Sad day.... another angel has joined its siblings :-(

Well I went to hospital for my 16 week check up.... wonderfully everything had been going well with pregnancy number 8 until today... saw midwife first off and she couldn't find baby's heartbeat with the doplar... I had been certain something was going to go wrong today and this was starting to confirm my worries... because she couldn't find the heartbeat I was sent for a scan... sadly I heard the awful words of the sonographer saying I need to get my colleague to check the scan. I've been here 4 times before so broke down. My bubs has died at 14 weeks and now I'm waiting to go back for the medical miscarriage on Sunday. Totally gutted and think 7 angels and 1 miracle is it... I just can't keep doing this to myself.. I really wish aps would just jog on and leg us women have nice simple pregnancies xxxx kate xxxx

32 Replies

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  • Dear Kate. I am so sorry to hear about this, how awful for you, do you have family and friends around you, for now during and after. Please look after yourself and keep in touch with us all, I am sending you lots of love and positive thoughts at a very very difficult time. Which hospital do you have to go into... I hope they are very kind to you. Take you time to grieve and don't rush anything. I normally check in on here several times a day. So contact us or me any time. Mary F xxx and a big hug!

  • I am so very very sorry. Its the most awful thing to happen, I lost four babies before having my daughter. Was blessed to have her as had to have hysterectomy after, so can feel some of your pain. You must look after yourself and allow yourself to grieve your loss.

    Take care and big gentle hugs !! x

  • Aww kate im so sorry hun i knw its not easy its a tough time u seem so very strong going through this so many times i wish u well and hope that u r feeling better soon and i hope u have gd support and if u ever need to talk im a good listner loads hugs kerry xxx

  • Kate, heartfelt hugs, healing, love and support for you, your husband/partner and your little one - please take all the time you need to grieve, cry your tears, and heal - APS is a cruel cruel disease to take something so precious I had 2 sons before losing 7 babies and sadly not more for me, but thankful for the 2 I have but now I have 3 beautiful grandchildren to love and cherish

    Warm and gentle hugs of support, care and healing for you

    lesley :)

  • Thank you all. I am thankful to have a fabulously supportive family. I am currently more worried about the actual miscarriage as I've never lost this late on before... I'm also angry that baby has been dead for 2 weeks yet bubs / body hasn't started the natural process already. I know the anger is part of the grief but its good to have people in the know to vent to... hugs to you all xxxx

  • Kate... I wish I could give you a hug or hold your hand. I am so so sorry you have lost your little baby. Those of us who have been in your position understand your feeling and emotions...all of them. Kate...one of my losses was at 15 weeks and the "natural process" didnt occur then either. I remember those feelings... just knowing something wasnt right and then this odd frustration that you are having. We will see our little angels one day...until then know that we all are here for you and sending lots of love to you.

  • Awwww Kate, I can't even begin to imagine yr pain. Wish there was something that could be said or more importantly, something done, to help you. Best wishes xx

  • I'm so sorry, Kate, sending you much love. x

  • Hi Kate,

    I am so sorry for your loss you know we are all here for you

    Paddy

  • Big gentle hugs Kate. This is one of the cruelest aspects of APLS. My heart goes out to you.

    I have travelled this journey many times too and it never gets any easier.

    I am also happy to talk via email if you need someone.

  • Hi Kate

    Im so sorry about the loss of your precious little angel. I wish I could find the words to help get you through the next few days. I do know that so many of us understand and share your pain.

    Give yourself time to grieve hon,

    Sending you big but gentle hugs, love and a hand to hold when you need me.

    Here if you need me. Pm me and will give you phone number if you need to chat.

    Take care gentle hugs love Sheena xxxxx :-) :-(

  • Hi Kate , so sorry to hear your sad news. Are you in the UK if so try the Miscarriage association. There are local support groups which can help practical and emotional.

    hugs sharon xx

  • Oh Kate - I am so so sorry to hear your awful news :( I too had a missed miscarriage at 15 weeks when the baby had died two weeks earlier - apparently the pregnancy has taken hold so well by then that your body carries on as in a normal pregnancy. You will need an ERCP procedure which is a bit more serious than a D&C. I was OK afterwards but did get an infection and haemorrhaged (I was in Paris 'getting over it' at the time - joy!)

    I've been in your position before when you've got to try and decide how much more of this you can take. It sounds like you have a wonderfully supportive family but you must look after yourself. Also, remember to give yourself time to grieve - you have had a later loss and sometimes this is more difficult to come to terms with. You have every right to mourn this loss.

    Sending you the best possible vibes for what will probably be one of the most difficult times in your life. As Sharon says, the Miscarriage Association, do have some really helpful pointers for emotional support so maybe lean on them a little as well as your family.

    With deepest sympathy,

    Kate x

  • Thank you again everyone. Yes I am in the UK and did want to ask a question. If I felt I was able to try again I think I wild like to work with medical professionals that are actually expert in the aps field. Can anyone suggest a fertility specialists or ob with specific interest in aps. Obviously haven't decided if I'm up to trying again yet but my husband and I just don't feel ready to give up on completing our family just yet.

    Much hugs kate xxxx

  • I would recommend Professor Lesley Regan at the Recurrent Miscarriage Unit at St Mary's in Paddington. I've just been looking at her CV for our speaker profiles on the HSF Patients' Day and you won't get anyone more qualified or experienced than her. She is the president of the UK Early Pregnancy Association so she REALLY is in the know. Wishing you a better outcome next time - if you decide to go for it again. x

  • Thank you kate. I shall go armed to my GP with that info.

    Many thanks, kate xx

  • Oh Katie I feel for you having like lots of people on here experienced what you are going through now. The best thing i can say to you is advise a nurse gave me many years ago,

    'be good to yourself'

    I will be thinking of you and hope this loss can give you strengh for the future

  • Take care, thinking of you xx

  • Hi Kate

    , I am so sorry for the loss of your little Angel, and I do feel for you. I have had two late miscariages, 1st at 20 weeks

    2nd 27 weeks I had hellp syndrome so had to have our baby induced

    On the brighter side our Son was born at 31 weeks. 1lb 14oz 867gms He has beautiful grandson who is now 1 and a half,

    We really needed another child of our own and having to be serilized at 23 we

    decided we would like to adopt unable to get a young baby as we already had a child.

    We decided we wanted to foster with a view to adoption and when our daughter came into our lives at two and a half it made our lives complete.

    I will never forget my Angels and are so grateful for what I have now.

    Our babies had to be induced as it was too late for anything else. I was given loads of valium.so wasn't aware of much until later and grieved for our loss.

    I often wonder whether things would have been different if I had been given Asprin and Clexane

    .8 is such a lot of little babies I am so sorry for you, thinking of you

    Love Karen xx

  • I'm so sorry Kate, I feel very deeply for any of you that has gone through this heart ache, I feel your anger, I am here if you want to vent off......I have broad shoulders hun.

    Thoughts are with you & yours, Sue xx

  • Hi Kate

    So sorry for your loss, it must be soooo difficult. Be brave, big hug and hope you will be ok. Cant imagine what you must be going through.....keep strong. Lots of love and best wishes sara xxxx

  • Hi Kate

    Just a note to let you know I`m thinking of you.

    Take care gentle hugs love Sheena xxxxxxxxxx :-) :-) :-)

  • Kate:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a son, at 29 weeks and a daughter at 27 weeks. God blessed my husband and I with three amazing children through foster care and then adoption. It seems like only yesterday, but it was actually in 1985 and 1988. Time heals, but the hurt will always be there. How I wish they would of known about APS then.

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Donna

  • Kate

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through but send my deepest condolences to you and yours. x

  • Update: well everyone we had out baby yesterday. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life and I'm feeling totally shattered today. We had a little boy and were able to see him, name him and say our goodbyes.

    I'm so grateful to all the support you have sent to me and my family during this sad time. I'm not sure where to go from here but I,m sure my husband and I will make it though eventually.

    RIP to our little baby Joshua. Always loved and never forgotten xxxxx

  • I'm absolutely devastated for you. I'm so sorry you've had to lose so late, its so very cruel. RIP baby Joshua x x x x x x x

  • Hugs hun, thoughts are with you & your family.......hugs being sent to you to keep you strong, RIP little Joshua xxxx

  • My heart bleeds for you as I have also been tortured with the loss of babies at 21 wks,19 wks and younger. Tragically, it was the 70's and 80's and APS was not a recognized cause so I suffered through my pregnancies, 2 successful full term and 1 preemie,31 wks, It certainly stripped me of my "innocence". I never believed I was going to have a baby until I could hold them in my arms. With all the horrible symptoms I live with, I am eternally grateful that I had the strength to keep trying as my three wonderful sons are now grown men with children of their own. I loved the ones I lost every bit as much as the ones I've been blessed with.Joshua chose to be loved by you. I believe you have every right to grieve and I pray for your recovery.

  • I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I lost my daughter at 20 weeks,she would have been 8 a few days ago, I'll never forget the trauma of her birth and what went before and after,but I don't want to as that is all I have of her. Even now, my husband and I are nervous about trying again and I'm not sure if it will happen for us.

    I wish I had words to ease the pain or heal the wounds but there are none. The touch of an angel, however brief it may be in your life, leaves it's mark forever.Time makes it more bearable but you can hurt only as long as you can love.

    I'm here if you want someone to talk to.

  • So sorry for your losses, all of them. There is nothing really that anybody can say or do to to ease the pain you are going through.

    Please don't give up on trying for another baby, I am sure you will be blessed with a beautiful baby soon. I too like so many of us have gone through similar pain, I had four misscarriages, they were all around the 12 to 13 weeks gestation. My first child, unknown to me at the time that I had Lupus was born 7 weeks premature, I was told it was just one of those things. Thankfully she was fine and weighed in at 6lbs. My pregnancy was not straight forward though, but being my first I did not know that I had symptons that other mothers did not have, and I just put it down to me. I had four misscarriages over the next 6 years, but I was blessed again to become pregrant and thankfully I was referred to Liverpool Welll Women's Hospital where they took great care of me, as by then I was no longer a young mom as I was 40. I too started to bleed again at 8 weeks, thinking the worse, but I got an appointment at Liverpool the next day and I was started on asprin and heparin straight away, and my little boy was born again 7 weeks premature weighing in at 4lb.8ozs.

    Both my children are know 21 and 13 and they are healthy and well adjusted kids. I am not saying it has been easy, no of course it hasen't, but life is not easy in sooo many ways, its a road to hell sometimes, but thankfully we seem to come out of it. I hope and pray all works out for you and your family, give yourself time.

    Love and hugs, xxx

  • Thank you all (again) for your ongoing support. I am generally ok now but obviously think of my boy, that briefly visited before heading off to his brothers and sisters in the sky, several times a day but mostly not accompanied by tears.... I am considering having 1 more week off work then returning which is going to be hard mostly as there is another member of staff who was a month ahead of me in her 2nd 'normal' pregnancy and of course there will be the normal difficulties like the summer holidays coming as that would have been when i kinda started mat leave etc etc but life has to carry on and I am blessed with my wonderful daughter and fantastically supportive husband... I am now just waiting for the results of joshuas placenta tests and also if my referral to St Mary's will go ahead by my husband and I have decided that we're not going to be careful and what will be will be....

    Thank you all again. Much love Kate and Co xxxx

  • I am so very sorry for you nd your husband, and for little joshua who Im sure knows wherever he is just how precious and loved he is. I have three little guardian angelswho always have a place here withus all, im sure you feel the same that time never heals but you just learn how to live alongside the grief and do as best you can in life. I so wish this pain away from you. Theres a sense of satisfaction knowing that nothing in this life can ever hurt you as much as this can, and the only way I could ever see a way through it is by saying that for me to hurt as bad as i have and feel this physical ache and pain in my heart means that even if just for a short while I had something so precious that meant so much to me in ratio to the hurt. Some people are never able to have what we had in our tummies, and I feel so blessed to have been given them even if just for a short while. You are in my thoughts plenty even if ive only just got to writing xx

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