I'm here to seek some helpful advice. I got married six years ago. Now, my husband is not happy with me, and he changed a lot. He started some bad habits of drinking and smoking. He is not listening to me and not spending time with me. I have tried a lot to talk with him, but he is not willing. Yesterday he showed some rude behavior towards me, and my child was scared after watching his action. I'm afraid that I'm losing our family bond. I have shared this problem with my Mom, and she advised me to take him to relationship therapy. I found my nearest relationship therapist [cognitivebehaviourtherapyto... ]. I don't know whether he agrees with the decision. Does anyone in this group have any idea about relationship therapy? What are the procedures of attending therapy?
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maydy7300
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I am a psychotherapist. Perhaps you would like to send me a private message. Include where you are located ie the area not your address, that way I may be able to point you in the right direction.
Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is not the only form of therapy & is not known for its "relational " therapy.
From what you wrote, I am very concerned about you.
Any sign of violent behaviour, I recommend you leave immediately & go somewhere safe, like your Mom
Unfortunately, I will not be able to reply until Sunday.
I was going to recommend Ros, but I see she has already reached out to you.
A gentle reminder during this very stressful event/ time:
Keep your calm mind in moments when you can have clarity- to keep organized so the practical and necessary things don’t fall apart. ( mainly I’m thinking of your medications right now- so you stay healthy.)
If you have to quickly pack :
Make sure you have :
- all of your necessary medications
- cell phone, lap top and chargers.
- same items for child/ children
- important documents
- finances transferred into account/ access to Oyster card, etc... money
I cannot help, but I am so sorry you’re going through this. Please make sure that you and your child are safe. Make a plan, so if you must leave quickly, you can do so. Watch for signs of escalating behavior. If your Mom is not nearby, is there a friend or a safe house where you could go if needed? You will be in my prayers.
Hi, sorry that life is currently challenging, you have had some great advice from my co administrators and I agree with them, do the safest thing for yourself and family, you and your children come first. MaryF
Hi, sounds like your husband is very troubled and his actions are becoming very worrying.My colleagues have given good advice, only you know how precarious your situation is?
Below is a freephone number for you and/or your husband to talk through these issues, the British Red Cross can also signpost you both individually or together to other resources. They are available 10 - 6 7 days a week.
As my colleagues have stated if you or your children are unsafe, you need to find refuge elsewhere. Also the British Red Cross can put safeguarding actions in place and also assist you with all this.
Sometimes things can escalate quickly do please just be prepared just in case.
It would help if you give your location. Just country-not specifics. From your usage of 'Mom' I'm guessing US but we have forum members from all over even though this is a UK based page.
What a great observation. On statialone I assumed Uk and missed my own colloquial dialect.
You call google the National abuse hotline or your local police for immediate referral number to the best local number if you are in the USA.
( assuming you can’t immediately get to mother/ friend.)
Again, only you can know.
I have such hopes that all is not lost and he can get the professional help he needs to overcome his addiction- and underlying cycles of triggers.
I have amazing friends who have gone through “the program” - some more than once! They are so generous of spirit- so caring. They seem to understand life in a very unique and real way once they “get it.” Let’s hope together !
You have been given great advice so far so I would just reiterate the steps are safety and healthy boundaries for you first and secondly if he is genuinely not interested in relationship therapy it won’t work, it sounds like it’s more important for you to go by yourself to help you and when you feel stronger and also understand things clearer for you that’s when things will unfold as they should.
So check safety first and then prioritise you and your child and then lastly your relationship in that order. I hope that makes sense, take care.
Hi I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would have a bag packed and ready and at your mind if you need to leave quickly and a taxi number on speed dial. Be prepared that once you mention therapy it could set something off so do it in a day time when people are around and not after a drinking session. If it were me I would be staying elsewhere until he agrees to help and take no chances. Keep a diary of occurrences and how you feel, and if anything like that happens again you must log it with the police. It is there in record then. You can also ask about Claire’s law to see if he has displayed this behaviour before. Please keep us posted and best of luck. You do not have to put up with it, and if your mum knows this is happening then she should be helping you create a way out x
I’m so sorry you are going through this. And more sorry your child witnessed something to scare him.
Safety for you and your child comes first. You just said rude so we don’t know what happened (we don’t need to know) but that means we don’t know if you are in danger ⚠️
Without talking to you anything we say after safety information is going to be guess work.
The whole world is crazy and has been for some time. This has resulted in financial issues for many, stress for most of us and more time locked in together and away from family and friends.
Our work, wages, wider family, friends and hobbies are all very important aspects of our lives. Remove any part and adjustments mentally must be made but due to the pandemic most of us have temporarily lost them all.
I don’t know how ‘ill’ you are and how much that impacts upon your family & married life. Some partners find it hard to cope with changes that health conditions impose.
He may be struggling to cope with that and feel guilty because he is struggling. Which makes it more difficult to talk to anyone.
Some people struggle with parenthood and as the child grows and develops they feel lost and unsure of their role.
So many things could alter his behaviour. But in saying that, each of us, adults and children, are experiencing the same sense of loss. Everyone is struggling on some level and together with the fact we are all forced to stay together in our households; moods change and tempers fray. Little habits that one didn’t previously notice really wind you up now. All this is to be expected.
It is easier to isolate than to sit down and talk about feelings etc for a great many people. Ideally that is the first course of action (if it’s safe to do so).
As there seems to be a drastic change in personality then maybe a check up with the doctor is in order. Maybe he is unwell or concerned for his health. Maybe there is an underlying condition. Men are affected by their hormones just as us ladies are.
If testosterone levels drop, I believe, men can become depressed and angry as well as have less interest in sex.
Or... Changes in sleep patterns can mean he is not able to make the right amount of serotonin, which can result in depression.
Or... there could be nutritional imbalances that amongst other things can cause depression.
If there is no obvious issue then an MOT with his GP is called for I think.
If you want to bring your family back together then maybe make changes.
It would be good if you are able to put one evening aside when you all eat together and then play a game together or watch a film together and chat. My children still recall our Friday night board games.
Then set aside another night when you eat on your own just the two of you and chat about everything but focus on how you feel emotionally. Cuddle on the sofa or just sit and hold hands. No pressure for sex, just enjoy being together. Talk about the past if the future is too difficult. What attracted you to each other, things you did, places you went... mistakes you made. You maybe surprised you may relax and laugh together again.
As well as our own little families, we need others outside the home. Maybe you could encourage him to phone or FaceTime his mates/wider family regularly. Obviously I don’t know what he enjoys or is currently doing but look for something to fill the gap eg zoom workout sessions or zoom quizzes lots of people have gone to lots of effort to set things up on line.
If your both at home a lot, try to share the chores reorganising them to be more fair.
Maybe help each other and do different things eg you help wash the car and he helps cook. Anything to swap things around. Stop the boredom setting in. Have a laugh with each other. Try and recapture your previous connection.
Talking therapies may help but I’d seek help from a GP first. You could always talk first and then maybe he would prefer to talk on his own. Then progress to going together.
Provided you are safe, there’s lots that you can do. Maybe show him this message. The important thing is don’t play the victim (research The Victim's Triangle) or the blame game, neither will help. Listen really listen to each other without interrupting. Take on what each other says don’t argue they are wrong, this is about feelings and if we feel something then it is real. Often misguided but real!
Life causes pressure and problems and changes always but this last year has been unprecedented . You have done well to be where you are now. Don’t be too hard on each other.
I often feel guilty because I’m so ill and so don’t share my pain or feelings assuming my husband is fed up with me... I know it’s not good to assume yet I do it. Many of us do!
Even if you move out it needn’t be permanent, if he seeks physical and emotional help and you both keep talking, it can work out if that is what you both want. If staying together isn’t an option then those steps still need to be taken if he wants a relationship with your child:children.
Mandy amazing suggestions and information .Could I suggest have everything you need for every day life for both you and your child at your mums ready fir any occurrence. I do believe in leaving before any escalation. I think if it’s happened once and things stayed the same it Will happen again. Us women are so maternal and still want to look after everyone even at our own and our children’s expense.. everyone is there to help you.
I think all the advice you have been given is excellent. I just want to say that sometimes we need a break from our partners, it’s good for both. If you can stay with your mum or friends that would be ideal. Don’t go back until YOU feel the time is right. I wish you luck and hope your problems are soon resolved. X
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