Sometimes you're caught off guard

[Lupiknits]

My niece had a much longed for baby a few months ago. Family dynamics are a little fraught as she's ex's niece and I was cut dead by his family at the divorce. I could think of no good reason why a baby boy should be overlooked and sent one of the super duper patchwork blankets I designed and knitted myself.

Son number two has been visiting her and told me how they raved over the blanket and were constantly stopped by Kensington yummy mummies asking where she'd got it. I felt rather 👍 by this.

Now it's struck me I really couldn't defog enough to design again, never mind knit all the tricky arty bits on it. I thought I was fairly used to my new way of life, but this has been like a punch in the stomach. It doesn't help that I got myself more or less well scrubbed up for a short gathering today, only to realise at the last moment that what I needed to do was get into bed, still in my best bib and tucker. So I did.

One little 🌈 Is that my "grandma's hope chest" has two more of those blankets. I seldom knit the same thing twice, so life goes on, even though I'd like to cancel the rest of 2017.

[Ianrussell69]

Try it you will surprise yourself it will probably just take a bit longer

[Lupiknits in reply to Ianrussell69]

Thank you. The spirit is sometimes willing, but the flesh so weak x

[Silvergilt]

Yeah I feel you :/ I can't paint anymore, try as I might. And I can't spin wool. I don't drive anymore. I've had to let a lot of things slide and no matter how much anyone tries to just 'get on with things' it still feels like a kick in the gut when you lose a little bit more. It's so dispiriting. But I think the only thing you can do in those cases is give yourself a pass to feel it. Not gloss it over, not do a eyerollingly obnoxious 'Keep Calm' meme about it, not try and put on a smiley face...just get good and mad and frustrated and sad and angry. Because that's human. And it's ok to just dwell in it. There's always tomorrow to try again, but for today...for today, grieve again.

I wish you safe space for your sorrow, and a better tomorrow.

[whisperit in reply to Silvergilt]

Oh yes. I think it's partly a cultural thing - I often look at posts here and elsewhere and immediately think "Ah, that's sooo American". As a Welshie, all my memes feature rain and kittens crying. x

[Lupiknits]

Your post has touched me deeply Silvergilt. You've given me some special advice there. i needed the reminder that I can grieve and dwell on loss at this time. A pox on the jolly memes.

You can tell I'm on a downer. More pain than usual, more tired than usual, and feeling rather depressed. The weights have been added to the bipolar scale.

See what tomorrow brings x

[Hidden]

Hugs LK - “a pox on the jolly memes” speaks volumes to me. Twitchy xxxx

[whisperit]

Ah, Lupiknits, it's all a bit crap innit. Most days I get the urge to make a bonfire of my piano music and guides to mountain trails. Maybe do some kind of witchy invocation to drive out the bad in the world. But there we are.

If it's any consolation, I'm glad you're here, and I'm sure many others are too x

[Lupiknits]

Thanks whisperit. I'm glad we're all here too xx

Looking at YouTube vidoes of babies laughing is sometimes a go to, for me. Impossible not to laugh with them

[Treetop33]

Totally concur with everyone here. Creativity and physical capability touches us very deeply, and losing a capacity to do something is just one more blow. My mother was an amazing artist. But she had a stroke and lost most of her capacity.

I am a writer who did psychogeographies of cities, walking for hours across London. Currently I can only walk around my very small town. Everything I did exists as a memory alone. I still write, because that's how I make my living. But I can't afford big ambitions now.

Silvergilt is right. It goes without question that we all try and carry on, but feeling the loss is important.