Just venting or ranting..
I have been through hell since the day I was born and as I get older I feel it gets worse and worse.. life to me is a big test worse than the SAT or a career type test.. if you cannot get through an obstacle it's game over.. hence only the strong survive.. I have had friends commit suicide before I have felt sad about it but I believe it's a sign of weakness a cowards way out if you must.. it's unfortunate.. but it's true... I do not have the guts to "pull the trigger" but I do have the guts to be LIMITLESS when it comes to crossing streets on a green.. or little shit like that.. I'm not saying I'm suicidal I just do not believe I have the guts to do it myself.. or at all ever any way after all the pain I have been through I believe I have trained myself to never cry again.. in doing this I can no longer express the way I feel in sad situations.. my uncle died I stood there expressionless I felt the pain I just couldn't express it.. the look of tears at the funeral.. I couldn't be there for the wake service because the pain was unbearable.. instead I ended up having sex with my girlfriend.. I felt messed up for that but I couldn't bear the pain.. if you do not know how this all feels the very next time you have to cry hold it back as long as you can.. it becomes tragic and you will eventually be in water works.. but for me that's no longer the case.. I don't even feel alive at this point.. I feel every other emotion but tears... I'll express my sadness with a laugh or anger.. I will not see a therapist I do not think they help me at least nor do I trust adults never have since I was a kid and to this day I do not know why.. I'm sure I can assume why but I do not wanna think I was molested or something else which I doubt happened but maybe it's because of the neglect I received as a kid half my life.. before being adopted at 13.. and my anxiety of 4 years does not help me what so ever to feel ALIVE because I'm stuck in one position and I cannot break free.. I just feel as I'm dead inside and an empty shell... just a slave to the system..
Every one who has tried to help me has given up on me or they stopped communicating with me whether they were busy or saw no hope in me... God even gave up or I gave up on him because the one person that was very religious said and promised he would help no matter what and he left me dead cold.. I had high hopes that his story that "God" saved him when he was ready to pull the trigger on a shotgun that was in his mouth.. the only time my emotions got out was when I used to cut... but I'm not an attention seeker and do not wish myself harm I just wish myself better and I do not wanna do it with medication I was never diagnosed with depression as I am very good at hiding it..
I'm hopeless.. I'm dead.. I'm soul-less.. I continue this burden because I know what it feels like to lose someone to suicide it doesn't help anything what so ever it only makes things worse.. for the ones that love you.