For years, its still true that social support is still at least equal in effectiveness to CBT or meds.Ive known this for years, but am seeing this as a huge issue in society, in general. People are more and more isolated, from Covid, to increased online communication, we are less likely to engage with others face to face. These interpersonal skills we take for granted are actually necessary throughout the history of humans as social creatures.
I have suffered from this isolation for a few years now, and it only adds to feeling cut off and disconnected from the world. That only increases the symptoms of depression, which for me, plays into a desire to endy life. So, i have to be proactive in prioritizing social connections. I've always felt better when i feel like I'm part of something bigger than myself, especially if there's a sense of belonging and usefulness that comes from it.
So, if you can do only a little, make an effort to seek out opportunities for interaction and engagement with others. Even a shallow grocery store interaction is better than complete solitude, but ask about support groups, or local interest groups around something you enjoy: sports, crafts, reading, senior centers, anything that allows you to connect with others. Even better when it meets routinely.
Create a list titled: Things that might make me feel better, and add things to it over time. I say this because its not easy to get yourself to attend new things when you are depressed, buts its both helpful and hopeful to have things available to combat the tendency with depression to go inward, when you really need to be pushing yourself to go outward. Inward means all those negative thoughts can feel true, and can confirm a tendency to sabotage ourselves with feelings of worthlessness, which only makes us worse.
Trust me, the most important need for people with depression is social connection. Its also one of the hardest, so start by making that list, and eventually make a real effort to show up. That alone can make me feel a lot better, even if i don't like the thing or group, at least I got out into the world around me. Eventually, you hit on something that feels better than isolation.
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Your words hit me in the heart and are so true, they describe what I need to hear/ to do right now. I have been isolated 24/7 for many years (living alone in the Swedish subarctic where there are almost no people) and have no one (except my cats).
I can absolutely relate to what you write:
„I have suffered from this isolation for a few years now, and it only adds to feeling cut off and disconnected from the world. That only increases the symptoms of depression, which for me, plays into a desire to end life.“
Like you I’m a female in my sixties, suffer from depression, existential loneliness, and complex adult trauma (and have trouble with the damn showering, too...) often enough fighting the desire to end it all (which, by the way, seems to be one of the coping strategies of complex trauma, as Brickel & Associates write here (not only valid for the pandemic):
You wrote: „Create a list titled: Things that might make me feel better, and add things to it over time.“
I will take up your suggestion and try to make a list of things that somehow help me here in the absolute loneliness. Like nature, Yoga, walks, cats, norepinephrine-boosting films (e.g. agent films etc.). Maybe I can think of more things, will see. But you really need some kind of rescue kit/List - you're right!
And yes, the most important (unmet) need for people with depression is social connection. No one anywhere - that can be fatal...loneliness takes you into very dark spirals...
I have been asking myself this for a long time: Most people with depression that I have heard about, read about or met are very good, loving, caring people. Maybe they should all get together (in their regions/cities), connect socially and help each other in real life? Be there for each other - instead of hoping for others who never come - or don't understand the situation. With this I mean real physical regular meetings, not online. A little bit like the concept of MOAI (taking responsibility for one another) which makes people in Okinawa live so long, as described in the following link:
(Unfortunately I can't do that here in the subarctic, as there's no one around - but maybe it would be a possibility in populated areas??)
Depressives of all countries - unite! And help each other in a very concrete way in real life! - that would be the idea. No more stigma, no more waiting for others/non-depressives to understand etc.
We could be there for each other!
Perhaps a stupid and/or unrealistic idea? I like it anyway...
I wish you and everyone else a good, bearable and hopefully sunny day! Thank you once again! You have helped me a lot!
Your comments made me curious about your unique situation, and how you came to be in such an empty and isolated location. Is that where you have always lived? Has your life always been like this? And how do you get basic needs met for survival, and the necessities for life?
Also, your joyous thoughts about people uniting around depression kind of made me chuckle:
"Maybe they should all get together (in their regions/cities), connect socially and help each other in real life?"
The reason i chuckle is because thats pretty much what we've been doing, at least is the past. I can think of several things that contributed to the changes is society, but that kind of group therapy, of people sharing and supporting each other, in support groups, etc. used to be common, as part of therapy and treatment for depression. --At least in my experience, living in the western states, and yes, being raised in So. California, which is definitely more progressive. But my point is that now I cant find anything that resembles real group therapy, in the state I live in now ( make that "kingdom ", because they are oblivious of what happens beyond here, lol, so they just invent their own methods and meanings, haha) But, it sounds like this "group support" might be a new concept to you too?
I know that the absence of groups and support here (where I live) are a big part of whats missing, for me (and many others) to actually improve and recover.
..But, because I have actually have more to say on this, I think I will make a separate post. Later, lol
sure I like to answer your question about why and how I live in Lapland:
I am German, had previously lived in southern Sweden for a long time, moved back to Germany in 2019 because of the all-embracing Swedish loneliness/practically non-existent healthcare system, even in the south. - And then left Germany again in 2023 due to a series of big human disappointments/betrayal, deep emotional losses and loss of everything else (home, company, savings, health, this due to family betrayal and Corona). The unbearable pain made that I moved/escaped to Lapland, as Lapland is the most beautiful (albeit loneliest) part of Sweden and as I already knew the south by heart. - I get my basic needs for survival. and the necessities for life here by driving to the grocery store many miles away. It is beautiful here, but no people or communities whatsoever. And of course no kind of therapy or similar help. Only SSRI's - in the best case...which I must not take. - It's a visually delighting but tough life here.
Regarding support groups for life
I know, of course, that there have always been support groups for depressed people in many parts of the world, but that's really not what I meant with my former suggestion.
I was thinking - as described in the linked article - of the possibility to establish small groups of people who are sympathetic to each other and who promise to be there for each other on a regular or even daily basis through life. A caring and warm safety net for each one. Taking responsibility for each other. Being able to count on each other, all the time. I imagine that to be very beautiful/helpful. - In these times of intense loneliness worldwide and the massiv lack of therapeutic help for depressed people, this might be a good way forward...I think.
„Today the idea has expanded to become more of a social support network, a cultural tradition for built-in companionship.
In small neighborhoods across Okinawa, friends “meet for a common purpose” (sometimes daily and sometimes a couple days a week) to gossip, experience life, and to share advice and even financial assistance when needed. They call these groups their moai.
Traditionally, groups of about five young children were paired together and it’s then that they made a commitment to each other for life. As their second family, they would meet regularly with their moai for both work and play and to pool resources.
One of the women Dan Buettner and blue zones researchers had the pleasures of meeting in Okinawa was Klazuko Manna, who, at 77 years old, was the youngest of her moai (collective age of the group was over 450!). She stressed that it isn’t just about gossip and chatter — it’s deep support and respect for each other. “Each member knows that her friends count on her as much as she counts on her friends. If you get sick or a spouse dies or if you run out of money, we know someone will step in and help. It’s much easier to go through life knowing there is a safety net.”
I would be glad if I was able to make the difference between depression support groups and Moai-groups a little clearer?
Well, you are miles ahead of me. And I have to apologize because I had not yet read the links you included at that point. I think I have gotten very used to ignoring them on Facebook or other things. With yours, I had intended to, but only now gotten around to that pomodoro technique, which I plan to start using. So, apologize for making you explain, and I can't wait to read the article from Japan. Sorry, I'm having a really hard time doing anything right now, and I'm really struggling with that. So I appreciate everything you have added. So much, so interesting, I will catch up at some point.
I hear you on that. Loneliness is not helping with depression and realizing I've isolated myself is a crushing feeling. Thank you for putting it into words where even replying makes me feel less alone.
I agree with you wholeheartedly for sure. I I'm at my best when I am out about as I am a very social friendly and outgoing person. I am at my worst when I am isolated and withdrawn which leads to a major depressive episode for me. It's so hard when you're in that episode to force yourself to go out and be social at least that is to be true for me. I have my good days and my bad days. Mondays are the worst days LOL because it's the beginning of the work week and you have to get up again in the morning early and Fridays and Saturdays are the best for me because you get to sleep in late. You're exactly right when you say that covid changed a lot of things because my nephew who's 16 rarely comes out of his room and is always on his Xbox with his friends. Thank God he's on the football team and track because other than that he's in that room interacting with a screen. I worry about kids of his generation because they have no idea how to actually socialize properly. In our day we didn't come in until the street lights came on and we're out playing in the fresh air all day into the night enjoying each other's company and that's non-existent these days. I rarely see kids outside playing basketball or catch or tag that is from days gone by at this point and everybody is so focused on their own cell phones that they never have face-to-face conversations anymore. I think that these kids are so isolated and alone so much that there's a complete and utter disconnect between all of them and I actually feel bad for them because they don't feel the closeness of what it's like to sit down and really talk to one another and get to know each other well. Hopefully by the time they get to college and are living in dorms with each other it gets a lot better for them at least I hope it does. I don't know how I would cope with being so isolated from my friends all the time and I know that I don't do well with being alone as I am a very social person. My idea of a good time growing up with getting together and all going roller skating for hours until 12:00 midnight on Friday nights and that's actually how my parents used to punish us if needed they they would tell us we couldn't go skating. I thought my wife was over LOL. I couldn't wait till the next week to see all my friends again. These days the kids idea of a good time is being alone in their rooms looking at computers or TVs and and being involved in their own personal video gaming little worlds.
I totally agree with what you're saying that social interaction is key especially when we are struggling with depression but it's so hard because when I get into my major depressive episodes I isolate and withdraw totally and I don't answer the phone for my friends when they call and they know that I'm in one of those states but God bless them they keep calling. Eventually when I can muster up the energy I call them back and explain that I was having one of my episodes and they're so understanding I have three close friends that I share these feelings with and they're all so trustworthy and supportive I feel very lucky to have them in my life. I get very worried about my nephew Robert who's 17 who's always in his room on the Xbox. If he wasn't on the football team and track I would be really worried about him because he never leaves his room. At least he has interaction with other kids his age at school and in sports on his teams. Covid begin my four year battle with this Darkness as I felt so cut off and isolated and I work from home for a year and a half and simple things like faxing a piece of paper we're made so hard for us working it was so difficult to get through that time I did cognitive behavioral therapy but my therapist was rather young so I don't think I identified with her all that much as I'm 54. I then did Psychotherapy last year after I lost my job due to my depression and then my home. That helped a lot and I journaled to get my feelings out a lot of which we're about that state job which I lost and how unhappy I was there so maybe it's a blessing in disguise you know what I mean. Unfortunately now I'm in my sister's basement with my husband and my Maine Coon cat however we are moving to Florida in September which is both exciting and scary leaving everyone and everything behind in New Jersey but it's only a 3-hour plane ride and I'm sure I'll be up to visit at least once a year probably in the fall because I love the foliage. I'll miss seeing that in Florida so I might as well come up and enjoy it then and visit with family and friends while I'm here. I'm excited to start my new chapter in life our new endeavor and begin to think of how to decorate our new home that will be ours once and for all so I'll never be in this situation ever again.
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