Death scares just a glimpse

[Doubledog]

Thoughts are only what they are for a blink of an eye. You are in pain and you have been for years from the exhaustion of depression. You don’t really want to end your life as you have too many people that love you or that you love. Just for a moment though you think what if. What if I overdosed or took too many sleep meds. The problem is it will just cause others pain. I can’t leave my dogs, my husband, my brother but I’m also feeling so much pain that no one around me is aware of, only my therapist. I’m weaning off one med and have not ever experienced the pain of this withdrawal. It shocks me that for how good the science is that we have we are so far from better solutions for depression. I have so many emotions from anger towards a co worker that has caused me more pain and mental anguish to sadness that I live a life like this. It was supposed to be different. I wasn’t supposed to turn out this way! I feel crazy and sometimes it feels good to say it out loud here!

[PeaceNeed]

Alot of what you said could discribe me. Except I dont have family of my own. I felt need to seclud myself . I was in pain from young age.

[Doubledog in reply to PeaceNeed]

I'm so sorry to hear. I know that as I have lost more and more family,. I have tried to find friends that are like family. I can't imagine how hard this is. I have a hard enough time with the loss of both of my parents. I'm so sorry. If I can help - I'm always happy to talk. Loss of family is horrible and possibly never having family that supported you or where in your life must be unbearable. We need to find others or just one other who can help. I also get a lot of my love from my dogs since they don't need to understand me although they do, my older one can tell when I'm sad and in need. The puppy doens't care. I think my next dog is going to be a golden retriever even if I can't find a rescue as they seem like lovers and cuddlers. I am wishing you well and believe you should be loved.

[PeaceNeed in reply to Doubledog]

Thank you for your very kind words. I'm in pain physical and emotional every day. I hate waking up. I know Im very negative , reason mostvother people dont want to be around me. Ive drawn angry hostile reactions from others who lose patience with me.Im terrified of what will happen to me when I become so dysfunctional I cant take care of myself anymore.

[Doubledog in reply to PeaceNeed]

I worry as well about my disease getting worse. I can only take life day by day. I am learning distraction helps me ie: puzzle, hobby, anything that might redirect my mind for awhile.

[PeaceNeed]

I think im passed distraction. I dont sleep well because of mentally ill neighbor above me. I just want out. I cant take anymore. I dont belong in this world anymore.

[Doubledog]

Your worth the struggle to keep going.