Posting for us all to have a better day together.

[Existing]

Hi everyone, well, I keep talking about the importance of social connections to depression, something most of us struggle to find with depression.Yesterday I had plans to attend a writing group I've been meaning to join, and today, I was going to volunteer with a local makerspace here (a community art space), yet, I did neither, lol. Being honest, the biggest problem I'm trying to work on with my therapist is time management and self regulation, meaning just trying to manage my days and try to build some healthy balance to keep depression from consuming me.

I've come to terms with the difficulties that come from isolation, and having absolutely nothing of interest in my life. Yet, I can't even get a grip on my sleep routine. I'm a night owl, but it gets ridiculous with how late I go to bed and wake up. Like I can't even plan an afternoon, let alone consider morning. And that limits my life A LOT, in that I had to cancel 2 outings this week, which were both social in nature.

So, what is it that is the biggest struggle for you with depression? If you could pinpoint the biggest issue that holds you back, or sucks you in, or keeps you down, what would that be?

Food for thought.

[The_Butterfly]

YES! oh my gosh. What is this? I totally understand and identify with your post. Is that depression? I feel like I might be depressed. I feel overwhelmed and like there’s nothing to really fulfill me. It’s that feeling, with a side of fries, and the feeling of being trapped. I’d be done living but there are some people who would honestly get jacked up from that. Not because it’s me. Ha! I wish. But just, the idea of someone they know having done it would make them feel bad and I don’t want to put that on anyone. I could move to Iceland or something.

I fight it, but it’s like I’m a bouncing ball that is bouncing less and less each day until I flatline. I am trying different things but I can bounce higher. I just want to be by myself . I don’t want to answer to anyone else. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to move. I could stare into space for hours I think. But I have so much to do or else crap hits the fan and I suffer consequences. I’m like a lab rat who only moves to avoid jolts of electricity.

I am tired of working on boundaries with others. I am tired of my fiancé, who is loving but he interrupts me and he has unrefined black-and-white opinions. I go through periods where I schedule a whole bunch of stuff and then I go through periods like now, where I want to cancel everything I scheduled.

[Existing in reply to The_Butterfly]

Wow, you ARE like me. And you've got some great lines, like a bag of fries, and moving to Iceland😄. I'm guessing the difference is that this is newer to you? I'm existing in this bizarro world for too many years now, realizing there is no life to return to. And now I'm at retirement, and have income from what was disability to now SS retirement. That's depressing in,itself that its gone on this long. And yes, I long for this existence to end. And yes, I don't want to do anything. And I've learned how to avoid like a professional, unfortunately, so I do a lot of nothing, and no longer know how to do anything. But, just because I don't have to do anything does not mean its a life worth living. Unlike you, I have absolutely no one in my life who would notice if I left. (I would have to arrange for my pets). But, having a life long death wish, I know thats an easy decision for me. But I have yet to live again, things I've worked my life to learn and contribute now that I'm older and have the experience and wisdom to truly make a difference in things. For people. I have my degree in psychology and always knew I would use that for much more than a job. Its a calling to add my insight to things.. to something, but now I know not what. Its why I'm still here. That, and I deserve a better ending than to be classified as nothing more than a suicide without dignity.

[The_Butterfly in reply to Existing]

Yes!!!! “I’ve learned how to avoid like a professional.” That is powerful. I’m like that too. I think I get it from my mother. She could talk me out of any action or dream. All she had to do was keep asking questions. “Well how will you get there? How will you pay for it? Who else is going? What will people think? “ In a tone of voice where she was annoyed and skeptical. Like I was asking her to do something about MY dream. That voice is inside me now, internalized.

And there’s been a few times when I’ve acted despite that voice and gotten good results. But, I’ve had a few bad results that drive me back to my non-existence. My “friends” do stuff and I’m impressed by them, but I don’t know how they get all this living done. How do they have the courage and energy? They go hiking alone! And I’m kind of a fringe “friend” anyway, only knowing one lady who knows everyone else. Honestly, more like an acquaintance. But, like, renting an AirBnb with a group of people sounds terrifying to me. They do this! I am not invited. Driving in the same car as a group of random women who call each other friends sounds horrible. What if I insult someone at the beginning of the ride? So I have strong “get away from me” vibes. It’s not that I want to be alone. I just don’t want any trouble or to cause someone else trouble, drama, or any inconvenience. I kinda feel like maybe before I go, I want to raise hell and be terribly inconvenient. Maybe get a tattoo. Maybe share my opinions un-anonymously. Onymously? Onymously.

You are helping me by sharing your insights and letting me share mine. So I am very glad you exist. 😊

[Existing in reply to The_Butterfly]

Beautiful!Maybe practice what i call 'visioning ', since i avoid so much. I only recently remember it, and it helped:

Since i avoid what feels too overwhelming, and since your mom would have overwhelmed me into depression, lol, what if you took maybe 20 minutes just lying with eyes closed, and started coming up with some --satisfying *answers to her questions? For me they would be sarcasm and make me laugh as i roll off everything i hate about her stupid negative depressing questions that are a total buzzkill to anything. I could think of the most perfect event possible, like receiving an acadamy award and her talking me out of it😄

I have cartoons in my head all the time

[Existing in reply to The_Butterfly]

Avoidance for me has some deep connections to a lot of years of adult trauma, -- situations where i had to do something - but there was literally nothing i could do, so that fight or flight reaction turned into ways to avoid.

[Existing in reply to The_Butterfly]

And ...get the tattoo.😘

[The_Butterfly in reply to Existing]

I didn’t get notified that you responded so I just saw your responses. Thank you so much! I need to try visioning. Haven’t heard of that. Sounds like the good side of worrying, so I should be really good at it. Amirite? Lol.

Trauma sucks. Yeah. That feeling of being stuck is extremely unpleasant. Holy crap. Think about that for a second: how unpleasant is that feeling? Am I? … are we ….unconsciously doing everything we can to avoid that feeling? I really would like to open some doors here. It’s not that I’m avoiding people. Or commitment. Maybe I’m just avoiding that feeling of being trapped in a no-win situation. I’m opting out. But like you said… what if there’s a way to take on commitment or be around people with a built-in escape hatch so that I never have to feel that feeling again? How can I get that? I think it is called being unflappable. How can I get unflappablility? I want to be unflappable.

[Cookie2217]

My biggest issue with depression is actually getting out of bed in the morning I dread it I almost get my stomach sick over it I constantly look at the phone and see how much time I have to sleep and I'm not sleeping I'm just laying there at my eyes closed. I want everything to be quiet no lights on so I could just lay here in darkness why that's no way to live. All last week I call that a work for a whole week because of my depression I almost lost my job that it took me over 4 months to get because of this damn depression. Major depressive disorder was the reason why I lost my state job February of 2023 and then I lost my place to live and now I live in my sister's basement there's no place to go but up from here cuz I'm on my knees from this depression right now.

[Existing in reply to Cookie2217]

That issue is a whole separate thing to me, lol. I have refused to take on day things most all of my life, including quitting a really good job after 6 months or so because i realized the hours (8:30 -5) were killing me. I discovered there was traffic in the morning 😄 as well as the eve. I felt exhauseted after work, and never wanted to do anything, but go to bed, and the going to sleep early made me resist all the more, and getting up to an alarm? Oh hell no i would rather be dead!😄 yeah, i get it.