Why is it? Sometimes I feel I have been “cursed”, I have fucked up so many opportunities because of either my head or my heart, or just plain bad decisions caused mostly by my head…its hard to explain, I know I have issues with mental illness and I realize I have to live with it and be able to deal with these episodes, but they seem to be happening more frequently, it doesn’t help that I have limited resources because of where I live, but to be quite honest I do not think I could live in a big city again, it would be too much, I never thought I would say that but its true, isolation is probably one of the worst things for me yet I have been in it now for a few years living here ( not by choice, but its like I am used to it now, almost like a unhealthy relationship that just feel comfort). it seems I used to be so different even just before I moved to this place, I always suffered from depression but as the years go by it gets worse, and I just do not want to go on meds again… how sad is it to come to a place where I have to be ok with never finding a significant other again, its so hard, because on the one hand that is what I desire, on the other will I ever be healthy enough to have a healthy relationship? Yet hope is all I have, if I truly give up on that, what is left? I would never want to be a burden on anyone, ( thats why I think I have always chosen really unhealthy people) and I feel that I would be a burden to someone who is healthy, the only ones that would understand would be someone who suffers as much as I…. But then what would that look like, yes we could help each other through if one was not in this suffocating episode, but I feel others pain, I always have, so again what would that look like? Would I be better off alone? Not sure… see the torment I live through daily, it is a constant tug of war inside of me with everything, career, relationships, everything, I get so sick of dealing with my own head… when I’m better I can do yoga, meditate, journal, art, and I feel as though I can take on whatever gets in front of me, but when I am like this I don’t due anything, and I have no one that I would care to talk to, why would I want people that are in my life to know how much my suffering is? They would not understand and I would feel more like an outcast than I already do… at least now no one knows what goes on in my head, except of course my therapist… she is wonderful yet once a week…
I have had a few triggers lately, and coming to a point in life that is different than the rest of my life, in my work life no one would ever know I suffer so much, because see when you grow up with this (major depression) you have to put on this act to the world, you actually become the best actor because you have too, everyone believes that everything is fine, we actually are masters of that, thats why we are so good in fields of acting or any type of art…. I am glad this platform exists even if it is just to vent, like now…
I don't have the strength to keep fighting
Hello! I'm new here and am happy to find this group.
I want to feel happy 20 F
Still Abused by my parents. I NEED SUPPORT 
Trying to survive with severe treatment-resistant depression
