Need neutral opinions on a matter I'm struggling with...

[Miniwheats]

Hi everyone. I know I haven't really posted much about myself.. mostly replying to others posts to see if I can help. But now I need YOUR help if you have a new moment 🤔

Been struggling with a problem with my partner. We live in a large city where we both have decent paying jobs, but I have no family there and I am getting tired of it. My family is a 5 hour flight across the country. My partner has family but does not have much to do with them. He comes from a broken home where his father abandoned them, and he was forced to grow up real fast at age 10. He was betrayed by his extended family at the time and as a result does not value family. His mother lives on social assistance and can offer no support or guidance to him (is not really educated and now has dementia/personality issues). On the other hand I come from a happy home where my father worked very hard to become wealthy and has offered to gift us a brand new home he built, just so we can live close to them and so that we can retire. It's a small but gorgeous city by the lake and mountains. We have enough saved up and in investments to live comfortably.

The problem is my partner refuses to live in a house that he did not pay for. It is a pride issue with him. He also has 8 years left to retire and he claims that at that time he would be open to moving to the smaller city in question as he will have a pension at that time. Problem is, in 8 years I don't know if my parents will even be alive and I've already lived apart from them for the last 15 years. I like my parents and enjoy spending time with them as they like to do new things in the outdoors and just have a zest for life. My partner is happy to go to work every day, watch tv at night, and go for coffee on weekends. It's so boring. The city we live in is so overpopulated and congested it takes forever just to go down to the waterfront in the summer! To note, I no longer enjoy my job and I wake up every morning feeling like I can't wait for the day to be over. I feel like I'm just waiting to die already. We don't have kids, and if we work another 8 years, collect a pension, AND have two fully paid off properties, combined with the inheritance I'll be getting it will be OVERKILL and my only descendant, my niece, will inherit a fortune from me. I really don't want to continue working for the benefit of my niece who I only see once year and barely know.

I don't know what to do. I need objective opinions. Can you offer yours? What would you do in this situation? I thank I kindly in advance 😊

[Sunnidayz1]

I think you've got every reason to live by your family. It sounds like common sense to me..lol. I can understand how your husband feels about the home he would be gifted. I think you should come up with some sort of compromise. Maybe your dad can build the home & you & your husband can help w the layout and pay for it? Something along these lines so that it's not a total hand out.

With some changes Im sure your husband will change his mind. Sounds like a win-win! Good luck!

XxSunni

[Miniwheats in reply to Sunnidayz1]

Thanks Sunny. I have tried everything and he is not interested. I forgot to mention that we are also not married even though he knows how much I wanted it. I just feel like he is calling all the shots in my life to suit his needs and my needs don't matter 😔

[sleepyowl]

Hi Miniwheats,

It's quite a sacrifice being away from your family when you would like to be closer to them and have the option to live nearby. Would your husband be prepared to compromise a bit and work for a few more years but take early retirement? Also, if you're not enjoying work anymore and don't financially need to, could you take an even earlier retirement yourself? Perhaps then you could take some long holidays to visit your parents... perhaps your hubby will miss you so much he might want to bring the early retirement forward

Compromise and respecting eachother's needs is what I'd want to achieve in a situation like this. Is there a way you can have an honest and open conversation with him about what you currently want from life and how you are feeling? Maybe then see if he's willing to compromise a bit?

[Miniwheats in reply to sleepyowl]

Thank you Sleepyowl for responding. Yes we have had many conversations about various scenarios ( this has been going on for 4-5 years). But he waffles back and forth between conversations...he says he is willing to compromise in one conversation but then the next time I bring it up, he gets angry and denies ever saying it 🙄 Then I get upset, he apologizes and gives me more empty promises to placate/stall me. Ugh...🙄

[LadyO4]

From the sounds of what you wrote, this man sounds very selfish and has no intention of building a meaning relationship with you, much less a meaningful future together. He may be stuck in the past, but he is not entitled to keep you stuck with him. It all boils down to priorities in life, and both of yours are drastically different.

If this has become a burden to you, it might be time to consider your options for a happier life apart from him. You only get one life, and feeling trapped inside someone's small world of avoidance can't possibly offer you any hope.

My standards for knowing hope, joy, peace, love, satisfaction, fulfillment, meaning, purpose, and a promise for a better existence may be different than yours, but there is a way to have these in your life if your truly desire them.

Thank you for opening yourself up and for letting me share my thoughts.

[Miniwheats in reply to LadyO4]

Lady 04 you have summed up exactly how I feel. Trapped in someone else's small world of avoidance and I would add, insecurity and mistrust. Lately I feel like our partnership is nothing more than a business partnership where my role is to assist him in reaching his life goal : to retire with a pension at a relatively early age and show the world how great he is to have done so given his upbringing. Another thing I neglected to mention in my original post is that he told me that after my parents are gone and I have my inheritance, he would not be comfortable if I used those funds to purchase a nice house for us to live in (we currently live in a condo because a decent, liveable house is out of reach for our generation in our city). So if I stay with him I will forever be living in an apartment building with no outdoor space, with lots of money in the bank that I can't use for something that would otherwise improve my quality of life 🙄

[Hidden]

Hello Miniwheats

Having read your post I just wanted to say this is my opinion on what you have said and only my opinion as I would never advise or try and tell someone what they should do regarding a relationship but if I was in the situation you find yourself in I would have to ask myself why exactly was I still in this relationship ?

What was I getting from it ?

There has to be give and take in any relationship , love is about giving and taking and from what you have said you have been giving for years to keep this relationship going but there comes a stage where if someone is not compromising then what does this tell you ?

I think it tells me that I would forever have to do what this other person wants and never be able to do what I would like and then I would ask myself would I be truly happy ?

Your parents sound fantastic and seems they have you and only you at heart and how to make your life happier which not a lot of people are blessed to have parents like that

As for them making sure there is some inheritance once they are no longer here to help you in life and your partner already stating what he won't accept says to me he wants his way or no way

My parents are no longer here , my Mum died to young and we did not know she was going to die and if I could turn back the clock and see what was going to happen I would have wanted to spend as much time with her as possible

When your parents are getting on in years if we have a loving relationship like it sounds like you have with yours anyone that loves you would want you to be near to them and spend as much time making memories as you possibly could

Maybe it is time to do some soul searching , only you can decide but if a man wanted all his own way and would not meet me at least half way , had never married me and so on I know which road I would take and that would be where I would be happy near my family

Good Luck working out what you want to do and always someone about to listen when you need a listening ear as these Communities also should be about giving and taking to

Take Care x

[Miniwheats in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Lulu. I have to admit, your reply was the one I was looking most forward to reading (and just hoping that you would reply at all).😊

We had a breakthrough tonight and am quite happy with the compromise that was reached. Not exactly what I wanted but we both end up getting what we need in life. He said if I want to I can quit my job and he would support me. That way I can visit my family whenever and for however long I want. He is also open to moving outside of the city so that we can buy a house as his work situation has changed and he can now work from home most days of the week. For the first time in my life I truly feel like I have someone who will be there for me no matter what, rather than just a business partner (which is how I've been feeling).

So sorry to hear that your mom was taken away too early. My dad's mom died when he was 12 and I've always felt profoundly sorry for him. His stepmother was the classic fairytale cruel stepmother and his father did nothing to intervene, which just added insult to injury. I am in my fourties and I know I will crumble to pieces when my parents go ☹️

[Hidden in reply to Miniwheats]

Hello Miniwheats

This is great to read and I have to admit I am relived you have found a compromise , would be such a shame to give up a relationship after all this time so thank goodness he seems to have realised your needs to

Sounds like a good compromise as well so I do hope this works out for you as you do deserve it x

[Miniwheats in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Lulu!😊

[123ag]

Hello Miniwheats

I come from a big and happy family background. On the other hand my husband has had a difficult relationship with his family and now does not see them at all. I often feel guilty that I have such a lovely family knowing that my husband would have loved to have the same with his family but does not. I feel maybe that is quite hard for him to live with. Maybe it is the same for your other half? Glad you seem to be reaching a compromise. Make sure you really listen to each other. Good luck!

[Miniwheats in reply to 123ag]

Thank you for your insight. I have thought about that possibility in the past and I know it must bother him but he would never say it. Sometimes I just feel like look, you were dealt a terrible hand early in life, but now you've been dealt a straight flush so why not take it? Why accept the bad and decline the fantastic in life?