Seeking answers to a question I don't know.

[DageLV]

It's pretty simple.I want to die, I welcome death but I don't seek it as of yet.

I've experimented with ways to do it, knocked myself out for 30 seconds by hanging, to see if it's painless way to go. I got a plan and so on yet for some reason I'm procrastinating, i don't know why. I don't have a reason to wake up tomorrow either, it's just bland lonely emptiness, I think of ending myself every day, every hour. I talk to chatgpt looking for an answer even tho I don't know what's the question. I can't find answer to a question of "why bother living" but I don't think that's the right question.

Anyone else has had this issue? And what was your question and the answer you came to?

[TheWillowFox]

I think, perhaps, you have answered your own question. You said: It's pretty simple.I want to die, I welcome death but I don't seek it as of yet.

The question then is, why don't I seek death yet? What holds me back? And the answer: you're not ready. Life is keeping you here. There's a reason. You may never know what it is, but I think that's the answer.

I wouldn't fight that connection to life. Maybe just explore it. Why does it want you here? Maybe you'll learn something new. Best of luck!

[DageLV in reply to TheWillowFox]

Well, I like answers. If anything, I'd say the indifference /laziness is what holds me back. I don't really care what happens to me and it'd take effort to go, buy the rope and do it in forest. That's why I experimented with it before, I had everything at hand. It's not my apartment, I'm just renting, so I don't want to do it here

[C9elegans]

Hello D. I think almost everyone living will ask that existential question at some point in their lifetime, and it's a bit difficult to come up with a "satisfying" answer, especially if you're in a depressive state of mind.

I've asked myself that question many many times before, and the one thing I hv understood (after all that I've been thru, seen, heard, etc) is that living my life is better than ending it. Life is hard (I mean really really sh***y at times), but it's the only one I have and there's no other.

I don't know what difficulties you're facing at this time, and no one knows what the future will bring. So, instead of planning your "end", why not plan your life? Take care.

[DageLV in reply to C9elegans]

its not rly "whats the meaning of life" type of question. when i look for reasons to live, i cant find any. Loved ones? Dont have any. Family? Dont have any. Friends? Dont have any. Things may get better? I got nearly 2 decades saying thats wrong. Im introverted, i hate interracting with people, therefore my future at best will be just as bad as it is now. ive been depressed for about 17-18 years, theraphy cant fix that because i dont know what it means to be "normal". My "normal" is apathy and hateful self indifference.

Living is better than ending it. Why? If i end it, everything ends. Thats good. If i continue to live, whats the good part?

[Blank72]

I don't think you are really here looking for an answer, but perhaps seeking acceptance, and maybe hoping for approval that ending it all is ok. The struggle to keep going is very real and relatable, but something deep inside of you pushes you to keep going, keep fighting to live. I hope you will consider exploring that, seeking out the answer to "What's keeping me here?" You will find that you are not lazy, nor indifferent. You still have some sliver of hope and desire to keep living. Give yourself the grace to accept that small drop of hope and see where it takes you. I have struggled with major depressive disorder and severe anxiety for over 30 years and was recently diagnosed with bipolar. I wanted to end it all more times than I can count. And I tried to more times than I care to admit. You can find motivation to keep living if you allow yourself. I think more people will miss you than you realize. Can I suggest you pay a visit to your local animal rescue? I bet you will find something, be it a dog or cat, that will connect with you and give you a glimmer of hope. Adopt a rescue animal and feel the unconditional love they can give you. Let that give you a reason to wake up in the morning. I adopted my rescue dog last July after my last attempt to end things. She has given me a light I didn't think I was ever going to see.

Please don't give up on yourself. You have a purpose here even if you don't feel like you do. It's hard to admit it and accept it, but it is true. And you do matter in this world.

[DageLV in reply to Blank72]

yeah. its a possible answer, that i do seek purpose or acceptance, tho i dont think im fighting to live. if i cross a street and car isnt slowing down, i wont "hurry to cross" or whatever, ill just ignore it. if it hits me, it hits me. as i said, i welcome the end but i dont seek it as of yet.

Im uncertain of my future because as of now, its non existant and i wouldnt want to put an animal in this situation, im away from home for more than 12 hours a day, therefore i cant have a dog and cats... well... theyre cats, i cant quite connect with em.

[Wildwynd]

I very much understand how you are feeling. I've felt this way many many times in my life and I truly know what it feels like to be blase about whether you live or not.

Personally, I think, from reading your answers, you are very young. Please believe me when I say there is a reason that your brain is kind of protecting you from ending up in the predicament that you suggest in your post.

What I wouldn't give to be 17-18 years old again!! To have my entire life ahead of me the freedom to choose to do whatever I wanted to do in my life. I understand, I have suffered from MDD, Anxiety, Bipolar, BPD, and PTSD for most of my life and it has always been a great struggle with the question "why bother living".

But, I have to tell you at the age you are that you really do have so much in front of you... Please don't decide to end everything at 18, because there is truly so many things that are yet to happen for you! From a 50 year old lady, you are just a baby. That is not meant as an insult, but you are truly so young and I would give anything to have that time back.

Youth is a wonderful, amazing gift. You are still finding out who in the world you are and deciding things about who you want to be in the future, what you want to do to pursue your passions, and creating places in your heart to truly love things in your life that you never expected.

Even though I am a great advocate for ending the suffering of the living, I really believe that you should hold on longer because I do believe that life will begin to offer you opportunities that can create situations in which you could find happiness. Things will be SO RADICALLY different when you're 20 than they are even now that I believe you will be a happy person in making the decision to stick around for a while and see what happens. Some pretty incredible things can happen in just a few short years....

At 18, you don't know anything, please believe me. Coming from someone who wanted to show the world what a grown adult that they were, please take my word for that. Life is a pretty crazy, amazing thing, and you never know what is around the next corner...

[DageLV in reply to Wildwynd]

im 24. my "happy" memories kinda end at around the age of 6, aka 18 ish years of this. i dont have the communication skills to begin talking to women, im boring, so i dont have anything to talk with them about. While i do desire a relationship, i dont know what to do with it once id get it, therefore i dont want to as im too old for first relationships. These days relationships dont last long either, therefore most i can expect from life is a permanent state of loneliness. no purpose, no reason to exist.

[NoOneReallyKnowsMe]

I think about this a lot too, the welcoming without seeking, and have now for about 14/15 years. Imagining it like Defcon levels, I would say I typically find myself going between 4 and 2; Defcon 1 has happened, but not many times and I've survived since. I do have the privilege of family and some friends, who I know would be devastated and as a result help to keep me alive, but it doesn't fix everything. I struggle daily, hourly, and have continuously with very little hope or grace.

However if you asked me "why bother living?", I wouldn't really know how to answer you other than "why not?" Nobody actually knows for certain what comes in death; everything we do know, we know about life. In death you won't have trees, or plants or the breeze. It's definitely something different, technically the only other option when it comes to existence, and I understand how that makes it appealing when everything else is awful. That's at least why it's appealing to me. That being said, death is also one of the only concrete absolutes in life. If it comes to everyone eventually, why not try to keep up and see where things go? You never know what you might get up to or accomplish, especially after your 20's.

Life always continues and can become overbearing; it's important to be kind to yourself when you're feeling shit. I'm also in my 20's, and know that I have a lot of time ahead of me. You do as well, still really young, so why not see where you're at at 30? Fuck it. Do something nice for yourself. It's hard to find ways to warm the soul, but not impossible. I think I read in a comment that you don't really have people, I'm sorry man. I would still want you to think about the consequences of your actions, even how a stranger would do finding you. There is kindness in the world, and care, that could come from anyone, even yourself or people you've known. That's still something I'm working on, but the kindness of random people does often surprise me.