Gulp, trying to swallow my pain

[Raggedy-Ann]

Hello Everyone. I am a mess of sadness and loneliness mixed with some crazy impulsive behavior. The holidays are such a mind f*&K for me. It makes my empty life that much more vivid and painful. Yesterday a friend of mine posted how he proposed and she said yes, on Thanksgiving. I didn't know he had a GF now fiancé. He never said a word. There is one photo with her in it. I am happy for him, he has been waiting and looking for someone for,..decades. We have had a great flirt going on for about 30 years. It is just that he lives in Las Vegas and I don't. We both knew that if he and I lived in the same place that we would be together. I started to cry when I read about the engagement. I know if I allow myself to cry I might not stop. I got out of bed and tried to distract myself. I made some turkey and vegetable soup in my crockpot. I cleaned the kitchen floor and then installed some trim between the cabinets and the floor. There I was on my belly on the floor thinking to myself, how hard it was for me to congratulate him, but I did and wrote him nice note. I am a bit heartbroken as I wished it was me. When I got up from the floor it was 1:30 AM. I feel like I am a gross, fat, ugly lump of a human that nobody will love.

[Herewegoagain12]

I'm the same way at the holidays. I have a small family, they are all very close. My problem is that they have always celebrated together especially when I was drinking. Now 7.5 years sober I struggle at the gatherings because topics at the table are memories that I missed. And so I have nothing to contribute to the discussion. Between my liver transplant and the anti rejection drugs it is killing me (CKD 4). This season. Will be the hardest. I've recently diagnosed with COPD and potentially issues with my heart. To be honest all I can think about is being so sick I become bed ridden. Not sure if I'll lose my sanity or my body. But its a lot. I'm just so tired

[Raggedy-Ann in reply to Herewegoagain12]

My family used to do the I remember when stories and banter with unkind humor. One year my Mom put a stop to it. She said she wants to know what we are doing now, and that we are grown adults and she was tired of picking on each other. She was right. We started talking about our lives, current events..... You might try to ask or swing the conversation other directions. Ask your family easy questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves and respond. It is hard as hell to be ill and depressed both in a major way. I too have COPD and it has been a struggle in addition MDD. I ended up with both arms in braces from separate accidents last winter. I had the same thoughts. I spent months in bed with my dogs. Family dropped by once in awhile. They weren't willingly helpful. My sister washed my hair once. My brothers would open twist top things for me. It sucked. It is okay to rest. Don't watch the news it triggers depression. Aim for comedy and stand up comedians, play some games that will keep your mind engaged. I hope this was helpful.