Lupus and date dilemma

[Comeonpeeps]

Hi all, hope you're doing well.

So, I'll do the first part in bullet points;

I'm highly sensitive to the sun

Been online dating for years on and off, last couple of years very happily single and not looking.

Recently put in the time and effort to find someone, dodged a lot of bullets, but now it feels like I've connected really well with someone through talking, and we've both decided that we're really looking forward to meeting.

He ticks lots of boxes, seems really attentive and interested, with have a lot in common and there's been no mention of sex (something very important to me).

I deliberately picked a day which I thought was going to be cloudy,it's now changed and I'm gutted. The forcast has said it's going to be cloudy/part cloudy for days.

I really don't want to cancel. SO - do I cancel and put it back? Tell him my situation? (I wasn't going to tell him about the Lupus yet and one guy was put off by it a few years back) Shall I tell him I'd rather wait until we can meet indoors? He'll think it's strange as I've expressed a few times (as has he) that I'm excited to meet. Do I tell him all all and give him the chance to think about whether he wants to date someone who can't go in the sun at all/go on holidays? OR choose a locaton more ideal (like a forest that I've been to before - a lot under cover?)

I'm so fed up with this disease. I'm not just a bit sensitive it's crazy, sun gets through my clothes, and sunscreen doesn't help. I'm not going to fork out lots of money just for UV clothing. What option shall I take please?

We were going to go for a walk with my dog, because after work he is desperate for a walk, so was going to tie it in. Shall I just sort the dog out locally first and then choose a pub with outdoor covering? But is that not happening until 12th April?

Thank you.

[Comeonpeeps]

I think I've found a pub that serves coffee outdoors under cover, in the location we agreed to meet, but I'm still going to have to explain it!

[Comeonpeeps in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Nope you have to take the coffee away

[KayHimm in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Great way of adapting! You don’t have to go into a lot lof detail if you don’t want to. I just say I am “allergic to the sun” in certain circumstances. It is not untrue and, anyway, he is only going to want to make sure he makes you happy. 😀

Have a good time!

K

[Comeonpeeps in reply to KayHimm]

Thank you for the reply. That's a good thing to say. I think I'm going to take the dog out at his usual time in my local shaded spot, and meet him a little later, say about 4, when the sun isnt at it's peak! He doesn't know what time I finish work so I could work it that way.

[Comeonpeeps in reply to Comeonpeeps]

I really appreciate the help as I've got myself worked up about this.

[KayHimm in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Perfect

[Krazykat26 in reply to Comeonpeeps]

That sounds like the perfect plan 🤗meeting him later when the sun's not so strong!! Good luck on your date 🍀🍀🌈😽😽xx

[Comeonpeeps in reply to KayHimm]

KayHimm when would you mention it. Assuming I have a second date - do it then or later, do I just do it when ready? x

[KayHimm in reply to Comeonpeeps]

You have introduced a really important topic .. and likely painful for many whether in dealing with friends, family or when dating.

I have a feeling you will know when it feels comfortable. You want to get to know him a bit.

Just keep telling yourself he wants to know you. You may have an illness, but you have so much more, including how much you know about compassion, life’s unpredictability and a lot more.

😉

[Comeonpeeps in reply to KayHimm]

Thank you, yes I agree totally with what you're saying. I cant let it define me!

[katidid in reply to KayHimm]

❤️

[miccika1 in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Comeonpeeps i have a feeling you need to read a book "why men love bitches" :). Give it a try. It's a bit outdated but there are a few good points that will really help you with questions you are asking.

[katidid in reply to KayHimm]

So agreed and the sun thing is thankfully one of the ones that ppl are usually really cool about. I always joke that pale is in style (it is!!) or I’m “photophobic”. Once I proposed “shadow hopping” vs hiking. That got a good laugh, and we had a fun walk trying to find the shadiest streets and darting from shady spot to shady spot.

Flip it into a positive and you’ll have a good time

[KayHimm in reply to katidid]

So true! I often think how lucky I am that there is sunscreen, which wasn’t even around when I was a child. And yes, protecting yourself from sun is very “healthy” among the cool set. Think Nicole Kidman. She doesn’t let a UV ray touch that face. 😅

Have you seen the hats with face veils? They have been life-changing for me. I may go sailing on my next vacation. 😎

How are you?

California is in better shape virus wise, right? New York is heading up again.

😘

[katidid in reply to KayHimm]

We’re steady but heading up. Vaccination rollout has been a disaster. They dumped almost all autoimmune and high risk ppl from the upfront tiers. Put us in with gen pop. Got super lucky and one of my docs found a loophole to get me in before that happens. After April 15, I plan on hiding under a rock until the chaos settles.

I guess that counts as shade, right? 😂

[KayHimm in reply to katidid]

The whole system regarding vaccine priorities is insane! Glad you got yours. I heard about a fifty year woman in New Jersey weeks ago getting the vaccine because of her ci-morbidity .. Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. No joke. And you have lupus and are on immunosuppressants and just got the vaccine In California.

What a system we have, right? I got the vaccine because of hypertension (mild). It was legit so I did it.

Stay under that rock!

😘😘

[katidid in reply to KayHimm]

Ended up being easy! All they asked is if I had a disability. Lupus is a disability under the ADA. Didn’t ask for anything but a yes/no. And they vaccinated the hubby. All he said was he was my caretaker. From parking to injection 15 min for us both. And free bottled water!

I got the sense that all they wanted was to get shots in arms. I think they are frightened of the surge when it becomes a free-for-all on 4/15.

[KayHimm in reply to katidid]

Terrific! I think it varied some in NY. The hospital I went to did want documentation. Most places relied on people to be honest. It is probably best because those people shouldn’t have to be « vaccine police » and those who are going to cheat, will find a way.

My niece has mild/moderate asthma and her doctor told her she didn’t meet the CDC criteria for highest risk . She almost wasn’t going to get vaccinated until the last group. I told her to just write « asthma » and let them question her. No questions asked. That was a relief.

Glad you got water! I got hand sanitizer and cookies at the city hospital I went to.

Congratulations 💉!

K

[katidid in reply to KayHimm]

Cookies?? I’m jealous 😋

[KayHimm in reply to katidid]

😅

[Roarah]

With out going into detail just suggest a shaded area for you are a bit sensitive to the sun. He will not think anything of it. Have fun!

[Comeonpeeps in reply to Roarah]

Roarah thank you. Much appreciated.

[svfarmer]

How exciting for you - I also met my now fiancé on the internet and am getting married next summer - as others have said I would just say that your sensitive with the sun and leave it like that , I wouldn’t mention you have lupus just yet , just see how it goes with him - really hope you have a lovely time ❤️

[Comeonpeeps in reply to svfarmer]

Aw thank you! And wow congratulations to you. Yes I will do that. What if he says in reply to that "why's that?" If I mention it further on down the line...would I say that I thought it would put you off?

[svfarmer in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Thankyou you could say it sometimes gives you a headache - don’t think he will think anything of it and yes if further on down the line I would say didn’t want you to be put off by it xx

[Comeonpeeps]

I will follow your advice definitely. I was all ready for telling him today!! All these replies have helped me see more clearly and put things into perspective.

[svfarmer in reply to Comeonpeeps]

🥰

[Comeonpeeps in reply to Comeonpeeps]

And I'll say that I wanted him to get to know ME.

[Comeonpeeps]

All lovely people on here!

[miccika1]

1. Save money for uv clothing, it is a good investment. 2. Going to forest sound great 3. Do not explain yourself. Just state you are sensitive to sun and want to change to the forest. Clouds do not block UVs we are sensitive to so you should always use spf 50, mineral kind and lots of it and reapply every 2h. 4. Do not talk about lupus yet, you just met him and need to get to know him more. You do not need to explain yourself.

[Ange324]

Hi. I'm in a similar position to you as regards dating and having an illness. I have leukaemia, and I have had a weird allergy to the sun for over 20 years. Just remember that just because it's sunny, it doesn't mean you need to expose skin! I'm a full make up, factor 30 foundation, hat, clothing that looks sexy but covers my arms and chest as otherwise I'll be covered in red bumps within minutes.My advice would be to do what you can to cover up and feel comfortable (what would you wear to take your dog out on a sunny day?), and don't cancel the date. Saying you've a headache will make you sound flakey and it's wouldn't be true. I don't disclose my illness as it isn't something that I want to define me. If I find I meet someone, get close to them and think this is the next step in my future then that's something I'll address when I feel it is right.

Go out, be confident, have fun, take your dog and go say hi. You don't have to stay out long, and sitting in the shade or at least your back to the sun (I always do that). Think happy, feel happy, be happy.

Good luck! He sounds like a nice guy and there are a good few of them around!

Angela.

[Tiggywoos]

How exciting to have a date! 💐

I think you are right to be thinking about telling him at some point but absolutely no need yet ! Like the other lovely ladies have said just say you’re sensitive in the 🌞 .

If (and I’m sure he is ) a nice sweet guy , he will be fine about it . You wouldn’t mind if someone said the same would you ?

You’ve raised such a good topic so thank you for that . Have fun , live in the moment and remember he’s lucky to be on a date with you 💕xx

[Willow7733]

I agree with the others. You don’t have to talk about your health issues right away. Give yourself and him a chance to see how great this could be! You are so much more than lupus. I think the suggestion of telling him you are sensitive to the sun and would rather meet in a place more shaded is a great idea! Also, go on the date and have fun! No thoughts of lupus...you deserve a break, and to have a moment of normalcy. Who knows where this will take you!

[Apricot100 in reply to Willow7733]

This ⬆️. Enjoy yourself, have a break from lupus and see where it takes you. What a wonderful evening you mat have.

Save telling him for when you feel it's relevant. / necessary. Not on a first date.

Enjoy, stay safe and do let us know how it went! X

[katidid]

I remember back to the first time my now husband and I had our first date(ish). I figured an evening or nighttime activity would be better. I came up with the idea of a casual dinner of a cuisine that was new to us both so that way it was more fun than serious. At that time I made the decision to not tell him until I really thought this might become something. Like you, he and I had been talking online for months.

If you’re more comfortable with daytime, you could always say that you burn easily or are sun sensitive. Lots of people are sun sensitive (esp after being indoors so much this past year) or just prefer meeting indoors. I don’t think it would be a big deal. Or half indoors and half out and bring an umbrella? UV clothing is $$$ and honestly the stuff I own isn’t very fashionable lol. so sunscreen, a cute umbrella and comfy full coverage clothes.

I think you could brainstorm with him about a good combo. I find involving the other person in coming up with the idea makes it so much easier.

As far as when you tell someone - listen to your gut *but* if it’s something that’s really promising, the sooner the better. Always best to start off a relationship honestly.

I told my hubby on our second date b/c I went into a flare and had a seizure! My CNS is involved in my Lupus, so there’s always a chance of it happening. It wasn’t a big one, but boy did he handle it well. It’s been 13 yrs and to this day has never judged me about it and I am thankful that I found someone that liked me as me and didn’t run for the hills when that happened. I’ve also been ditched when telling ppl I’m chronically ill.

If this is the right one, it will work out. Don’t stress, be yourself and remember yes our constraints are a pain, but they can’t stand in the way of us bringing new ppl into our lives!

xoxo

kp

[Hidden]

If you have a car, drive to a woodland walkway or somewhere with more shade. Also, the weather forecast isn’t always right. I wouldn’t cancel and I wouldn’t say about the Lupus for a bit yet myself.

[Singing_fairy]

I hope all goes well. My daughter is very very sun sensitive. I know you mentioned UV clothing. Could I suggest Lands end? They very often have 40% off and whilst it isn’t exactly cheaper it is beautiful and it allows my daughter complete protection so she can enjoy a normal childhood. Just a thought. I hope you find a solution and have a wonderful time x

[Confused01]

Hi,I think if you like this person you should just be upfront with him and just lightly explain your situation and reason for where you meet. After all if he isn’t understanding of your condition now then he never will be...and therefore not the right one for you.

X

[CecilyParsley]

I think you have lots of great suggestions here Have a wonderful time on your date I hope t brings you joy laughter and romance Please let us know how it goes ❤️ Xx

[Comeonpeeps]

Wow thank you all for the fab comments. We're meeting at 4 tomorrow at a place I think is quite shaded. Thanks for the best wishes. I shall fill you in tomorrow...eeeeek! 😍 xxxxxx

[Frosty1960]

You have to tell him your situation it is going to come up soon enough so get it out the way from the start only fair.

[Comeonpeeps]

Hi all hope you've had a good day.So it didn't get off to a good start as I had problems with my car and it's in the garage first thing! But I made it to the date. The sun thing wasn't really an issue as I said "let's go this way!" (the more covered way). We were in the sun a bit but it wasn't strong (might suffer a bit tomorrow but it'll be nothing major hopefully. He was really nice, wasn't awkward and we're seeing each other again!

We weren't walking for that long really, about 45 minutes as the path gets locked and we didn't want to get stuck there!

[Krazykat26 in reply to Comeonpeeps]

Yay!! Good news about the date 😁Glad that it went well n that you're going to meet up again!!

Not such good news about the car but hey u still managed to get there in true warrior style..well done!! 🙌🌈😽😽Xx

[Christineosh]

First of all you tell who ever it is the truth if they can’t handle it, there not worth knowing. Second I bought from a Lupus site an Umbrella that blocks all UV. I wear long skirts, dresses or trousers always long sleeves and if you don’t like gloves full sun protection cream. At the moment in UK the sun is not very strong so of course we all need the vitamin D