I have been in this depression episode now again for three days, nothing gives me happiness, nothing gives me hope, I see others around me that are having the best life and although I am genuinely happy for them, it digs my hole a little bit deeper, I know from being here many times, it will pass…
The only other option is to go on meds which if that is what you want I would say do it, but for me it makes me feel even worse so I know that I will have to ride this tortured life forever, I do believe the only reason I haven’t given up is my cats and sometimes the positive, logical side of me wins and life isn’t horrible, but then the darkness always comes back and it’s so suffocating, I try and tell myself sometimes it’s environmental, and I have never been this bad until I moved to a rural area and the isolation really blew it out of control, and that might definitely be true, I don’t ever remember it being this bad until I moved to this area, I wish I could just snap my fingers and be somewhere else, but it’s not possible for me, at the moment a thing that really is cutting me to the core is my past regrets and mistakes I have made with making bad decisions, I know I can not go back and it only hurts me to think about them but sometimes they just cloud my thoughts and no matter how hard I try they don’t go away, and knowing that my life could have been so different and better yet i chose too not have it that way, possibly because of my self worth at those times who knows… all I know is that I hate the life that I have to live, I have worked so hard with inner self self work, inner child work ect… yet I still always come back to my oldest friend… misery.
