Rant?

[kevoreally]

Just venting or ranting..

I have been through hell since the day I was born and as I get older I feel it gets worse and worse.. life to me is a big test worse than the SAT or a career type test.. if you cannot get through an obstacle it's game over.. hence only the strong survive.. I have had friends commit suicide before I have felt sad about it but I believe it's a sign of weakness a cowards way out if you must.. it's unfortunate.. but it's true... I do not have the guts to "pull the trigger" but I do have the guts to be LIMITLESS when it comes to crossing streets on a green.. or little shit like that.. I'm not saying I'm suicidal I just do not believe I have the guts to do it myself.. or at all ever any way after all the pain I have been through I believe I have trained myself to never cry again.. in doing this I can no longer express the way I feel in sad situations.. my uncle died I stood there expressionless I felt the pain I just couldn't express it.. the look of tears at the funeral.. I couldn't be there for the wake service because the pain was unbearable.. instead I ended up having sex with my girlfriend.. I felt messed up for that but I couldn't bear the pain.. if you do not know how this all feels the very next time you have to cry hold it back as long as you can.. it becomes tragic and you will eventually be in water works.. but for me that's no longer the case.. I don't even feel alive at this point.. I feel every other emotion but tears... I'll express my sadness with a laugh or anger.. I will not see a therapist I do not think they help me at least nor do I trust adults never have since I was a kid and to this day I do not know why.. I'm sure I can assume why but I do not wanna think I was molested or something else which I doubt happened but maybe it's because of the neglect I received as a kid half my life.. before being adopted at 13.. and my anxiety of 4 years does not help me what so ever to feel ALIVE because I'm stuck in one position and I cannot break free.. I just feel as I'm dead inside and an empty shell... just a slave to the system..

Every one who has tried to help me has given up on me or they stopped communicating with me whether they were busy or saw no hope in me... God even gave up or I gave up on him because the one person that was very religious said and promised he would help no matter what and he left me dead cold.. I had high hopes that his story that "God" saved him when he was ready to pull the trigger on a shotgun that was in his mouth.. the only time my emotions got out was when I used to cut... but I'm not an attention seeker and do not wish myself harm I just wish myself better and I do not wanna do it with medication I was never diagnosed with depression as I am very good at hiding it..

I'm hopeless.. I'm dead.. I'm soul-less.. I continue this burden because I know what it feels like to lose someone to suicide it doesn't help anything what so ever it only makes things worse.. for the ones that love you.

[Dreamer366]

I'm very sad to hear your story. I don't know if you realise, but you come across very angry, and this might sometimes push people away.

I don't have a magic answer, but you clearly need (and deserve) some help for how you're feeling. I understand not wanting to be on medication, and not believing that therapy will help. (Although these things DO help a lot of people, and I wouldn't close your mind completely to at least TRYING these options), but you seem to be closing all the avenues that MIGHT help you, without giving yourself openings of options that you might actually try. Different things work for different people, and sometimes it's a long, painful process of trial and error whilst trying to find out what works (or doesn't) for YOU.

Coming on here, and telling us how you're feeling. That's a start. And if that's all you can manage right now. Please keep doing it. Because although our stories are different, we're all here, as part of a club, that nobody really wants belong to!! And we do care.

But try to seek some professional help too. See your Doctor, and try and find out what options there are in your area. Because even if you find something that helps you a little bit, or makes you feel better for just a short length of time. Isn't that better than nothing at all.

Take care and stay in touch.

[kevoreally in reply to Dreamer366]

I was angry back when I was younger once I found meditation I have found somewhat of inner peace my anger or loss of hope is from my anxiety that I can't live a normal regular life like I used to and it make me feel dead like an empty shell but I know this is all temporary and nothing lasts forever

[Dreamer366 in reply to kevoreally]

Yes, I understand about anxiety, loss of hope, feeling empty. Keep up with your meditation, it sounds like it's doing yougood. No nothing lasts forever, there's hope for all of us. Good luck.