Negative self-esteem and trying on self-respect for size.. I don't know what to do please Help me!! 🤞

[Montana136]

This is a very long story. And it would be so very helpful if you could stick it out but I understand if you don't. I tried to edit and I keep re reading, it's rambling kind of but I'm that distressed.I have clinical diagnosis of major depressive disorder, anxiety, PTSD, for over 40 years. I have been in and out of episodic severe depression more times than I care to count. And I am always the one that pulls myself out. I do take antidepressants and some anti anxiety meds I do participate in individual therapy and group therapy and have been doing this for over 30 years.My reliable reasonable and previously stable BFF of 35 years who knows that I have severe episodic depression anxiety and ptsd, interfered and convinced my daughter, who I already have a fractured relationship with, convinced my kid that she is right AND I am wrong and making horrible accusations against her..

.. Since the very day my BFF spoke with my daughter about the situation between ME and BFF, my daughter has actually been hostile angry cold and distant towards me since mother's day. And it is now october, four and a half months later

I don't believe anyone on any continent, should interfere between a parent and a child unless that child is observed being abused by that parent.

This is my dilemma...

I don't have low self esteem I have negative self-esteem. My best friend of 35 years who has been very important very supportive and very reassuring to me especially in my times of feeling very sad. She has been very good to me despite the fact that she does not suffer mental illness like I do. Now she is medically ill for 10 years now, autoimmune disorders most recently possible cancer.

I suffered a very traumatic episode 8 years ago I became severely depressed. for my daughter's own well-being I didn't think she should be with me. I could not take care of myself my bills my house my life my child.

I put my daughter with my mother who is a good stable woman and she lives 3 miles away. During this time my daughter came to hate me very quickly and she and my best friend became close, while my daughter was suffering pain over the separation from her mother, my best friend guided, advised and comforted my daughter And also encourage my daughter to come back to me, to not hate her mom. My best friend for 35 years has served me and my daughter well. Until now!!

Situation....

BFF lives out of town , booked and paid for vacation plans with my daughter over the summer and accidentally booked mother's day.

That was not the problem the problem was that neither my daughter nor my best friend told me. I accidentally figured it out. 10 days before mom's day. I was very hurt and felt disrespected by both of them.

Because I have a fractured relationship with my daughter, mother's Day and my birthday are the only possible days in which that I might get a card with recognition compassion honesty straightforwardness and gratitude from my daughter. And any freaking holiday means the world to me.

when they did not tell me I felt left out I felt like I was insignificant I felt it was very inconsiderate. I felt hurt and angry. With both of them. When they realize they booked a holiday BFF told my daughter you better tell your mother. That's all.

I did not admonish my daughter for not telling me as she can be a bit immature, selfish as most 20 years olds are, focused mainly on full time University, engaging with boys and angry with her mother. everybody knows my daughter does not tell me what a mother really should know and does not share important things with me openly.

Also important, prior to vacation, my best friend knew this and more. I had been in a long-term episode of severe depression and very sad, she also knew at the time I was feeling suicidal ideation. This friend knows all the scary details that are inappropriate to tell a child. I would never tell my child things like that.

I never said the word suicide and I feel like, in the same sentence. Ever. She didn't directly make any comments about that statement I said. But she did indicate that she had an understanding of what I was saying.

Because of negative self-esteem feeling worthless since I was 10 years old I do not often speak up for myself but for previous four months to this situation, I had been putting my hand on my heart and telling myself and my inner child that I will protect myself, I will respect myself, I will require myself and others to honor my boundaries, and that I will speak up for myself when I'm hurt. And that's what I did I spoke up and texted my best friend that I was devastated hurt angry disrespected that she didn't even bother to tell me they booked mother's Day together.. I did not use foul language I did not call her names I expressed how I felt. In this text to her.

Oh boy did this upset my friend!! I have never seen her act this vicious before in 35 years.

I have discovered that my daughter's loyalties lay with my best friend and my best friend has easily convinced her with her verbal skills and self-righteousness , that I am the bad guy in this situation.

I am infuriated with my friend I am angry with my daughter for continuing to be mad at me and daughter had never even asked me what happened to me, why I wrote that text to my best friend.

I am sad and actually traumatized a bit over this fucking thing.

So here's the dilemma it has been 6 months since I talked to my friend really.

I loved her deeply before my daughter was ever even born. She had been good to me for so very long. She encouraged my daughter to reconnect with me she has advised my daughter of so many good logical foundational principles in my absence. But I find I am still very angry!

I told my friend, that it is not the time for me to be making such intense decisions while I'm severely depressed, overwhelmed, trying to recover emotional stability all while repeatedly being traumatized in the last 8 years.

she thinks she's right and I think she interfered between me and my daughters recovery.

I have been angry for longer than I have ever been angry in my life. For my own self-respect I am thinking I have to give up a very important 35 year sisterhood relationship with my best friend.

OMG!!! I've never done this before....

Left somebody anybody, that disrespected me, crossed my boundaries and then got hostile and accused me of some horrid things I'd done to her, some examples of which are firmly against my beliefs, principles and values..

I may be mentally ill but I do not go around gossiping about people's private business. I require solid as evidence before I accuse somebody of something. I am just, fair and courteous to everyone except my self!!

I am usually the one that says sorry and bows out takes the blame takes the hurt and that is why I have such a severe problem with depression. I have not respected my own boundaries and I have allowed too many too too many people cross my boundaries and disrespect me.

I don't know how to do this!!

Any suggestions would be so greatly appreciated any encouragement any support any ideas any statements I don't care something please help. If you got to the end of this long story thank you so much and please respond if you can. Take care of yourself and be well

Montana

[Luvmyboston]

Wow! The fact that you made it through posting all that is amazing. From reading this whole thing, I see the deep strength that you do have. I agree with you that you need to have boundaries and stand up for yourself. I to struggle with that at times . I left my husband two years ago. We had been married almost 30 years and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life. I think for those of us with depression it’s especially hard because honestly we are very empathetic, compassionate people. I feel the reason that we are depressed a lot is because we actually see things in Reality. And many people are good at just living life and being oblivious. What a brave amazing step to have your daughter go live with your mother when you knew you were in a rough spot. There were times that I had to have caregivers for my kids so I could go through intensive therapy or other things with my depression. I don’t think there’s anything that hurts more than somebody coming between a mother and child the mama bear inside of me wants to rise up and growl at you BFF, I’m very sorry to hear that you are losing this friendship and how much it’s affecting your relationship with your daughter. The one thing I have learned in raising four kids, three daughters, is that the early 20s is the hardest stage, but they come back around they’re just figuring things out you stay true to yourself, protect that inner child, and stand up for what’s right. Your daughter will take notice. It may just take a little bit.

[Montana136 in reply to Luvmyboston]

Thank you so much for that response it's what I needed to hear. Yeah trying on self-respect for size is not easy. I have been crying a lot. I'm also going to confront my daughter about her disrespect of me. I've been patient I've been caring I've been loving I've been supportive I've been encouraging. But she's not communicating with me she doesn't share with me she's kind of rude at times very distant I am just over it right now. But I cry a lot about it. You're right I remember myself in the twenties I knew nothing but I really thought I knew everything. I really appreciate your support and encouragement I love my best friend but I am telling her I just cannot continue our friendship at this time. I don't know what the future looks like but I think the most important part is that I do what makes me happy. I can only change me and my life.

I see that you understand and you are so brave for leaving someone after 30 years. I cannot even conceive how difficult that must have been. I am alone because I pick abusive guys. I am better off alone right now anyway. But I feel lonely and that is new to me I have not felt lonely until the last 6 years of my life. Since I sent my daughter to my mom. And I've spent a lot of time unattached single and living alone. I used to thrive in it, being alone that is.

thank you so much I hope I can hear more from you. I need somebody to talk to sometimes. Take care of yourself be wellMontana

[Luvmyboston in reply to Montana136]

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