My Life

[Onedayok]

Life is always just out of reach.The transparent wall unbreakable

The normality uncatchable

Thoughts jumbled with dizziness.

My Life

[cat3]

Your post is eerily similar to an essay I wrote many years ago as part of a college exam. The exam paper gave the title 'Breakdown' asking students to interpret it, in any context, in a 500 word essay. Mine began...

"My pit was not dark as I could see clearly through invisible walls stretching forever upwards. Nor was it bottomless, for I stumbled constantly on precarious, uneven ground."

My mental health issues and panic attacks dated back to childhood, so were unconnected to the later brain injury issues.

After half a lifetime, it was SSRI meds which finally put an end to the isolation, and the debilitating panic attacks. Not everyone's choice I know, but throughout several serious health issues and acrimonious divorce they saved me from falling back into the'pit'....

Really hope you find your way through to better days m'love..

Cat. x 🌈

[PurpleOverlord in reply to cat3]

Your college essay reminded me of something my therapist said. In this weird new world we're exploring, the ground is very uneven, lots of things we could fall over. But little things give us helpful landmarks. For me, it's a basic routine, just knowing that Monday is the day I have the child somewhere, Tuesday is the day I go to the gym, Wednesday is the day I ride my bike and go to therapy. They're tiny landmarks, but they are so important to light the way as I stumble through the uneven ground in the dark.

[cat3 in reply to PurpleOverlord]

Agreed ! Without routine I'm lost, but living mostly alone it's really easy to let things slide. So I plan tasks last thing each night for the following day, and mostly adhere to them unless something more pressing crops up.

I'm having long-awaited knee surgery this coming Thursday so, in the next few weeks, I can hopefully start making bigger & better plans. And stumbling over precarious ground should be a heck of a lot easier !

😄x

[PurpleOverlord]

That would be me too if I were trying to 'recapture' who I used to be. Luckily I gave that idea up very quickly because the strain and the depression were unbearable. My old life is gone, I mourned it, I went through the grief. Now I wander around in the woods, usually stoned. That's my life now. But you know what, it's pretty good here.

My clever therapist has told me that our society doesn't function at a natural pace at all. It's very artificial, and far too fast. Normobrains take a whole lifetime to adapt to the pace, and wear themselves out trying to keep up. Folk with a BI undergo a reset, of a kind. I've had two BIs, and with the first, I guess my reset wasn't quite as hard, and I managed to catch up with society's pace again. Some would call that a recovery. But with the second BI, I had a total reset after two months in a coma. Society rambles on at a speed I cannot comprehend at all, and have no wish to. So I'm learning how to cope with what I genuinely need to get done, and learning how to put the rest aside. How to talk to the people who are genuinely helpful and meaningful to me, and how to put the rest aside.