I go to California I can go to the beach and have a little fun outdoors.

[Suzie40]

I'm a teacher also, and I find the holidays to be quite an anti climax. People think I'm mad and can't understand how the prospect of six weeks' off doesn't please me. I find the change of routine quite unsettling and most holidays I spiral into the depths of darkness!

It's amazing that your hubby is so supportive, but it's not your fault that it's not enough for you. Depression has a cruel way of casting aside the good bits in our lives and making us focus on the imperfections.

Why don't you show him this post? I think you've summed up beautifully how you are feeling and it is so obviously clear how much you both love each other.

PS - The chicken and rice sounds gorgeous! X

[DaisyFlowerz]

Suzie34... Yes, that chicken and rice is to die for. Cooking is one of the few things I still enjoy on my good days. You know, I think that's a pretty good idea...to show him. But it would only be good if it didn't have a negative effect on. Suzie34...I think we have a healthy love and awesome relationship...but why am I ashamed of the way I am.... I know I am not mentally well....and I feel a bit embarrassed to let him come in and see the true me. I don't think he will love me any less...but I know something will change. Do you think that that is a sign that our love and marriage may not be as healthy or strong as I think? Letting him completely in places me in a very vulnerable position. He is my rock...I can't jeopardize things between us. I would actually be mortified if I found out he went through my stuff and read this, actually.

[Suzie40 in reply to DaisyFlowerz]

One of the things I have learned over the years is that leading a double life will never work. Not only is it near impossible to maintain, but coping with thoughts on your own is crippling. I spent years not telling a single person that I was being treated for depression, because I was embarrassed. It's only in very recent months I have started to realise that there's absolutely nothing to gain by putting on a brave face.

Your husband obviously knows that something is wrong. Have you considered what he might be thinking, without knowing the facts? He may well be worried that you're not happy with him or with the relationship. Yes I agree him knowing all 'the facts' might change your relationship, but I think him not knowing them is changing it too.

I understand that feeling of vulnerability. When I finally told my boss that I had been struggling, I felt naked. As though she could see into my soul. The thoughts and feelings that I'd kept so well hidden for so long were now all around the room, spilling out of the windows and under the crack in the door. I felt like I was losing control. It's one of the hardest things I've done but while I'll always wonder if her judgements of me are clouded by my admission of having depression, I feel better knowing that it's not a secret any more.

I don't think there's an issue with how strong or healthy your marriage is. Sharing and understanding feelings of depression is so hard for even the strongest of couples. I do think it's time to put it to test, though. You need to talk to him and let him in a bit. He sounds like a top bloke and I think he will support you. If you don't want to tell him everything, just open the door a little. Tell him that you've got a few things on your mind that you'd like to share. Test the water and I think the warmth he returns will help you to open up.

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Suzie40]

Suzie34,

Wow...you gave me a lot to think about. I will be dwelling on this...but I have already started since you first mentioned it. I can envision his look of concern... he has a loving nature about him. I'm the only person that can see that. At first glance he has command presence and is very intimidating-looking. Maybe I am afraid he will feel sorry for me...and that makes or may make me feel like less of a person....Oh how I hate pity.

He has a close relationship with my boss which is apart of the Operation he is running, but which has nothing to do with teaching. I work at an International School. She tells him how pleased she is with my work, how much the children love and adores me....I have a Master's Degree and 2 BS Degree....I am a US Veteran, a mother of two beautiful young girls, and his wife....He praises me, brags about me and all my accomplishments.... How do I just damage or jeopardize that somewhat "perfect" image he has of me? Just writing this... allows me to see my insecurities. I don't want him to see me as weak or less Suzie.

My Ex-husband used to tell me that I was weak and Spineless.... he said I had no backbone and couldn't even raise the children on my own. His exact words were "You will Never make it". Hence the reason I pushed my kids performance in school to be above mediocre....and myself through college. What am I thinking? My husband is nothing like that asshole I used to be married to. I have to make sure subconsciously I'm not associate the two...and bury these old feelings of hurt...and trust my husband. I will open the door....just a bit...and see how it goes. A little freedom has got to be healthy for me. I promise to try.

The way you explained how you felt to your boss...is exactly how I felt talking to my therapist a few years ago...and how I felt when I first posted up here. It's like you a willing to or forcing yourself to be exposed. I mean, who does that...who likes that? Only those that likes it....I guess. But, we have to come clean...and that way others can understand us and help us. Thank you for sharing that with me. I admire your courage.

Today, I must get out of the house. Last week was hectic and stressful with me having to turn grades in at the end of the year, cleaning the classroom, our kids packing up and leaving for vacation, and my husband usual stressful work load. So we had to put off celebrating our Anniversary. He wanted to wait anyway for when the kids were gone...we could go away overnight, with no need for a sitter, and hopefully not as many calls from his work. So, I promised we would go away this weekend. I am actually looking forward to it more so than not wanting to leave the house. He promised it would just be him and I, and we could lay around or go on nature walks. It is at a Water-Fall resort in a wooden-style cabin, but with a thatch roof Mayan Hut. I love nature and especially the water falls. Perhaps that will create the atmosphere for a good one-on-one talk for us both. We leave in an hour from now and return late Sunday. Will let you know how our talk goes.

[Hidden]

My dear I know its no consolation when you are depressed but you have a wonderful husband. I live in London and have had depression most of my 66 years, I have tried to come off the antidepressants so many times but now realise I have to stay on them. You cannot go on the way you are feeling at the moment, I know you would love another child but you are only existing at this present time, maybe it is time to reconsider your life we only have one and it goes by so fast, find out what harm they would do to your baby, also your children need a mother now, my children suffered because of my depression and I regret it so very much,i love them with all my heart. I feel for you my darling. good wishes and prayers. Ann

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to Hidden]

Ann, your words are so endearing....thank you much. I have been blessed in so many ways. That is a long time...66 years of depression. I can definitely take advice and heed warnings from you. Yes, the children I have now or plan to have will need me and I don't want to look back with regret. I can recall my mother....in her bed....days at a time...just sleeping endlessly....sad, heart-broken....crying or not crying...not speaking....not combing her hair..... not eating....and worlds away from us.....in her own dark, depressed world. I felt sorry for her.... I didn't know how to help her.

I would pray with her...and hold her fragile, weak hands.... and wonder if my mommy would die....because I did not understand her illness. I had no idea that her illness was mental. I'm not sure if she even understood it. I tried to make home remedies for her by going to the Market at the town square. I made her natural tea from leaves and got sea-weed drinks to give her energy to get up. Most of the times I though she just had the flu. It gave me sense of insecurity.... not knowing if your mother would be ok. In retrospect, as I look back, I learnt and came to understand that my mother's depression was apart of the abuse I was enduring. She felt helpless and useless in the situation. She too was a victim. It cannot continue...this awful cycle of depression.

One day, she got up out of the bed, the she took the meds that she says made her feel like a "zombie", (I recall Valium being one of them) flushed them down the toilet, got herself dressed and went to get her self a job. She had beaten depression and she has never had to deal with depression on that level ever again. I hope to be like her one day....strong and confident. Depression did not own her anymore.

I have decided to "open the door a little" (as someone on here has advised me) and let my husband in on some of the things that are going on with me and see how it goes.

[Hidden in reply to DaisyFlowerz]

depression does run in the family, I have it in mine, we are a specific type of people who get this, very vulnerable and I think caring too. I had 2 major breakdowns in my life and have clawed my way back, I have never given in to it but its a constant fight. I was abused as a child and by men throughout my life, I live on my own now and am contented but the depression kicks in now and again. My thoughts are with you my dear.

[goody123]

There was a scare about anti-depressants causing suicides about 12 years ago and the Doctors have never given them to me since. Believe it or not I'm slightly jealous that you and my brother can have them. I'm close to going now too, I feel it, as I have used chemicals for too long and too often, to take the depression away, even for 10 minutes. You sound young enough to expect (small miracles like) to be happy - truly - again, it might be sooner than you think. Good luck.

[DaisyFlowerz]

Goody123,

Gosh, I may be a bit hypocritical to say this...but I would say you should go and get on something. A doctor not wanting to give you meds based on that is unheard of. Psyche meds is like their bible...and they don't part with it....ever. I think that doctor actually cared about you as a person. I'm pretty young....35...I'm welcoming any miracle that comes my way. My hubby is 41. We'll will see what happens. I'll look more into meds for myself in case we end up conceiving. Good luck to you as well.

[coatpin]

Im afraid its either or,,, why cant you accept your brain isnt producing the chemicals needed for you to function properly,, why cant you see,,, and accept it is you,,, even if you do take the tablets.

without the tablets, the depression will want to take away all that you have.

I have come to the acceptance, that I will always need anti depressants, as my brain, will not make the chemicals it needs to function properly,, my mother was the same, and my gran,

We are lucky in that in those days,,, people would make fun of us, and say openly were mad,, or that crazy woman.

Please copy and paste your page, and show it your partner,,, as having a baby will not help at this time.,,, Its how we manage our "depression" will help our children cope with theirs.

sadly if they get the heriditory gene

take care of yoursellf better,,, and be happy with the drugs

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to coatpin]

Coatpin...Your dose of meds left a nasty taste in my mouth....I may not like it....but its the truth. I will have to find a way to completely work my way around your words of advice. Thanks for your thoughtfulness and insight.

[coatpin]

I know babe,,, my daughters did too,,, but acceptance,,, is honestly the best way,,, it seems to take away that big,,,, thing,,,, that stops us from getting Well again.

We hit ourselves the hardest,,, our relatives,,, just dont know what to do, how to be, they just want you back again,,,,, so that is what you have to do!!!! for ourselves, for them,,, and hopefully in the future,,, there willbe a cure xxx Linda,,, kindest regards

[DaisyFlowerz in reply to coatpin]

I understand dear. Thanks so much.

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