Leaning towards the edge

[katie2012]

In recent weeks I have been doing quite well and even managed to cope relatively well with a series if public events that I had to attend through work. It was all going ok until the second to last event where I found out that a family friend has been diagnosed with cancer and had a few months to live. I was shocked and very upset and had to leave the event because I couldn't face listening to people complain when it suddenly seemed irrelevant.

I was fortunate in some ways that my counselling session was that night and I have since been dealing with the news fairly well, considering.

If my working week(s) had been stress free, I think I would probably be coping ok now. But having done two 6 day weeks in a row and numerous public meetings and another one tonight, I have reached breaking point. The hardest thing for me is tht I try so hard to get things right for everyone that when something goes wrong I feel like I've completely messed up. For example the tea and coffee I requested for the meeting apparently hadn't been paid for and I feel like it reflects badly on me and I take it to heart that I didn't book everything properly. Thankfully it was all sorted but I still feel like I shouldn't have made any mistakes. Another hard thing about my job is that I (and my team members) are constantly told we can't do our jobs. I think we all take that personally, but when people say it to me I have to hold back the tears. I feel like I have been trying so hard to prove I can do it, and I've been trying so hard to beat this depressing shadow that follows me that I should be able to do everything and get it right.

At the moment I feel absolutely exhausted with my life. I have a couple of weeks holiday coming up (thankfully) and I need to give some serious considerations to my future. But right at this moment I want to sleep and I don't want my alarm to go off tomorrow. On the one hand I don't want to be defeated, but on the other, I have no energy to defeat it!

[Suzie40]

I understand that feeling. Sometimes in work I arrange meetings and if one of the people I invite doesn't get the memo, the whole meeting crumbles and I feel so embarrassed and cross with myself. I'm trying to help myself find ways to accept that lots of things are not my fault and when things go wrong, it's not always a reflection on me. I bet you're great at your job, it certainly sounds as though you've got a position of responsibility.

It sounds like you really need that bit of time off? Have you got anything nice planned?

[Photogeek]

Its hard when things go wrong in work, when I was working I worked in a busy area and I noticed that no one is going to notice something i.e. the tea not being paid for or ordered by you, they often just brush it off and do not give it another thought . I remember once making some mistake in a conference booking and I realised I would have to move a few people around, I just emailed the person who I double booked and apologised to her, she sent me a mail back saying no problem, that these things happen in life. Later she told my boss that I was very mature the way I accecpted it and was able to move on. I learned a great lesson from this and realised that our perception as Depressives is often skewed and self

critical. Now I realise that work stuff has to be right, but do not take everything personally, or else we would not do anything.

I retired from teaching last year, and do not miss the stress, but I am sure you are doing a great job.

[Photogeek]

You sound exhausted too, so take time out and relax.

[Suzie40]

How are you doing today? X

[katie2012]

Hey both, so sorry, my Internet seems to have failed me, I had left a comment back before - I wasn't ignoring you!!!

Suzie: it sounds silly how we take things to heart, when at the end of the day, it is just a job and most of our mistakes probably go unnoticed. I stress myself out because I am so eager to prove myself and get things right that in actual fact, I probably end up making more mistakes than I would if I was more relaxed.

Thankfully I am now off for 2 weeks...whether I want to go back is another matter! I'm going to visit some friends and then I am off to France for a week in the sunshine (hopefully) with my family. I am looking forward to some relaxation.

Surprisingly when I eventually got to work today, everyone seemed pleased with how the meeting had gone.

I guess I really do need to learn at some stage that I don't need to be so critical and hard on myself....i just need to work out how!

Thank you both for your support, it really does mean a lot! X

I hope you're both doing ok too x