He did it again : My husband violated me... - Living with Anxiety

Living with Anxiety

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He did it again


My husband violated me sexually in my sleep. Again. What disrespect because he knows this hurts me. He does it anyway. I’m thinking he may find a way to peg it onto me. Like it’s my fault we don’t have sex more than we do. I talked to him briefly and he didn’t seem sorry. I feel resentment and much anger and not sure where to go from here. I’ve been having lots of trouble sleeping and this really just adds to the problem. What would you do if in my shoes? I’m thinking I’ll punch him in the face

28 Replies

😟 Starrlight... 💛... I am so sorry. What he did is so so wrong & that even feels understated. A love one should NEVER violate someone like that... NEVER. I don't give a ____ what his excuse/ reason(s) are, just no. You are definitely justified for your feelings. I would beyond upset... I can't even think clearly because so angry for him doing this to you. Love you hun... PM me if you need to talk. Here for you.

Starrlight in reply to melbrown

I know right!? It’s disgusting and there is no excuse. I have so many feelings about it and this has happened many times. I don’t think I can forgive anymore and I’m sad and angry and I don’t get how he can do it...he is sick with no respect. I respect myself. He does not and I’ve lost respect for him. I will pm you.

Starrlight you deserve better. You need to be with someone who doesn't treat ypu like property. You need to leave. That's probably a huge ROOT OF ALL YOUR problems. I always suspected a poor marital state. Message if you need me or just to vent

Starrlight in reply to DJB74

I don’t think it’s the root of all my problems but yeah you are so right I deserve better. Thank you. I will pm you.

This is truly awful and inexcusable!

If it were me, I would not stay with him. I appreciate it probably doesn’t feel as simple as that to you but no one should be allowed to treat you like this!

I know it’s true he will not treat me like this again ... it sucks that I need a good plan to keep him away... I need him to leave me alone. I can barely wait to talk to my therapist for ideas. I have told him I’ve lost respect and there’s no excuse.

Honestly, that is assault, which is defined as "concerted attempt to do something demanding." That happened to me with an ex of mine. I was so scared and half asleep, 6'3 guy on me, that I went in to "fight mode" and kicked him right between the legs and he fell back. I can't tell you what to do, but that is an extremely serious thing he is doing. You have a few options 1. Stay with him and explain he better not do it again 2. If you have the means and he's abusive, leave; 3. If you want to leave, but don't have the means, maybe there is a women's hotline to call to get you out. You are worthy of being treated with dignity, respect, love, and a human being.

Thank you Caringrose

So sorry Star,

Unfortunately, some men can't control themselves. No excuse though.

It's clearly abuse and disrepect.

A loving Christian man would NEVER do such a hurtful thing.

Fortunately, there still are GOOD men who treasure a good woman.

You have a decision to make and a mediator may be needed.

I believe you will make a wise choice.

Respectfully yours

Thank you.

Hello :-)

O my goodness my friend I never knew this was happening and I have to be honest I was so shocked when I read it

In the UK even if you are married if your Husband had sex with you without your consent it would be classed as Rape !!!!

And to be honest if this is what your husband is doing when you are asleep then it is Rape in my eyes and there is no way I would accept it no matter if he feels our sex life is not enough or not !!!!!

Yes I first thought the same I would punch him in the face or as I say punch his lights out but then thinking about it I would tell him if he is not happy with how our sex life is then I would show him the door at the same time as telling him if he stays and EVER does that again to me I will be reporting him and the relationship will be over !!!!

I am so very sorry this is happening and I am sending you huge hugs with the loudest message telling you this is totally unacceptable and you should not tolerate it EVER again !

Take Care x

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

He doesn’t get that far as I wake up yelling at him and so don’t know how far he would take it.

I appreciate your response. I need all my friends support right now.

My world is strange right now.

lulu-1 in reply to Starrlight

Hello :-)

It does not matter how far he gets , the fact is if you did not wake he would and he is trying to without your consent , good job he doesn't live with me he would be walking around like a cowboy that had lost his horse !!!!

It has to stop my friend and on this one I say you have to make it clear , you are not a piece of meat you are a human being and should settle for no less than total respect because everyone should be respected no matter what and that includes you :-) x

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

I’ve kicked him out of the room and having the kids sleep with me so that I can feel safe.

lulu-1 in reply to Starrlight

Don't blame you one bit tat is one way to stop it for now but when you are feeling up to it then you will have to decide what long term you want :-) x

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

If someone doesn’t treat you the way you deserve then they don’t deserve you. I know that’s true.

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

One time I tried to tell my family and was considering telling the cops about sexual abuse/ rape but they either didn’t believe me or thought it too serious of a charge to go to the police with and I felt so alone like I do now. I did call them once for domestic violence many years ago and they took him for a bit I can’t recall what all happened.

Here I am suffering and he is just going about his usual business.

lulu-1 in reply to Starrlight

Hello :-)

You have us and we believe you and if you do want to report it then you make them believe you !

You have these Communities full of support this time all there to hold your hand while you sort this out :-) x

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

Thanks for being here. I’m in a place where I just want it to not be true and it’s hard to grasp and I need time to step back and really see it. It’s hard to see straight when you’re in it. If one of my friends had this happen I would think he was scum and want her to leave. But it’s me and my mess that I didn’t cause and for now I’m just angry.

lulu-1 in reply to Starrlight

Totally get where you're thinking is coming from , give yourself time you will come eventually to what if anything you decide to do and whatever that may be you have people to talk to :-) x

Starrlight in reply to lulu-1

You are such a good friend. Thanks.

I’m so sorry I had no idea this was happening to you!! Hard to say what I’d do ideally report it to local officials - it’s rape or at least attempted rape. I know that’s easier said than done. I’m so sorry my firend

Its rape starlight, please get out as soon as possible. You've done one of the hardest things by speaking out on here. Do the biggest step and leave then you can decide whether or not to report him because that decision is harder if you're in the same house as him. I suffered a similar experience from my son's father, and I started to say 'just do what you want to do and leave me alone'. I made a diary of what he did, days and times and what he would say to make me feel worthless!! I took it for 3yrs and I got away with my son, the justice system was pathetic back in '96 and the mental scars are still there, I have PTSD from it but if I had let him carry on I wouldn't be here today. Please get out, he doesn't own you xx

I'm so sorry for what happened to you and what you're going through, Starrlight.

As BeeBee50 says, it is rape and it's a very serious crime. It's also domestic abuse.

I've linked the National Domestic Violence Helpline (below) and related information to look into for further support.

Telephone: 0808 2000 247 (open all day everyday)

Website: nationaldahelpline.org.uk (see also: Woman's Aid England webpage womensaid.org.uk/informatio... for information and support)

This is for the UK. I don't know if you're in the UK or not, but there is a more comprehensive list of support by country in the Heal My PTSD Community Crisis Hotlines post: healthunlocked.com/healmypt...

Edit: Just seen you're in the US. Here is the US Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

I'll keep the other information up incase there's anyone in the UK or a different country reading who's in a similar situation.

My understanding is that they won't tell you what to do, but they'll listen and give emotional support, and they'll be able support you in leaving the relationship if this is something you decide to do.


Starr, I'm sorry this happened again. It is very disrespectful and rape like others have stated. It just makes your healing harder. Im angry at him just reading your post. Mine never violated me sexually but I truly understand your resentment and anger. Three years later I still can't figure out how to let go of the resentment and anger towards a dead man. You and the kiddos need to come first over his so called needs. I truly hope you can make a change quickly. Im here for you if you need to talk. Hugs!!! ❤

Starrlight in reply to All_alone

It hurts so much I want to give up but I stay alive for my kids only I give my all to them and never a thing to him again

All_alone in reply to Starrlight

Please give to yourself also as well as your kiddos!!!

Omg I just read this. This is a piece of scum. He doesn't own you. You are a human being who should be treated like one. I'm a man and in no way would I treat anyone like this. Believe it or not I have seen a woman like this. She goes to the police if she doesn't get what she wants and tells the police he has been abusing her. He left her. She has since been married several times doing the same to them. Crazy stuff that goes on in the world. I hope you get relief from this dingaling.

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