just me

[Acf10]

hi all. I stumbled upon this support group honestly as a last ditch effort to feel better. I’m 23, have had MDD since 16/17 and struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It complicates friendships and relationships, work life and home life, and just overall ruining everything. I recently broke up with my boyfriend after a particularly bad panic attack and I’m tired of letting my mental health push everyone away. I love him so much but hate myself at the same time and he wasn’t exactly a solid foundation to stand on. I’m tired, I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore and therapy/ psychiatry is practically inaccessible due to cost. I’ve tried every resource in my city, every hotline I could possibly call and just am at the end of my rope. Typically I’m very high functioning but I’m struggling to care for myself and my dog at this point. Sometimes it feels like I’m lying on a beach just waiting for the tide to take me.

[blackcat64013]

Hi and welcome to your forum. 👋

We are a community of lived experience who have so much to offer members. We walk beside our members, only you can't see us because we are invisible.

We love to hear about your lived experience, share memes, poetry and drawings and of course, drop a line to acknowledge your contribution. We are based around the world (I am in Australia), so there is usually someone who can respond to a post.

You are free to opt in and out as much as you can or feel able.

[repeatedcycle]

Feel you on the last ditch effort thing. Having a relationship with mental health struggles is really difficult. I have blown things out of proportion, yelled, acted foolish etc. Then feel sooo guilty. I just wrote something about that before seeing your post.

I went through a massive depressive episode about 6 years ago and really felt hopeless. I thought I made such a mistake that I ruined my life with elective surgery.

I understand therapy costing too much. I have insurance but even the copays add up. Just know you aren't alone. I lay in bed at times in the morning and think, what the fuck is all this for anyway? Am I just supposed to just do this every day until death?

My GF is into Chakra, for her this has helped as she's got her own stuff going on. She also suffers from panic attacks.

I think sometimes getting an obsession or as some call it, a hobby, is a great thing. I need one myself. I say this because I too find NOTHING interesting anymore, NOTHING is fun. Everything is just whatever it is.

I'm sure you look at excited people and think, sure would be nice to be that guy or that girl. And not because of how they look but just because they genuinely look happy.

Anyway, I'd stay clear of relationships right now if I were you. They add to the issues when you aren't feeling like you can be there for him. That's just more guilt you don't need.

I know this sounds cliché but the sun does help. I'm actively looking for a hobby and you should too. Not sure what kind of music you listen to but music can change moods too. I was, and still do actively listen to reggae. The messaging can be very positive.

[Peptink in reply to repeatedcycle]

Those are all great ideas. Thanks for the suggestions.

[Acf10 in reply to repeatedcycle]

I’m to the point where I see other happy people and it makes me bitter because it feels so un achievable. I do know I struggle worse in winter with the shorter days and sometimes sunlight just isn’t an option. I have hobbies, I read, I paint, I work like a dog to support myself but even when I do stuff I enjoy I have gray lenses that I look out from and feels like I’m doing it just to do something. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to “outsmart it” and know that no matter how many books I read or paintings I paint, I’ll never be “happy”

[repeatedcycle]

I totally understand that. Good description, it's like lemme paint, lemme go to this movie, lemme play this game or eat over here ..none of it matters. Everything is tasteless. It's like when I had Covid and couldn't taste a thing for like 4 months. How lame and boring.

Life can be like tasteless food.

As part of what I'm going to do is get prescribed Lithium. Natural element, part of the periodic table.

In societies where lithium is present in water like fluoride here or victim C in Japan. Those societies experience less violence. The properties of lithium help you regulate your emotions.

I'm about to go on probiotics 20m +, magnesium and lithium.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and GAD. I'm really looking forward to this which is RARE. I never look forward to anything as everything seems like a chore or task I'm forced to do.

I think what I've recently learned is that staying stagnant is easy. Waiting for the solution is easy. Meanwhile we suffer. Looking for the solution is frustrating but it could work.

Seasonal depression IS REAL AND NO JOKE. It's why I mentioned sunshine.

[Acf10 in reply to repeatedcycle]

Yes it feels exactly like that. Like I’m just filling my time and makes me hate things that I once enjoyed doing because I know I’m just painting or reading and remember a time where I did enjoy doing those things. It feels like I’m my own worst enemy and I’m the one doing it to myself but I just cannot make myself enjoy anything. As I stated in my original post, I’m 23, and the desire to do “normal shit” that other people in their 20’s do, just feels so mundane. I remember a time where I used to enjoy going out and dancing with my friends and now I can’t even do it because I see everyone else look like they’re genuinely enjoying themselves and I feel like I’m having to put on a mask and fake it. I really am not opposed to meds at all, I’ve been on Wellbutrin that did work well for me and I’ve been prescribed both Buspar and Ativan in the past which really did help. I do not understand why it is so inaccessible. I have insurance and I cannot see a therapist for under $100 a session and cannot find a psychiatrist for under $300. There’s online resources like BetterHelp for therapy and Hers for medication management but I was raised “good work ain’t cheap and cheap work ain’t good” and refuse to skimp on a provider. I had bad experiences in high school with doctors who did not listen and treatment plans I did not agree with. And then im stuck with where do I go from here? Stressing myself out over finances to feel better doesn’t make much sense. I’m single, live alone, cant go back “home”, can’t take time off work or I will lose housing, can’t get approved for financial aid, got waitlisted 6 months for pro bono counseling just for them to tell me they moved to the next person like. What now?

[designguy]

Sorry you are not doing well and having difficulty with therapy, if you live in the US you might check out the local NAMI Chapter in your area. They have free online and in person therapy groups and affordable resources.

[Catsuit53]

acf, I understand your pain. Don’t give up. You’re too young to give up. I went through a major depression at your age and it got better. I’m glad I hung on for the years that followed. Does anyone on your local hotline have suggestions on where to get therapy or medication?