Is my daughter safe

[Sooty123]

Hi can someone help my partner and I have been separated for over 2 years and he is blaming everything he does on his depression saying his moods change all the time I am worried my daughter is not safe when she is with him he is not the man I used to know and can get nasty and when I pull him up on it he blames it on his depression should I stop him having our daughter

[CarolineLondon]

Maybe you could talk to 'Relate' they should have some good advice as relationships are their speciality. I would suggest keeping them apart isnt a good idea, be it now or when she is grown up you could be accused of harming their relationship. I think the answer lays somehwhere between suggesting short term he sees her with you and you plan active good thngs you can do together. Or maybe getting him to agree a specific time when you can be alone together and talk about your daughter.

It would need to be kid gloves and you would have to be the bigger person, acknowledging his good points as a person and father before ultimately saying you are concerned about his depression. If you explain that you are not only concerned about his mood swings because of his behaviour towards his daughter (or anyone ) because of her safety, but also because you dont want to see him suffer he may open up. Deep down he only wants the best for your daughter and that's the motivation, help him see that from outside if you were displaying the same tendency to become angry as he does, he might be concerned about the outcome. Don't accept a flat out "okay I will be careful around her", or "I will change my ways", say to him how can 'we' work on this together. You may even have to ask what you can do to help him.

Its the old adage the means justifies the end. If your daughter can see you helping her dad, if she can see you both taking her welfare seriously enough to take the problem and her problems seriously, you as the ultimate carer can look forward to a very bright future.

She will be suffering too and though you may not want to be with your partner, driving a wedge with your daughter in the middle will make things 100 times worse.

If you feel you cannot be empathetic towards him, I really would suggest someone like relate, ask them how you create a condusive way forward. If they start talking legal stuff run for the hills, that way is lasting misery. Explain you need coping skills, just how do you approach him to open a healing conversation.

I hope that helps, I may or may not be right, but from experience with friends and family this is what helps, get pride out of the way and let the end result of all three of you being happy be your focus. You can do this, you are a smart resourceful person.

I really hope it works out for all of you.

XX

[Sooty123 in reply to CarolineLondon]

I have done nothing but be fair to him he has hurt me so bad with all his affairs but I have never stopped him seeing his kids he is telling his girlfriend lies about me and admits to me he does it so she feels sorry for him lately I have been slagged off in the street because of this and at the weekend I hada threatening typed letter put through my door obviously from an aquitents of his I worry my daughters not safe with him x

[Minty123]

Hi there, have you considered that your former partner may have an alcohol problem? Depression, mood swings, not taking responsibility and always blaming, nastiness, unpredictability, not the man he used to be are all signs, even if he doesn't actually drink a lot.

It is a progressive illness and sets in very very slowly, so it creeps up on you without realising it. If you feel like you are walking on egg shells around him, so you don't upset him, that is a sure sign.

Al-Anon (al-anonuk.org.uk) provides marvellous support for families and friends of people with alcohol problems.

How old is your daughter? How is he when he is with her? How does she respond?

Best wishes

Minty123

[Sooty123 in reply to Minty123]

Hi yes when we were together he liked a drink but I don't know if he still does drink my daughter is 11 and lived her dad but hates going to his as she says it's boring I have been making her go even though I don't want her to her dad has said some really awful things about me and his kids to his lady friends and when I've asked why he tells them lies his reply is I want them to feel sorry for me I'm convinced he crashed his car on purpose last year to harm himself this was after he had dropped our daughter back home to me everything in his life that goes wrong he blames his depression my main concern is my daughter not being safe when with him x

[CarolineLondon in reply to Sooty123]

Listen sounds to me lke you need some professional help not for your moods (you may need that) but help as to how this can be approached another way. Honestly I would try your docs and 'Relate,' ask them just how are you to cope with someone who lies and is manipulative. I dont know enough to guide you but someone will and for some people it is their job (a job they want to do ) to resolve conflict. Please dont struggle alone. Im sure you have done your best and Im sure you've been more than generous but youve struggled alone long enough. This has to work because eventually it will damage your relationship with your daughter...no matter how careful you are. Theres no shame in askng for help.

You need a better life than this, what is happening to you is unacceptable and unreasonable.

I really hope things get better and I am so very sorry you have to go through this.

Greatest of luck to you XX

[Minty123]

In my opinion your 11 year old daughter is old enough to have a conversation with about whether she wants to go to her dad's.

Also, maybe it is time to trust your instincts about her safety, and stop making her go.

[helper01]

Don't make your daughter go! have faith that he can say what he wants, but the people that are close to you and know you are the ones that won't listen to him because they know you. And your daughter can see clearly what is going on with no influence from anyone, she will make her own mind up.

get some professional advice.

Good luck x