Relationship

[Mykel1]

It’s been a while since I last wrote. Each time I feel like posting, something else comes up or the issue just dissipates on its own. This time however, I feel this this is something I would appreciate a grownups perspective on. I am really going to try my best to stick to what I want to say without branching off. Just a brief back story, my partner suffered a devastating AVM. This resulted in almost a year stay in hospital. I remember Cat replying one of my messages and stating that things do improve. I honestly would never have seen it. Now my partner is able to read again, though slowly but she is able to do most of the cognitive things she used to but there are clearly some things she will never get back. Since my partner’s recovery, she has been reaching out to old friends, school mates etc. This has been a welcoming approach because she gets to interact with her old school friends and talks about days gone by. She has also been reaching out to her old ex boyfriends which she has told me about. She says she just wants to speak to people whom she knew, almost from a nostalgic perspective. It does sound relatively innocent but there is always a niggling thought at the back of my mind as to where this might lead. Recently, she has been talking to an ex of hers whom she knew from high school. This was the man who took her virginity as she humbly told me, but she also goes onto say that there is nothing between them. A week or so ago, we were driving to get a takeaway when he called her. There were lots of giggles and laughs and they sounded like two people on a date. She showed him so much more interest and they spoke as though I was not there. It was quite uncomfortable to say the least. They spoke for the entire journey which was about 45 minutes. I went to get the meal and came back, and they were still on the phone at which point she told him she would call him back. On the journey back, they were texting with the occasional giggles. I asked her what was up, and she didn’t respond. The next day I was slightly troubled with this development. I don’t want to call it jealousy, but I couldn’t stop wondering why she would have such a conversation with an ex like that. I totally understand that with brain injury, there is this lack of awareness of others’ emotions, and this is something I experience daily but considering everything we have been through, why would you flirt like that like telling him how nice he sounds. I would never do something like that to her, I wouldn’t ever want her to feel uncomfortable or get the sense that another woman has captured my attention. I later challenged myself on these emotions and reflected on how this was making me feel. I came to the conclusion that I was just being silly. This is an old friend of hers, surely, she would not think of getting back with him especially considering he is in another country. I care very deeply for my partner and would never leave her side. We did not really talk about it and I did not push the matter. That evening we sat up and watched a movie, and we spoke which was nice. We sleep in separate rooms at her request since being discharged from hospital. This was one of the changes that I silently had to adapt to following the injury. I asked if I could lay with her just for cuddles as we do sometimes, but she declined and said she was tired and wanted to rest. As I was walking out, her phone rang and guess what, it was her ex again. I heard them talking form close to 2 hours. Laughs and giggles, long silent pauses. I pretended to get some water just so I can catch something in the conversation, and it sounded as though they were on a date talking about their childhood etc. She later text me that night to say love you and how glad she is that I am in her life. This text raised suspicion because she never texts me. I thought this was either guilt or the fact that she knew how awkward it was. I text her back in the morning asking her to just be honest with me if she still has feelings for this guy. She responded saying I was being dramatic. The days following that, I worked through these emotions and rose above them. I cannot stop her from talking to whomever she wants. I cannot police her life and start to make her feel guilty for having friends. I told myself that this was more just me and I have to get over this.

Again last night, she was on the phone with him. I could hear her laughing and giggling. Normally I would go up to her room and sit on the bean bag and we just talk or watch a movie or listen to music but last night I didn’t. It does hurt somewhat when there is that feeling that you might be losing someone. It hurts even more when you feel as though you are being strung along because of the practical support you provide, the financial aspects and looking after the children.

I have been with my partner for a number of years and it’s been up and down. Since her injury, I sometimes feel like those 1920’s housewives whose husband comes back from work and she has to constantly smile despite what she goes through. My life no longer matters and there is never any interest displayed towards me which is something I have adjusted to. I have always been a solitary person and I often get on quite well on my own. This is probably why me and her got on was because we were so similar. My partner’s personality is quite complex, and it has been further complicated by this brain injury. There isn’t a thing I would not do for her and regardless of the complications brought on by the stoke such as the migraines, sickness, forgetfulness, rapid mood swings, I feel as though I cannot leave her side. It is not survivors’ guilt or anything, its more to like seeing your best friend going through a hard time and you just want to see them better and there is nothing you wouldn’t do to help them. I am like that chap that never left Frodo’s side in Lord of the rings. If it comes to her telling me that she no longer wants to be with me, I will accept that and would keep an open door for her is she needed anything but the thing I would struggle with is if she as actually did not care at all and was just stringing me along. This morning, I highlighted how nice it was for her to have an ex whom she could speak to for that long, laugh and show genuine interest and compassion for. She responded saying she speaks to lots of people including her ex’s. I told her that from the sound of their conversations, they sound like there is still a connection and you sound as though you are genuinely interested in him. She just shrugged her shoulders and did not respond.

[Mykel1]

Please be assured that I'm suicidal or depressed or anything along those lines. Im quite content within myself and i would never manipulate or envoke guilt in someone to make them stay with me. I understand these tactics because ive worked in mental health for a long time. After reading my post, I sound like a jealous little school boy lol. Emotions are quite complicated to navigate through especially when there's that sense that the one person you love and cherish wants to be with someone else. I would never hold it against her and I would never say 'look what I did for you'. I would just be greatffor having had the chance to love someone unconditionally with no expectations or reservations. Maybe I'm just overreacting and this is something that'll just blow over.

When things get tought, sometimes I imagine what a relationship in WW2 would be like when you know it's just the two of you and you have no-one else to rely on. What it be like having that sense that you need each other and that one day we'll talk to our grandkids about this. Reflecting on that just helps me appreciate each day I have with her.

[BabsGregs]

I too have brain injury and my husband has stayed with me, it hasn't been easy as my emotions are all over the place, but this is my advice, she may have brain injury but she does know what she is doing, the sleeping in separate rooms, I would give anything to sleep with my husband to feel his arms around me, but with brain injury tiredness is a big factor and my husband snores so loudly that I don't even get to sleep, You have a right to ask her why she is keeping you at arms length, you have feelings too and it takes two to make a relationship to work. Don't let yourself feel so unimportant, you matter too, stand up to her and ask what is going on, let her know how much she means to you, she may not understand herself now, I hate the way I am now, my family said they don't know this me, so don't even get in touch, but she does owe you love and respect and to stop acting like a spoilt child.

[Teazymaid]

from what you have described I would certainly seek couples counselling … this very much needs discussion in a controlled environment … me and my husband are having counselling for different reasons than you but if you find the right person to talk with it will have a massive impact on what you of you will feel and understand from the other person perspective .. .. wish you luck in the future .. best wishes Sue 😊

[bonfire]

From my point of view her behaviour sounds totally unacceptable

[Silkwood20]

Hi Mykel, be assured you do not sound at all 'like a jealous school boy'..... this sounds such a painful situation and especially after you have both been through so much already.Maybe this is a phase of the recovery? Hopefully others with closer experiences to yours will have more insight.

The counselling suggestion sounds wise, could Headway point you in the right direction on that maybe?

Do try to look after yourself as well, I wish you both the very best.

[Mykel1]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I honestly loved the 'spoilt child' comment. Absolutely befitting. That genuinely made me chuckle. It really is quite a challenging one and it's quite insightful to realise that I do deserve love. Since her admission and since being discharged, every single aspect of the house boils down to me. From the cooking, cleaning, getting kids ready for school, finances, balancing two jobs, everything. Brain injury is such a complicated situation because you have to adjust to a totally new norm. What once was unacceptable such as walking in the house with shoes on, has now become an okay thing. I know that's a lame example but you know what I mean. Sleeping in separate rooms has been difficult because it's something I never agreed on but I went with it because I felt she needed space. I do miss the warmth of laying next to her and waking up next to her. It's weird how much we have to changed but I still hold onto the hope that maybe she'll come round.

Counselling isn't something she would entertain especially post stroke. She has this I'm always right attitude which can be difficult to work through. I've learnt about patience and impermanence because she can be absolutely adamant and argue about something one minute and then move onto something else the next and she won't fully recall what she had been arguing with me about.

It's a tough one. I approached the subject regarding ex's and she feels she can speak to whom ever she wants. She says they are just ex's and they mean nothing. I've pointed out that even in a 'normal' relationship, people don't just start speaking to ex's. There's a good reason for that. She says that statement only exists in my world and not hers. She is adamant that there's nothing there but she won't admit or deny whether she still has feelings for these people. The sad thing is that there is absolutely no acknowledgement about how this makes me feel but I'll soldier through and hopefully we'll come to some sort of understanding.

[cat3]

Mykel, you deserve better than his. It's only your hard work and patience that allows your partner to indulge in self centredness.

Brain injury can result in many different odd behaviours, including insensitivity & loss of inhibition and, for carers and loved ones, it can be a rough ride when their soul mate becomes distracted and dismissive.

Maybe by stepping back and distancing yourself from your partner's chats with her ex might register more keenly with her. It's often the case that we're more conspicuous by our 'absence' than when showing interest... ?

I really hope this is a passing phase m'love..... x