Bad thoughts but not a bad person

I started with anxiety whilst on a holiday in America in 1999 it just came out of nowhere one minute I was fine the next I was in a terrible state. Seeing things, frightened, sweating from my hands, pains in my head. I thought I was going to die.

When I returned I visited my doctor and he said I was suffering from anxiety but did not give me any medication to treat me.

My Mum passed away in November 2000 and I was admitted into hospital, as again I was seeing things and having hallucinations. Severely frightened, clammy hands, pains in my head. I was put on Olanzapine 10 mg and was told I had a chemical missing in my brain which dealt with stress and emotion and that I had had a psychotic episode.

I have had problems on and off ever since, same again when my dad passed away in 2008

In December 2015 I was diagnosed with Endometriosis and placed on Gonapeptyl and HRT, I still take 2.5 mg olanzapine and cipralex anti-depressant.

I have started having problems again I have this thought in my head that when I die everyone who knows me goes into a time when they are at their worse and do not go to heaven when they pass away. I feel that this is all my fault and I fear having an operation for my endometriosis because I am terrified what might happen to the people I love if I was to pass away during the operation. I am not a bad person at all, I am kind to everyone around me. I help people and would give any one my last penny if they needed it.

I feel everyone knows what I am thinking and they are giving me dirty looks in public

I don’t know why I have these thoughts but it is worrying and upsetting me very much. I love my Mum and Dad with all my heart and I miss them every day, I am unsure if they are at peace in heaven, because of these thoughts.

I don’t know if I am suffering from OCD anxiety and I don’t know what to do.

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