Feeling at my lowest...

[pfoz88]

This is very personal and difficult but ill put it out there, from my diagnosis with SLe last November my kidney function has detieriorated according to the tests and ive been refered to a renal specialist. This is tough enough to take but now my wife has said shes leaving me and taking my son, dog, everything with her. Im desperately trying to save the relationship as i dont want it to end (or to loose my family). The stress of all this going on together is killing me, im loosing weight, over a stone in 3 weeks and everyone says i look ill, and i know the worst is still to come when they actually leave and i am on my own. I worry that all this is accelerating my disease and compromising my chances of getting better. I cant see any light in all this.

Paul

[Jinny]

Paul.

Firstly remember you are never alone here and someone will always be able to take the time to try and help you!

What a very sad situation you are in at the moment!

Has your wife said why she is leaving?Does she feel that she is unable to cope?perhaps her seeing you ill is really hurting her and she dosen'y know where to turn or what to say to you for the best!I wonder if all this (the diagnosis)has all just really hit her!!I know i was Dx last August and still finding it hard to get my head round.

You must also remeber all this stress is really not good for your Lupus and i know it's easy to say but you gotta somehow find a way to relax alittle and think also of your own health!

My heart does go out to you and know we are always here for you and people will be so supportive here for you.(((hugs))) xx

[pfoz88]

I dont think she really takes my condition too seriously, she sees me go to work every day and maybe thinks i cant be so bad. She had breast cancer a few years back but we got through it together and now shes all clear. weve kind of drifted a bit lately, i work a lot through the night so we started sleeping separately more often to guarantee a bit more sleep, but it became more the norm. Im desperately trying to get it back on track but shes difficult to get through to at the moment. 6 months ago lupus was the big challenge i had to face and she was the strength behind me but now i dont know how ill cope if it gets worse. I know ill have to start some treatment soon and am worried the meds will tip me.

[Jinny]

Paul i have been trying to message you,,for some reason this appears not to be working!!

What you both need here is too be able to sit down at some stage and communicate properly,,,your wife will have been through so much with the cancer,,i know as my mums friend is doing the same now!So very hard.

You have to sometimes put yourself first,,if she is now clear as you say it time she was supportive of you,,,i afraid alot of us Lupies say the same,,family and loved ones are the last to fully try and understand Lupus and ow it affects us,,because we can look so well!!

I was messaging you to say..I WAS ALONE TOO,And very frightened with no where to turn but here,,i set up a very nice group here at facebook called Lupus is real,,we are a small family of Lupies who all show eachother much support i wanted to private message you this as i get done of Paul Howard for this sometimes,,ha ha,,but the message thingy here is not working at this moment in time,,dunno why! Any how please feel free to look us up,,we are a closed group so all said in their is private and secure,,this here i feel a litle open to discuss further.

Wishing you all the best.x

[Gharrison]

Paul, your story really hit hard to me, as I completely understand how you feel. My dad left me as a child and it doesn't matter what anyone says you will feel alone and you will need to shout and cry. But it's totally normal for you to feel that way. My best advise is to talk about it, to us, to friends or other family. Or even to a pet, my dog Ben was the best company I ever had, ever though he doesn't say anything they know how to listen. Be as strong as you can be, and there will be light at the end of the tunnel.. We are here for you Paul..

[AngelaW]

Hi Paul, I wont even pretend to understand what you are going through with your relationship as I'm lucky enough not to have been there (?!). My husband doesn't fully understand the lupus though recently I've been very poorly and I think it might have sunk in a bit more, he still gets very frustrated when he's off work at the weekends and I can't summon up the energy to do anything but I don't think he will leave because he's coming up to retirement and it would cost him too much lol !! Seriously, have you discussed marriage guidance or perhaps you could get some counselling through your GP - it's a big step to admit you need help (been there many years ago) but with everything going on in your life at the moment you could probably do with someone outside your relationship helping you make sense of things. Perhaps your wife sees you looking and being ill and it frightens her and then again perhaps not, maybe she has been looking for a reason to make it easier for her to leave. Have you got parents or parents-in-law that you could enlist for some support? My advise would be to throw your pride to the wind and if your wife won't go to marriage guidance then get to your GP asap and get yourself some antidepressants and a referral to a counsellor. You have to make the decision to look after yourself Paul, I understand how hard it is when you are reaching rock bottom but the decision to raise yourself up can only come from within yourself so you have to find that strength, no-one else can do it for you.

I sincerely hope things work out for you both, and please start looking after yourself. Take care, Angela xx

[nanny4 in reply to AngelaW]

Hi Paul,I hope this message finds you in a slightly better place,i really do feel for you and can only imagine how you must be feeling.

I just wanted to say i fully agree with what Angela has said,I counldn't have put it any better myself,great advice.

I myself have been recieving treatment for breast cancer and my husband does not cope well when it comes to illness,maybe your wife managed to cope and recover from her illness ,but finds it difficult to cope with your illness.

I know I am not much help,but I think Angela's advice is spot on.

Take care,

Sandy.