Bad thoughts but not a bad person

I started with anxiety whilst on a holiday in America in 1999 it just came out of nowhere one minute I was fine the next I was in a terrible state. Seeing things, frightened, sweating from my hands, pains in my head. I thought I was going to die.

When I returned I visited my doctor and he said I was suffering from anxiety but did not give me any medication to treat me.

My Mum passed away in November 2000 and I was admitted into hospital, as again I was seeing things and having hallucinations. Severely frightened, clammy hands, pains in my head. I was put on Olanzapine 10 mg and was told I had a chemical missing in my brain which dealt with stress and emotion and that I had had a psychotic episode.

I have had problems on and off ever since, same again when my dad passed away in 2008

In December 2015 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and placed on Gonapeptyl and HRT, I still take 2.5 mg olanzapine and cipralex anti-depressant.

I have started having problems again I have this thought in my head that when I die everyone who knows me goes into a time when they are at their worse and do not go to heaven when they pass away. I feel that this is all my fault and I fear having an operation for my endometriosis because I am terrified what might happen to the people I love if I was to pass away during the operation. I am not a bad person at all, I am kind to everyone around me. I help people and would give any one my last penny if they needed it.

I feel everyone knows what I am thinking and they are giving me dirty looks in public

I don’t know why I have these thoughts but it is worrying and upsetting me very much. I love my Mum and Dad with all my heart and I miss them every day, I am unsure if they are at peace in heaven, because of these thoughts.

I don’t know if I am suffering from OCD anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

4 Replies

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  • Hello :-)

    I am sorry to see you posted a year ago and had no replies

    The Community has been quite but we are trying to see if we can get it to become more active again so if you ever look on do let us know how we are doing and update us from where you left of with this post

    OCD can give you intrusive thoughts as well as grief and this does not make you a bad person but someone that needs help and I hope you have been getting that help and support :-)

    Take Care x

  • Thanks for your reply

    I a having coucilling and EMDR therapy and doing realky well.

    Thank you for taking the time to reply to me much appreciated

    Take care honey x

  • Hello :-)

    Brilliant ! Fantastic news and I hope the progress you have made long continues :-)

    If you ever need to talk we are still here and you are always welcome :-)

    Take Care x

  • Thank you sweetheart xx

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