The last week has bought a slow deterioration of my energy levels and an increasing pain all over my body. Everything feels heavier and Reynauds is also kicking in. I had an amazing summer, felt really well and had fallen into the trap of a false sense of security. As the cold weather takes hold so is my lupus and I feel out of control and on the verge of tears the whole time.
I was training for the great south run, which is this Sunday, I'm raising money for lupus uk. Two years ago just before my diagnosis I was also preparing to do the GSR and couldn't as lupus took over my whole life and I'm angry that it is happening again.
My boyfriend has signed up to do the run with me to support me. He is amazing and says it doesn't matter if we don't complete it or if we are the last two in but I feel really sad about it.
At times like this I look at him and our children and feel guilty that I am becoming an increasing burden. It's not fair on them to have to consider me and my moods as well the impact of my fatigue. Last week I was considering moving house to be closer to him and move our relationship up a gear but today I am petrified that I can only be a burden on him and better off alone.
I feel like Its not in my gift to consider a normal life and I should just focus on raising my two children and leave life at that!