Photosensitive

[copdber]

Hi I can't go in the sun if I do I go into a flair and can be sick for up to 6 or more weeks from coming back from a sun holiday. Two years ago after a very bad flair I decided that sun hols were out from now on. I stupidly thought that hubby was alright with this and we could holiday at home or go on different types of hols. Kids are grown up and live with the partners so not a prob having to take them.

Last week hubby informed me he was going on a sun hol with some of his family this Sat. I'm trying to feel ok with this and am telling myself that it's that has the helth probs not him. My grown up kids thinks that it's good his going as he loves to get away and they are all set for me to spend time with them.

I am sooo sad. Sad that my hubby would go with out me after all these years together he hasn't even tried to go on hols when I could go he keeps saying you can't do anthing in the rain. It just goes to show haw you can fool yourself. I might me selfish thing this but it's what I'm thinking I'm keeping a smile on my face but I think I'm dying inside.

[Purpletop]

Oh no, that's not fair! Why hasn't told you from the beginning how he was feeling about it, at least you could have both discussed it and maybe you would have suggested he goes with his family yourself. You must feel awful. I would have hit the roof. You need to tell him that you're hurt he didn't speak to you before taking the decision, I wdnt put a brave face on, otherwise he won't know he did something wrong and then what next?? How disappointed you must be.

[copdber in reply to Purpletop]

Purpletop if I say anything now I'll just have the row over nothing he'll go anyway and in the mean time he'll just sulk . Guess I just didn't want to see what was in front of my eyes all along. If he was intrested in holidaying with me he would have done so guess he's fed up with me not being able to do what he wants to do like go for a drink, smoke. We have nothing in common anymore.

[copdber in reply to copdber]

I posted to soon but I am surprised you understand how I feel I thought I would be told how sef=lfish I am and how I shouldn't let the green eyed monster out.

[Purpletop in reply to copdber]

It isn't that you are selfish, it is that a marriage is supposed to be equal and based on trust. He showed you that he didn't trust you to understand how unhappy he was with not having holidays in the sun anymore and went to the other extreme of ignoring your view altogether. That's not on in a marriage and he needs to hear it. It is he that is being selfish, doesn't he think you would love to go in the sun? And to put you in the situation of put up or shut up is disrespectful. I know you'd rather drop the argument for an easier life but that would only mean resentment on your part and the acknowledgment for him that he can now disregard your views any time he doesn't like them. I understand that now is not the right moment to discuss it but I would not let it go and still raise it after his return. The chances are he will feel guilty being there without you anyway, so raising this on his return could be more beneficial.

Obviously I see this from a distance, you are in the middle of it and only you can assess whats best moving forward, I hope you don't mind my going on about it.

[copdber in reply to Purpletop]

Your right Purpletop about the resenment because that's just how I feel. I did say to him last night that I hope his family knows that I CAN'T go in the sun for health reasons and not because I don't like their company. He just said ye they know that and that was it.

My daughter asked him how he felt about going with out me and he told her that I had gone away with out him and he never stoped me going anywhere he wanted to go and he was going. I went away with my girl friends the year we were 40 that was 15 years ago. He must have been thinking about it I had forgoten all about it until my daughter said it to me. Was he waiting all that time to get his own back.

This seems to be going from bad to worse.

[Purpletop in reply to copdber]

No, I'll bet that he's trying to convince himself he is doing the right thing, he does feel guilty to an extent, so he gets belligerent rather than justify it to you. You're right, no point discussing this with him now but I still think you should raise it when he's back. I know it will be awfully difficult to keep it bottled for so long but is best out. And it doesn't need to be a fight, just say your piece and say you don't want to argue but you thought you'd tell him your view of the whole situation. Calmly, rather than shouting, otherwise he'll go on his high horse about you going away etc... Sometimes our spouses behave like children! Hang in there, it may turn up not to be that bad. And if it is, at least you know you've done everything you could. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you. x

[copdber in reply to Purpletop]

Thanks Purpletop for your support. I'll make the best of the week and then talk camley with him when he gets back. Maybe it will backfire on him and I find I'm quiet happy on my own.

[Melinda]

We stopped going abroad a few years ago, after i diagnosed with subacute cutaneous lupus. I just couldn't face being in hot country dressed head to toe. The sun is most definately not my friend. I used to love wearing shorts and t shirts when we were on holiday.

We now take our holidays in the UK. There are many places here we haven't visited, and we've been all over the med in the past. My husband misses going abroad as i do, but is happy to holiday here at home. As long as we are together he is happy.

You are most certainly not being selfish in expecting him to support you and to take a holiday with you. (In sickness and in health) and all that.

[copdber in reply to Melinda]

Melinda thank you for understanding. That is the way I feel too. I'm keeping the bright side out but in side I'm a mess I feel very down.

[norma52]

Hi copdber, I agree with Melinda and Purpletop. I am photosensitive as well and have to wear a Factor 60 sun block throughout the summer - whether the sun is shining or not! If I don't, and I catch the sun, I go into a flare. I am very very lucky in that my husband is really understanding and we always plan holidays over what I am able to do. He does spend a few weekends in the course of the year visiting his sister who is 76 and a widow. My husband tidies her garden ready for the winter and does any odd jobs she needs done. Mind you, I could go with him if I wanted to but I chose to stay at home and have some 'me' time. He has breathing problems and I can't light candles when he is here - but they all get lit as soon as he is out of the door! Family and friends help when he is away but I really enjoy having a wee break though it is always lovely to see him coming home. Maybe you could treat the time your husband is away as your 'me' time? Having said that, I would also use some of the time to plan a wee holiday for myself - if it's good enough for him it's good enough for you. You never said if he works or not but if he does chose a time when he is working and has to come home to an empty house. Let him see what it's like. See if you can get some friend or family member to come with you - or even a crowd of them. Have a girls holiday that he is excluded from! I can't think of any more advice but try to keep your chin up and come on to have a good old moan anytime you like!!

[Purpletop in reply to norma52]

I agree with the 'me' time, sometimes we all need it. Having said that, organizing a holiday soon after his may make him see it as tit-for-tat, so he'll then do something else to show he doesn't care and so on. Some people are that competitive!

[copdber]

I can't believe the understanding you all have given me at least I know you'll be all hear if I need a "sholder" to cry on.

[Purpletop in reply to copdber]

How are you, is he back? Are things any better now?

[copdber]

Hi Purpletop, he's back tomorrow. I had a good week I ate out two nights with friends and went to the cinima with my daughter another evening my sisters also came to visit and tonight I'm out again. I'm soooooo tired but the week flew. Hubby rang everyday and from what he was saying he wasen't having as good a time as he thought he would have. So tomorrow night I think we will have to have a very long chat.

How are you doing? hope you had a good week.

[Purpletop in reply to copdber]

Sounds promising, I'm glad he called each day, showed he was missing you and didn't feel right to him that you weren't there. Awww, so sweet.

I'm ok apart from the fact that for some reason if I sleep on my tummy, the side of the face and neck on to which I sleep gets numb during the night. No idea why, how weird is that??

Good luck tomorrow x