I NEED HELP

[MyBlueM]

So I've spent most of my life not feeling anything like living, i always wanted to erase myself from the world and just disappear, by now i was trying to find a way to isolate myself before committing suicide this year. however chatgpt told me to try help so i talked with a therapist and he recommended trying to see people who suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts ( or who tried before )

[survivorspirit]

Sometimes I Have felt like a ghost that just keeps getting more and more transparent, until I could be gone and no-one would notice. I know then I need help. I have called the 988 number for help and quickly made an appointment to see a doctor or psychiatrist. Medication can save your life, and counseling can teach you how to live.

[MyBlueM in reply to survivorspirit]

I did ask for help and went therapists sections before, non could truly help me

[survivorspirit]

I've gone as far as filling out the paperwork for a gun. It was approved but the waiting period gave me a breathing space and I decided not to. Suicidal ideation has always been a problem with me, but the earlier episode I mentioned, is as far as I've gone. I decided it takes courage to live. I don't know if courage will take me to the finish line but it's worked so far. Courage means reading, talking to others, seeking online help, finding someone I can lean on, and sometimes just being present. Some days it's getting out of bed as a courageous act. Other days it's just breathing. It's always a small step that I can do that add up. I recently read in Psychiatry Today that if you chose to commit suicide, your death increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and even suicide among those closest to you. Among those who know you just as an acquaintance is has a noticeable effect. I just can't do that to my eldest son, who I love deeply, and his family.

[MyBlueM in reply to survivorspirit]

Firstly, I am truly thankful for you, for mentioning these things

i usually try my best and try new stuff, getting out of my bed, but i really don't know how to reach out for others, I had tried committing suicide before, but surly it didn't work out since i'm here today, for me the main core is that i suffered with the same mindset since i was 14 till now, i'm 20, i can't handle myself, no one is listening to me, i tried talking with my mom and my therapist , non of them is helping, i don't have friends, and i truly don't have the courage to live, everyday I wake up from sleep wishing on my death, regretting not dying from my previous attempts, and trying to make sure my suicide attempt this time is going to work.

I learned playing piano and guitar, swing, traveling, sports and gym, cooking and more other stuff but they didn't help that much, i just wanna die

[survivorspirit in reply to MyBlueM]

Someone once said that depression is a bitch. It infects like a virus your perception of things. You get tired and wonder how to go on. I've been there. It's a disease that tries to keep the focus on you. It sounds like you were hit hard. A psychiatrist told me my first episode was at 15. I almost died at 19 from self-medicating. For me, suicide is so final. You have options and in this crazy universe, there is just the possibility things could get better. You don't see that now. Also, people do suffer when you die. Someone you love will have a hard time going on. You do have the courage to live, you're alive when you wrote this. It took a lot of courage to do that. Depression requires you to do a little but not too much. A balance. I identify with you, and I care what happens. A breath can be the courage for the day. You sound artistic. Maybe an art therapy journal or a written one. Mine I call the pain journal, and I write down all I feel. Haphazard no rhyme or reason, it's an emotional release. Take it to your therapist or keep it private. Destroy it or not. When we're born, we're given a corner of the universe that's your alone. Defend it

[MyBlueM in reply to survivorspirit]

Thanks alot for your kind words, i really don't know how i could thank you much more

I tried journaling and writing before, but for the most part, I'm also a University student, I usually force myself to go and attend the classes i have, but i think it's been a month since i went there, I always find a way to do not attend at all, but after your words, for tomorrow i'll try to attend my classes

again thanks alot