I don't want to live anymore

[Mynameisreen]

I've been depressed most of my life. I grew up with 10 brothers and sisters, I got teased constantly because I wasn't as beautiful as my 5 sisters. I would come home from school and hide away in my little 3rd floor bedroom to avoid teasing. I was never close to my mom, in fact I never remember having a conversation with my mom she just ignored me and if I came into a room, she would walk out. I am now living in an over 55 community and I isolate in my apartment, I have no self confidence. None of my family visits or calls me. I have 2 grown sons and I see them a couple times a year. I stay in bed till after noon each day (why get up?) All I think about is how can I kill myself. I think I have taken every type of anxiety/depression medication, nothing help. I've even had ECT a couple times.I JUST WANT TO DIE!!!!!

[Dolphin14]

Please call 988 if you are in danger of hurting yourself.

Do you have a therapist or Dr you can reach out to?

Your young life sounds like it lacked so many things. This is very sad and it can affect us for a life time if we don't get the proper treatment.

What types of therapy have you done. You mention meds and ECT what else have you tried?

I know it's very difficult to want to get up and do things. Usually these 55+ communities have many activities. Is there anything you are interested in?

🐬

[Mynameisreen in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you for your concern. I won't harm myself. I can't get up enough courage to join in the activities here. I just pray that God will take me soon.

Bless you for caring!

[Dolphin14 in reply to Mynameisreen]

Please be good to yourself.

Sending you healing vibes

[Mynameisreen in reply to Dolphin14]

Thank you

[Nothing_but_books]

Do you have a therapist or a doctor you can talk to about how you're doing?

Dolphin is right, there are phone numbers to call to get someone to talk to.

Try dialing 211 and ask if there is a crisis line in your area.

Please keep reaching out here. We have a very caring group of people to talk to. The best part is we get it. We know what it's like to have no one understand how bad emotional pain can be.

[blackcat64013]

Hi,Your post is really touching.

The previous posts have good advice about your safety.

Our brains 🧠 defend us against the trauma from our childhood or other bad stuff leading to emotional problems.

Working through the issue requires speaking to a trauma informed therapist.

I hope you can find such a person in your area.

In the meantime, rest assured the folks in this community have the care and concern to help you choose to see tomorrow in a better light. 💜 🐈‍⬛

[Mynameisreen]

Thank you for your concern and advice. It has been difficult finding a therapist in my area. I tried a couple of the online therapists but it was a waste of money.God bless you

[Hidden]

Consider therapy please! Calls for help do not go unheard!

[Hidden]

Small gifts are coming your way. Go outside to get better... sunlight and good weather. Exercise and visiting your neighborhood, is possible due to weather. Call for help!

[roses4all]

Hi Reen, my mom is a narcissist. She never did anything but bring me down. Only contact with one brother in Messenger... a few times a year. So, I get it. It is sad but not surprising. Some families are just broken.

I am 61. I finally have a good therapist. (After several therapists who just couldn't help.) This is time I looked for a therapist differently... I went onto the website for licensed psychologists in my province (Canada). I searched for therapists with knowledge in the areas where I needed help (surviving narcissism, depression, anxiety, life cycles...). I started seeing him at the end of December 2023. I am slowly seeing changes in the areas of my life that I want changed. Maybe, you could do a search like that. I hope so.

Another idea... you can chat with someone here. Sending good vibes!

[Mynameisreen in reply to roses4all]

Thank you so very much for caring and taking the time to respond. God bless you!!!

[Mynameisreen]

I did do ECT a few times and it didn't help. Thanks for your help!

[Downinil]

Hi Mynameisreen! Im hear for you anytime. You have my friendship so please feel free to message me.

[mauv]

can you tell you tell your sons you would appreciate a visit more often. Let them know how lonely you get.Can you get something from a grocery store bakery Anne take it to one neighbor. Just take baby steps. I tried ECT and it didn’t help me either. Tried TMS and no effect either. I have tried all the old antidepressants and am resistent to them. I am going to try Trintellix next. I had abandonment and verbal abuse by my father. He was an Alcoholic and I married into an Alcoholic family. My husband has been a verbal a bidet thru our marriage. We had 2 handicapped children and one healthy child. I am not going to give up. My depression has been bad for 4 yrs. New treatments are coming and new meds too.

This group is here to encourage each other. We really understand. We are here for you. I pray that your therapist is working on your childhood issues with your mom first. You are a hold of God and that makes you worthy to Him and us.