I just had this HUGE breakthrough conversation with my mother about a week ago and I am reeling from it. I have spent the past year trying to work intensively on recovering from complex PTSD/ developmental trauma caused by ongoing sexual abuse by my father and complete emotional neglect and abandonment by my mother and pretty much the rest of my family as well. My experiences have always been ignored and overlooked by my family and I have been expected to be silent and pretend everything was hunky dory for me. I have been told in many different ways by different people that almost no one believed that I was sexually abused.
My memories of the early days of my abuse have been only in bits and pieces until recently when I have been trying to put the pieces together and gather up the true narrative of my life. A few months ago I remembered the first time I was raped when I was 5 years old and it was devastating, but also validating be cause i always knew there was more than what I was remembering from that time. I have always known my father was arrested around that time and discovered that the charges against him were dropped when it was a young adult and searching for answers probably 20 years ago or so.
So last week, my mom was in town for a visit and I told her about my PTSD. I expected to be dismissed and belittled for this, but I don't really have the energy to hide how much I struggle anymore. I had decided before the conversation to just leave it at that and not get into the past or any kind of detail, but she completely blew me away when she said, " well I am not surprised after what happened to you." That led to a further conversation about what happened when my father was arrested and why the charges were dropped and why she turned me over to him every weekend for the rest of my childhood ( they were divorced around that time) and why she completely emotionally abandoned me.
That's a lot. It's more than I ever expected to know about what happened to me and I spent the first several days after the conversation in completely shock. Since then, though I have been extremely anxious and angry as well as grief stricken. I feel like I have had some sort of huge setback. Before this conversation I felt like I was starting to uncover some of who I truly am and making real progress in my recovery. Now I feel really lost again. Has anybody had something similar happen? I just never in a million years would have thought anyone in my family would come clean and admit to anything, least of all my mom. I want to be happy and grateful for that, but instead I feel utterly devastated.