So tired of being depressed and feeling alone

[newbird50]

Depression has been in my life off and on throughout the years. Almost ten years ago, I lost my son by suicide. This threw me into a depression that has been going on since his passing. I am in therapy for his loss. Almost a decade of depression, from varying degrees. I hate depression, it has robbed me of joy, happiness, the desire to live, to live life the way everybody who does not have depression seems to. I see a doctor for my depression and med. management. My meds have been tweaked, stopped and started; I don't know how many times. I have been hospitalized numerous times. The depression has been low at times. And that is nice, when it's at a 3/4, I can function daily. But when it creeps up 6/7/8/9/10, it is the worst. It is what we hear about: not being able to get out of bed, isolation, poor hygiene, despair, suicidal ideation. Everything doctors say we can experience happens. I haven't been able to work since I have had this depression. I want so much to get out in the world and have a job. But that is not possible right now. I have an amazing husband, who is patient, understanding, lifts me up, and has been with me through the loss of my son and this depression. I feel so down on myself. Like I am a failure, as a wife, as a mother, and just a loser in life. I feel so alone as I walk this long dark road. I feel shrouded in darkness. When I get up to do stuff, I feel like a robot, just going through the motions.

[Forwardds]

I’m so sorry for your loss, and to read of your sadness and depression. It sounds truly awful. It’s great that you have a good husband by your side. I don’t know what to say as I’m in a dark pit myself, but I wanted to acknowledge you and your experience and somehow encourage you in this dark time. Hopefully you will be able to emerge in time and find fun things to do with your husband and others. I can only imagine the dark cloud as you read this that hangs over and tells you that fun is impossible. I hope you get some breaks on that cloud

[Luvsdogs4]

I’m so sorry for your losses. Many losses you’ve mentioned here. I could have easily written this. Just change the reason for grief and I have no husband.

10yrs, of an uphill battle . When it’s so much work to just find even little joys it’s not worth the work it takes. I hate I feel this way. It’s where I am at the moment though. In a couple of months it’ll be something else forefront in struggles and thoughts.

It’s interesting to me that it’s been the same amount of time for us both. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else be that long. I have an incredible amount of guilt about how long it’s been. Your post has helped me a bit in that regard. Thank you. I truly hope you find some sort of peace more often than not in your journey.

[Arabianhorselover]

I don't know what to say, but that I hope you find some peace soon.