I’m not okay

[Notokay]

I had a mental breakdown today. It seems like my husband would never be mine. He’s portraying me very wrong. I am in a very self critical position. I feel very alone as I left every one for him. Not willingly it just happened.

[Hidden]

Hello,

As a married man, I am sorry to hear that. Marriage can be challenging, and I am saddened to say that as years pass, our society has forgotten what it means to be married. That being said, my wife and I have established a few key rules in our marriage.

The first and most important thing we both agree on is that once people get married, most think they have to live for the other and thus ignore themselves. This is a big mistake. You have to keep in mind that your husband or wife loves you for the person you were while dating—the person who took care of him/herself, the person investing in himself/herself. That person had a glow that made others notice him/her among many. But when married, most forget this and stop doing it altogether. You have to remember that at the end of the day, we are all human beings and, knowingly or unknowingly, are affected by many things. Psychologically, we do not even know how love changes over time.

To overcome this, you have to always keep in mind that you need to ensure you are always moving forward, always taking care of yourself, always aiming to be the best version of yourself. After all, ask yourself this question: how much would you be attracted to a man who does not take care of himself or does not aim to be better? A man who just stays the same over the years as life around you and him changes, develops, and improves. A man who might get worse or lesser than what he was.

Please do not take this the wrong way; I am not saying you are doing the same for yourself. You may still be the same woman you started as, but even at that level, the same thing applies. Life goes on, everything and everyone around us changes and improves. Life always moves forward. We need to do the same. That means we, as individuals, need to add new qualities to ourselves. Always aim to be the best version of ourselves that we can be. To help explain what I mean better, allow me to give a few examples from our marriage. One of the first things we decided to do was to always keep healthy. This meant that we both had a certain standard that we needed to maintain when it came to bodily health. We both have separate hobbies and hobbies that we do together. Those we do together are for quality time, but those that we have separately are the ones that make us more attractive to each other.

We also made it our habit to read a lot too. We choose books on self-development and various other topics.

In addition we made rules on always saying thank you to each other, always asking ourselves what the other is doing for us.

Of course, among all of these, the most important thing that we have realized is that as long as our significant other improved, our attraction does not fade. On the contrary, it just continues to grow. In your case, I do not know the details, but from what you have said, I do believe that it would be better to focus on yourself. Please keep in mind, when your quality is high, everyone will see you and want you. When you become better, when your value increases, when you have high qualities, you determine your value, not others. In such a case, you do not need others to validate you; you do not need them to come to you. But keep in mind, you have to be realistic in this approach. Do not be like those who see themselves as high and mighty and deserving of all and everything. Remember, if you truly have reached a higher level, you will see and understand this based on what kind of people see you, come to you, talk to you. Remember, roses attract butterflies and bees, while excrement attracts flies. You can't say you are a rose while all that is around you is undesirable people. You have to be honest with yourself and reevaluate your life and choices once in a while based on what you have attracted.

And finally, if my words seem wrong or offend in any way, I apologize in advance. These are my experiences, and I am just sharing them with you.

I sincerely hope that things get better for you.

[Midori in reply to Hidden]

Well said, Pathfinder.

Cheers, Midori