LUPUS UK

Post operative depression

Hey.

First of all I really want to write something POSITIVE!! My surgery experience was amazing.. my PTSD was taken seriously & I was looked after extremely well. The max fax team were incredible!

Due to the ward being very busy, & my anxiety was at level 10, they moved me to a side bed, which I was very appreciative for. The Whole entire team who looked after me were wonderful. Due to being severely Dental phobic, & afraid of anything in my mouth, ie: (gauze) they quickly assisted my concerns & accepted my request to not have anything in my mouth when I wake up & they didn’t use anything that would numb my tongue either which was a HUGE relief,

Instead they placed the gauze inside the holes & stitched them over.

My two impacted wisdom teeth were easy to extract. & biopsies/complete removal were also performed successfully:)

I have to say that the max fax team have given me faith in the NHS again. I felt so at ease & comfortable. My fears & concerns were treated with respect & dignity, & I’m so grateful to them for taking good care of me. All of them were 🌟s. They even gave me a hug !!! WOW! Their Support & care were invaluable. I’ve NEVER EVER been treated so GOOOD! It brought me to tears (happy ones)

I NEVER thought I’d EVER say this but it was the best surgical experience I’ve ever had, everything ran smoothly.......

I wrote to them expressing my thanks, & to just genuinely say how great I thought they were & that because of them I have faith again!

The nitty gritty bit 👇🏻

I awoke in recovery, the nurse beside me said that I look very sad, & I had been crying. She said I had woken up a few times prior but I didn’t remember. I felt unbelievably upset, & frightened. I was Holding on to her arm I was to scared to be on my own, I felt very sick & she was just going to get me something for my nausea but I wouldn’t let go & I cried out loud. I wasn’t in pain, I was just so scared. I felt as if I had lost something that was very special to me..... (my wisdom lol) I was crying for my mum, who was waiting with my dad & boyfriend back on the ward. I actually felt like a young child !? I know that sounds crazy as I’m 31 years old but I felt child like....

So I was taken back & I couldn’t stop my chin from wobbling, I had NO thoughts which was weird as my PTSD is always no matter what playing a movie of memories Through my mind, back with my parents, the nurses kept checking up on me, they were lovely. I was given some pain relief, & I felt as if for the first time I was understood, I kept asking if it was “normal” for me to feel such unbelievable sadness?? I’ve never felt anything like it.. I’ve recently had a GA & yes I felt sad but it was only for a moment, I don’t understand why I feel like this when the surgery went smoothly, I was cared for phenomenally, & I was in the greatest of hands.

I had an intense feeling of disparity, pure fear, & when I got home I couldn’t be left alone, my partner had to stay by my side. The dark scared me, being alone made me weary prior to my operation I loved the dark I loved being alone, I hated how I felt.

I didn’t have pain for 2 days, then it hit me & it took another 3 days to feel a little more human.

On the 6th day post op, my son was getting ready to go to stay with his dad for a few days. My partner was on his way back from work, I knew after I said bye to my son I’d be alone, but I didn’t exactly expect what was about to happen...

I gave him the biggest cuddle ever, for some unknown reason I felt like my heart was breaking, I shut the door & turned to walk up the stairs & I felt strange, it was oddly silent & I felt afraid. Wobbly legs, clammy hands, anxiety was through the roof, it was just me.... I didn’t like it. Finally I made it up the flight of stairs, I looked around knowing I was safe & I had no need to worry, I knew I had to make dinner for my partner as he’d been working a long 15 hour shift, calling me on the hour every hour.

I started boiling the pasta, heating the sauce, , I felt detached from myself?! it’s like I was fighting with an invisible force... I went into our living room it was dark. I normally light our big Yankee candles, smelling them usually makes me feel calm, I lit one & quickly ran out to the kitchen.

I heard a really loud bang.. i fell to the floor heart pounding, then the smoke alarms went off, the flat was filled with smoke, I was choking, unable to see through the rooms, I went into the front room to see that my vase with faux flowers had fallen onto the candle & it was all up in flames, I was in SHOCK! Fight or flight.... I picked up the blazing vase took it to the bathroom put it in the bath & put the shower water on it. Still on fire in the tub I went back in to find the embers had set the two plastic tables on fire & was burning a hole into the wooden flooring, I didn’t realise whilst all this was going on my trouser leg was on fire & so was my sleeve. To cut a long story short, i was at my worst, & for that to of happened whilst I was alone just added to my fear of being on my own, it made everything feel impossible.

My partner came home, I was uncontrollable, shaking, etc. He cleaned up whilst I finished dinner. Thankfully it didn’t burn !

It was such a traumatic experience that I couldn’t sleep that evening & I kept checking that nothing in the flat could cause a fire if it was left on... I was very paranoid...

I went to see my dentist for a checkup to see how I was doing, I told her the first few days were easy, my main concerns were dry Socket. The only pain I was struggling with was jaw stiffness, The biopsy sites were making it hard to swallow which enhanced my fear of chocking, I was scared to eat anything & lost half a stone within a week. Thankfully her reassurance was golden. She said..... DRUM ROLL PLEASE... I’m HEALING well!! The relief was unbelievable!

I explained about my sadness in recovery & when I got home, I told her about the fire accident & that I couldn’t bare to be alone. I felt venerable & weary... crying all the time, terrible nightmares. Up all night & sleeping all day. I felt like a child, but in a adults body, detached, & disassociation plagued me, I hadn’t felt this bad for years. I first felt like i do now at 16 where I endured horrific trauma. But my surgery went well so....... why was/ or am I so scared of...

& she said

“I’m so used to things going WRONG with my health/ operations & procedures especially , that when something REALLY GOOD happens & things go RIGHT I don’t know how to react to it.”

The whole experience was overwhelming, & she said I’m traumatised by it even though it went perfectly. So she expressed that I had post surgical depression. I’m slowly getting better..anxiety to me is like a ghost, you can’t always feel it but you know it’s there... it takes something really bad to make me feel this way. In theatre, I said to the team please take good care of me, I kept hearing of course Laura, we promise, hand on heart. I was that scared I kept fighting the anaesthetic but in the end I just let go... maybe it was because I was so scared beforehand... it wasn’t the operation that worried me it was how I would feel after.... boggled,

Early hours of this morning my neighbours flat (below me) was burgled. His car too.

I caught the thieves on my CCTV, & I watched them try my front door a few times which petrified me, even though I knew it was locked they still could of got get in! My partner phoned the police & I was sat up like a kid again, holding the duvet up to my nose, shaking.... what’s happening to me !!!!! I’m making progress but things like this makes me take 5 steps back... hmmm.

It’s been a good & bad few weeks. But I’m proud of myself that I went ahead with my surgery & didn’t let my anxiety win.

I’ll have to wait for 5 weeks for my results, & a few more weeks for the area in my throat to heal. I’m having my stitches out on Tuesday.

I’m ever so happy that for once something went well for me. I now understand what it feels like to be treated so well too. I’m awaiting some help with my post op depression & PTSD.

I wasn’t aware that you can become depressed after any minor/major operation. I didn’t know that GA would ever make <me> feel this way. But what I do know is, that it was traumatic for my mind, & body but time is a healer. I have faith.

Xx

22 Replies
oldestnewest

🌈🦄🦋 💐 THANK YOU LAURA for every detail in your beautifully told, deeply moving & uplifting post

🍀😘🍀😘🍀😘 coco

3 likes
Reply

Hey coco,

I was just about to delete it & then I read your comment 💙💛💜❤️💚🧡

I seem to be able to relive every second & that’s how it comes across when I write. I’m happy to hear you found it uplifting though, events change us & reshape us. Sometimes for the good the bad & the ugly, but over the last 2 weeks I’ve come face to face with my deepest darkest fears but I’m still here & I’m still fighting, & smiling whilst crying, i have surprised myself if I’m quite honest, despite the temporary depression as my doctor called it, I’m proud to say That through sorrow I found my wisdom xx

3 likes
Reply

😧 OMG: am SO GLAD i replied when i did!!!!! Am VVVVVV MUCH relating to your description of these contradictory feelings...many many of us experience our own versions of this...you are not alone...and there will be lots of readers who may not feel like actively participating here but who will take ❤️ because your 🌟🌟🌟🌟post helps them feel they aren’t alone in reacting this way to this scary stuff we have to endure 😘🍀

4 likes
Reply

Awww 😢 your replies are invaluable coco, I’ve tried to write a post for days now but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s good to know the LOVE💕 is out there. As much as I’ve felt alone I know I’m not the only one, it’s nice to talk to you, you have this lovely aura about you & even though I’ve never met you in person I feel as if I know you, ( beautiful aura)I’ve had some great support from my family & partner but it’s even better on here, as many of us understand each other as we’re all on this deeper level to which I’m ever so thankful for. I feel better now knowing my post isn’t a burden xx

1 like
Reply

👍👍👍👍PHEW: am SO GLAD!!!!!! And: 😘 thanks for your kind words...the first time i’ve been told i have an aura 🤗 , well, it’s definitely down to the atmosphere here! ❤️

1 like
Reply

First but not the last :) & it’s a wonderful place to exist. Atmosphere is good here 💛

2 likes
Reply

Such a brave story to post, and so uplifting to hear that you've made it through & now found some positives from it all. You are amazingly strong ❤️

3 likes
Reply

Hey Sarah_H

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I feel very overwhelmed by your kindness & I really do appreciate your support. I hope life is treating you gently & most of kindly. Xx

1 like
Reply

Hi Laura..I read your post and I am glad you didn't delete it. I read every word and felt I was right there with you. I suffer from PTSD as well and anything like a medical procedure always triggers me and my anxiety goes through the roof. I think with me when I am placed in any situation where I am not in control.....and anaesthesia definitely does that....It takes me back to my original trauma and I re-experience all of the helpless feelings that originated from that trauma. I go through the anxiety and dissociation like you even when the procedure goes well. I feel for you and just want you to know it gets better. I found meditation and praying helps me. Actually just talking about it and sharing it with others who care about you reduces the stress. Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience because it helps you and it helped me to know I am not the only one who experieces this. Hope you are feeling better. Barbara🏵

1 like
Reply

Hi Barbarajeand

Reading your reply made me well up, thank you so much for reaching out, it means so much to me.

For any fellow sufferer of PTSD it’s so comforting to hear that another soul can be right there with me.

Yes your right, not being in control causes so many unnecessary but unfortunate feelings. It doesn’t help when it takes you back to the darkest of places. I can totally relate.

Dissociation is my burden, but also a coping mechanism, I’ve experienced trauma after trauma and no break in between. It’s been impossible for me to have time to adapt understand and experience the relief of closure. I think it must of been an accumulation of anxieties plus a GA on top that’s caused this. I’m very thankful that everything went well with my surgery, it’s a first! To know someone else such as yourself have and do feel like I have/do brings such comfort but I also feel for you having to go through it as it’s quite impacting & effects quality of life, it’s difficult to live with PTSD, it’s hard enough with physical Health but with this on top it’s somewhat a battle to just get through the thoughts. Exhausting to say the least.

I do meditate when I can, and use a PTSD visualisation on YouTube. I’ve listened to it every night for the last 3 years. Or at times when my grounding isn’t concrete enough.

I pray more than anything, I had control over my PTSD well I thought I did. It’s taken me years to master the craft of having control of it, I feel back where I started and it’s taken so long to get where I was before the surgery. Maybe the GA this time round just put me in this state of fear & my ptsd contributed. It’s like I’m trying to find my way back home again but I have no idea where it is or how to get there.

It took a lot for me to share my post. I wrote it 4 times over and then deleting and adjusting...

I wish I didn’t have to write it in such detail but it’s just the way my mind works. I’m glad it’s been beneficial, and fell on the hearts & ears that need it the most.

If you ever feel the need to talk or wish for a friend who understands I can be that person.

You can pm anytime, any time any hour.

“A problem shared is a problem halved”

Your a Star thank you 🙏🏼 xxx

1 like
Reply

Laura thank you so much for reaching out to me and for posting the meditation. I will listen to it tonight. Dissociating was a coping mechanism for me as well. I went through trauma after trauma beginning in childhood and through most of my young adulthood. I am in my 50's and have begun the process of healing. It seems so overwhelming at times. When I feel I have turned the corner on something I have something else pop up begging for my attention and healing. I have placed my trust in God and in his guidance for healing such profound hurt.

I definitely related to your post about going in for your dental procedure. I remember fainting right after just going to a dentist as a young child. Anything medical where I was not in control would take me to the original traumas....not exactly what had happened but the feelings and emotions I experienced....sometimes working me up into a frenzy. I have begun seeing a wonderful psychologist and I are hope at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you so much for inviting me to pm you....I offer you the same invite to private message me anytime.

Hugs and prayers 🌼

Reply

Oh Laura , you have had quite a time of it, not helped by your anxiety and fear of dentists which I experience myself. Anaesthetic has a depressing effect and can be in your system for 2 weeks , so your experience is not uncommon I believe. I hope you start to feel better soon as it’s great news that you are healing so well . I am sending you lots of positive thoughts, take it easy and make a full recovery, best wishes xxx💐💐💐💐

2 likes
Reply

Hey Weathervane

It’s been a battlefield but I’m slowly winning the war.

I didn’t realise that a GA could have this profound effect.

Thankfully I’m not the only one.

Thanks so much hun you’re encouragement and support is most definitely appreciated & invaluable xx

1 like
Reply

Hi Laura, hope you are recovering well and the pain has subsided. Going to surgeon about my back tomorrow as may need op soon , not looking forward to it but might be better than what have at moment as can do very little so 🤞🏻And onwards and upwards xxx

1 like
Reply

Hey yes pain has literally disappeared, I’m having my stitches out today. Good Luck for your appointment I hope it goes well. May I ask what sort of back op? I hope it improves and helps. Yes the only way is up from here xxx

1 like
Reply

Good luck with the stitch removal !! I slipped a disc after Christmas, nerve root injection hasn’t worked so I may need disc shaved ☹️ Im only able to walk short distances with a crutch and can’t drive , surviving on tramadol. I need it sorted soon xx

1 like
Reply

Ouch !!! My mum did that & she suffered terribly. She had 4 slipped discs! 10 years ago & had a huge op, & she benefited greatly. She’s now having the same injections as you after a back injury & she felt a relief the first time but not second or third. She wanted the radio frequency I think It’s burning the nerves but pain clinic dismissed her & said she didn’t fit the criteria. Sad to see someone you love suffering. So I can empathise your struggle. It must be agonising for you. Ooooo tramadol ! If you can take them your much stronger than me.. they didn’t agree ! 💚🤢🤮. Well let’s hope this op comes round sooner rather than later. Much love xx

1 like
Reply

I discussed the radio frequency with the doctor and he wasn’t a fan of that procedure. I hope your mum can find something that helps as it must be hard for you to see her in pain . Best wishes xx

Reply

Thanks LauraMk30. How great to hear that your surgery went so well. And that despite the upset, sadness and anxiety you felt later, you have been able to pull through. The episode of watching robbers attempting to break into your house would have pushed a lot of us over the edge, such a frightening/threatening experience. I wonder if you feel you will be able to use any (or all??) of this as part of a recovery process - have you done much formal therapy for your PTSD? I ask because the overwhelming sense I have in reading this through is how much strength and determination you must have to have experienced all this and yet coped so well? I know you've said that time is a healer, but don't underestimate your own power and inner resources x

4 likes
Reply

Hey Whisperit

Yes, I’m very happy too, despite the aftermath I’m extremely grateful for the care I received. Brilliant.

I’m getting through it slowly but everyday I’m making progress which is a plus.

Umm whilst watching what I saw I felt like I was hanging off the edge of the earth! I had to hold on... something kept me from letting go. Which I’m eternally grateful for.

Formal therapy : ummm, I was diagnosed with PTSD at 11. I had some form of intensive therapy but it didn’t last long. And over the years I’ve tried to help myself as the help wasn’t available or costly. Plus the waiting lists are long. I’m on the list for EMDR & CBT therapy via the NHS 2gether team. I contacted them back in September last year and I’m

Still waiting. I guess I’ve had no other choice but to get by on my own, but at 31 now I cannot deal with it and need help. I’ve always been a proud person but I’ve come to the conclusion this time round that it’s ok to ask for help, there is no shame in admitting my struggles & I haven’t failed myself I just need a little help to get better again.

Yes I do feel like I’ve been quite strong but then that’s all I’ve ever known to get through. I think seeing a therapist will really help as I’ve experience horrific trauma one after the other and never had time to just breath. As well with all my health problems it’s just been endless.

I took the first step I just hope they meet me halfway. Xx

Reply

Yes, a lot of people find EMDR surprisingly effective. I hope you get to the top of those waiting lists asap. x

1 like
Reply

I think that treatment will suit me, never tried it so I have hopes. I’m going to contact them again & ask how far I am from the top, it’s a long time to wait when I’m not coping well on my own. Fingers crossed I’ll get to see them soon x thanks hun 💜

1 like
Reply

You may also like...