Am I losing my marbles?? Sensitive post so please don't judge

My brain is playing such bad tricks on me. I feel like I'm losing Who I am! Why am I so angry? Why am I hearing things? Why am I losing my temper? I have a constant fever, my head feels crushed and full of bad thoughts, not that I would EVER act on them. Telling me to walk into the road with my son making me want to smash the kitchen up because I burnt tea or wanting to throw my cup at my partner because there's too much milk in my tea! It's insane! I'm confused constantly and I Never want company anymore but I hate being alone. I can't eat or Sleep. BEing sick is terrifying me since I used to have an eating disorder and I WILL NOT go down that dark path again. WHen I had my son I visualized pushing him in the road but I Thought it was post natal depression and it pased eventually but the last 6 months its escalated to the point I'm shaking myself and I feel like a failure as a mum and partner can someone Tell me What this is and How to make it stop!!!!

[MandieR]

you definately need to go and speak to your gp too xxx

[Hidden]

What do I say? THey are useless at the best of times

[Hidden]

XXx

[jo100]

I know where youre coming from. When I was in a bad place I felt ashamed. I made a list of all the things I was feeling. I took it in to my appointment and handed it to the gp. I got the help I needed immediately. I urge you to do the same. Things will get better. Also why not print out your blog and show him that. Good luck. Xd

[luppychick]

Lupus phycosis is real, it effects the mind in ways which you have described. You are not mad you have another strand to this terrible illness. DO NOT be ashamed about mental illness check on the NHS website under phycosis if you don't belive me. I have been where you have and you need to see your Doctor ASAP please this is another strand to lupus this deasease effects your brain and your thought patterns please seek help!

Healing hugs

Luppychick x

[tremarel]

Arh bless your heart, you are really suffering arn't you. You are not alone. You really do need to talk to someone. You say it just as you wrote this message. It sounds as if you got something going on either with the lupus or maybe one of the drugs you take needs adjusting. There are loads of things that can & should be looked at. From low vitamin D levels to thyroid problems. Please let me know how you are doing. I've had times like this but haven't lasted long thank goodness. Everything & everybody just seems so horrible doesn't it, you feel so nasty within & you just try to keep it to yourself don't you & it's very difficult. I put it down to hormones but I should have mentioned it to my consultant. I so hope it all soon calms down for you. Feel free to message me if I can be of some help.

All the best Hayley x

[Sher78]

Babe I was exactly where u r a while ago. Despite me ranting madly at my Rheumy, he denied it was too do with lupus & basically thought my 'coping mechanism' had broken down lol! Lucky, my psych, GP & Neuro all backed me up when I went in armed with loads of paperwork about how certain illnesses can push u in2 psychosis & yup, lupus is 1 of them. U need 2 go speak 2 u're Doc my lovely & get some help, whether it b meds or counselling, then u're rheumy needs 2 get a neuro assessment done just 2 make sure everything's as it should b x

[brave in reply to Sher78]

Sher can i ask what treatment you had for lupus psychosis please?thanks brave

[Sher78 in reply to brave]

Started off on a course of antidepressants (which I no longer take) & am on antipsychotics until the psychosis passes (which I have been assured WILL happen).

Also had regular psych sessions (until he confirmed that I was NOT a nutty old bird & medication rather than counselling was needed in my case due 2 it being a 'medical' problem rather than anything else).

[brave in reply to Sher78]

More questions??what kinda anti-psych meds can i ask ?how did you respond to anti-depressents?im truly depressed and so emotional due to the change in life and constant pain ,but now depressed also ,dont know what to do ?also it def in the past has affected my brain as i remember always suffering undue anxiety and worry ,now its the whole shabang;(thanks

[Sher78 in reply to brave]

They won't just hand out antipsych meds, u have 2 have all the tests done & c a psych first. I was having visual & auditory hallucinations & delusions of grandeur etc I've tried 3 different types including Seroquel & Aripiprazole. It's not something 2 b considered lightly as side effects can b savage. They don't stop the problems but they dumb them down enough, for example, I no longer c men in my garden waving madly at me ;0)

I personally didn't find the antidepressants had any effect on me. They kept upping the dosage thinking I maybe needed something stronger but I think once I explained how & felt & WHY I felt the way I did, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders & gave me that little extra push I needed. I know a few people with lupus who have taken them & have found them really helpful. Guess it all depends on how each of us respond 2 meds :0/

[brave in reply to Sher78]

Thankyou,for plenty info no men in my garden,just a few spiders and cockroaches from time to time on my walls and coffee table been there for years doesnt scare me anymore because i know why their there now,and just good old dispair from chronic pain and lack off sleep ,im utterly depressed ,and feel docs arent taking me seriously ,thanks sher ;)happy days

[Sher78 in reply to brave]

Bless u brave. That's the problem, the docs all tend 2 think we're just fragile, overemotional little women & can't seem 2 grasp the fact that lupus can actually mess with our heads.

I think it would b worth giving the antidepressants a try, even if they just give u a little 'lift' but I would ask about counselling or something as well, they can't expect u 2 go on feeling like this Big hugs x

[brave in reply to Sher78]

Thankyou x

[Hidden]

Thank you so much everyone I'm Glad its not me seeing my rheumy tomoro so ill Tell her everything, I wrote it all down today after I did my blog needed to have another release. I'll b bk on tomoro night and I'll let you all no How it went Thank you again for the replies Xxxxx

[mstr]

Bless you loubielou, it's not you and you are brave for being able to tell us how you feel. Sending you a hug and hoping you get it sorted xxx

[jo100]

Good luck with your doc tomorrow. Thinking of you. Xx

[whisky]

go to your Dr lupus can make a monster out of us all Take Care

[jemmyjemjem]

good luck today .... I get to the point i am so angry I can barely see through the red mist ... luckily it hasn't been about since i started on meds ... but like you I have never mentioned it to the rhumie or doc, so maybe I need to ... let us know how you get on xxx

[brave]

YOu are a very brave person for your honesty ,make sure you mention everything ,since being in a 12month flare and having everything taken away from me and spending far to much time alone (not through choice)I get how hard this must be for you ,keep your chin up x

[Coppernob]

Also, loubielou, could any of the drugs you're already taking be causing or contributing to the mental symptoms? Steroids for instance?

[MandaM]

Please can i send you a big (((((((HUG)))))), it's there for when you want. Hope you manage to get your doctor to hear you today and take action to help you towards a better place and a happier you. Rememer that there are plenty of other hospital doctors and GP's around, you don't have to stick with one who doesn't listen! GP's surgeries often have several partners in the practise, when you make an appointment you just try each one of them until you find the one for you. Good luck! x

[Nightjar]

Most lupies, including me, seem to suffer emotionally and mentally from time to time. I have suffered from terrible mood-swings in the past - with short fuse and bad temper etc. I could feel so angry, and not knowing why would just lead to more anger. I'm not on any medication, but knew someone who got terrible mental problems, including paranoia, which turned out to be due to some of his medication not working well together. Things got a lot better once it got sorted. People can't be too careful checking up on medication. A pharmacist is the best person to give that information, as doctors may not always have the full knowledge. Thinking of you and hope seeing your rheumy today has helped and that things get easier soon. BIG hug xxx

[roobarb]

Dear loubie-lou

I really feel for you. I've had these feelings myself. My GP was great & sent me straight to A&E as I was in a terrible state. I was so scared to tell anyone, because I thought they would lock me up. But everyone was wonderful. At A&E there are members of the mental health team on call there for these situations, & they were wonderful. It was like they took the weight of the world off my shoulders for the first time in years. From there I was referred for counseling.

My point is, if you feel at risk at any time phone the Samaritans, or go to A&E. The staff are trained to deal with these situations. Don't put yourself or your family at risk. Remember this is not your fault, you deserve all the help you can get.

Take care. X

[Hidden]

I posted a blog explaining everything Xxxx

[Paty]

You are so brave to admitting to these feelings,so you are halfway to sorting it! Please see your GP (I do hope you have e good and understanding one) Sending you a big hug ....{ }

[SHUBHIKAOJHA]

All your feelings could not just a state of mind, Do ask your GP to check your B12 or iron deficiency. B12 anaemia can also cause such symptoms. I know that because I've gone through it and I feel better after a shot of B 12 every 3 months.

[Hidden]

THey are doing more tests just gotta wait on the results xxx

[kittykat68]

hi hun , before i was diagoised i went through the same , my son has aspergus hes 15 now but when he was 6/7 . i though i was having a nervous breakdown i was told i was going through my change (at 35!!!) i was giving sleeping tablets and anti depressants back then i was no where near cautious of the meds i took as i believed everything the doctors told me , it sad really as i have no faith in any of my rhemy/dermy/thoracic meds, i suffer bad side effects from methotrexate but dont bother to go 2 drs unless it last for 5 days, but sometimes ive just had enough, i cant wait ubtil my sons 30 and married off so then i dont have to keep taking these tablets x