Hey guys. I’ve been gone awhile. I’ve been in a slow decline since last June. You’d think covid would be the reason but actually I went full time in a job I dislike a lot but the situation we find ourselves in pushed me to it. I like my actual job just fine but my boss and the way we are all treated is toxic. I haven’t been able to get a handle on my anxiety for at least a week now. It is awful and affecting my minute to minute life. I’m not sure how much more I can take. There doesn’t seem to be an out let that works because I spend most of my life at the job that is “killing” me. I’m looking for a new one but they’re hard to come by in my field, especially at this time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful I still have a job but I’ve been suicidal before and I can’t go back to that place.
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cchase
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I'm really sorry for all you're going through, cchase.
It's really horrible when you have to spend almost everyday with a toxic person, or people.
It's not the same but I remember at school I really liked the teaching and learning but I was bullied so much. It made my life miserable.
I really hope you're able to get a new job in your field that's the same role but with a boss, and with people, that treat you with respect.
I know you get some people out there (the "toxic positivity" brigade, I like to call them ) who will say stuff like "Don't let them drive you out." "Don't let them 'win'." and "Why you should you be the one who has to leave?" Stuff like that.
Even, "Don't runaway from your problems. You can't resolve them by running away.", which is applicable in some situations, e.g. in a mutually respectful marriage where the couple may need to work through an issue, but not where there's a power differential with ill intended people who won't change.
Telling someone not to "runaway" from their problems is essentially asking then to suppress their own innate survival mechanism, their "flight" response, in the name of... what...? Being seen (by the toxic positivity brigade) as the "bigger person"?
The saying has its place but, when applied carelessly, is useless and potentially harmful.
(And victim blamey, IMHO. Although I'm wary of using that term as it's a buzz word, and I know the term "victim" can be a negative for some people and they don't want to identify with it. Maybe "survivor blamey" would be a better term? I could go on a philosophical speil about language and discourse but I'll leave it here... Anyway, hopefully you know what I mean. It's unfair to say to people on the recieving end of being treatment badly. I think "unfair" covers it.)
We can only control our own behaviour, not anyone else's, so moving away from people who are upsetting you and won't change is simply commen sense and a sign of self preservation.
I hope you can find a new job soon.
In the meantime, do whatever you can to distance yourself psychologically. Keep the subject of talk on work only and keep information about your personal life to a minimum. Be polite but vague if they ask about your weekend or something, giving a one sentence, socially acceptable answer.
If you're really struggling to cope, please do speak to a doctor as I'm concerned that you're beginning to feel suicidal. They may be able to sign you off from work due to stress.
You can also check out our Crisis Hotlines page (in the pinned posts) if you need to talk to someone.
This job is just a stepping stone and always has been. I was in a bad relationship that destroyed me, got sick and was slow to recover from everything. I started as a volunteer to get back out there and that turned into a part time job. Covid hit, staff changed and a full time opened. I knew 100% that it was a bad move but with out the extra money I was powerless to literally move. So I’m grateful that when an opportunity actually comes up i will be able to take it! This job isn’t in my field at all. And everyone I work with knows I’m there temporarily so that’s not an issue. I only talk work with my boss and that’s the problem. She’s a bully. She’s oblivious. She’s ungrateful. And she refuses to see the limits of her staff of 6, just keeps piling more and more on us.
I’m in therapy (but it’s only every 2 weeks) and that helps. My coworkers are great bc we’re all going through it together. I just happen to be the only one with anxiety disorders so it seems to be worse for me. I’m also the youngest so psychologically speaking I feel like an incapable child that they have to babysit (they all assure me that is not the case...it’s the anxiety talking...I hope).
Anyway, I could probably keep going but I won’t. Thank you for your response and trying to understand my situation! I hope you are well.
I'm very sorry, cchase.It sounds very stressful and I can imagine that spending so much time there can have a huge negative impact on you.
Living with a chronic stress like this is very draining.
I had a toxic bullying boss once and I remember telling myself she wasn't a center of the universe even though she wanted everyone to think she was.
I am thinking if trying to take care of your physical wellbeing would help at all with the stress but I realize it's the other way around usually- the stress impacts the physical wellbeing.
I know that with such a high level of anxiety, I need a lot more sleep to restore my body. It's harder to get myself to do nice things like a walk so it takes more effort to do any grounding.
Is it possible that you take small breaks? Perhaps you could have your favourite music with you or something else that is comforting like pictures.
That might help you with getting through it.
Also, talking to your colleagues as you are going through it together and help each other out.
I hope the right opportunity comes soon. It's good that you have everything in place to be able to take the new opportunity.
I know it's very hard when things are tough for so long and to endure so much is really a huge thing.
I wrote you a big long response hours ago and I just noticed that it didn’t actually post. I’m extremely frustrated by that and too mentally exhausted to try to do it again.
That’s such a hard place to be in knowing you need to keep going back for the money yet being in a place that’s doing further damage to you. The boss sound s horrid but I’m glad the other co workers are lovely to you. Maybe trying to talk back to the anxiety with things like I’m only here temporarily, and knowing you always have an out and can leave if you want to will make you feel less stuck. I really hope a new job comes up for you in your chosen field soon. The boss sounds like a bully and you can’t change bullies.
So true about bullies. I try to focus on the fact it’s temporary most of the time but I’ve been so week mentally lately and emotionally so it’s harder to focus on my tools! But I will work harder at it!
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) who will say stuff like "Don't let them drive you out." "Don't let them 'win'." and "Why you should you be the one who has to leave?" Stuff like that. 
PTSD and me.. old ghosts are revisiting..
it’s traumatic 
The day my world came crashing down.
DID is painful
